How to respectfully say they weren't invited

amother

Sun, May 05 2019, 8:01 pm

There's a family in my DH's circle of friends that I don't enjoy being around because the wife is just obnoxious. It's not a situation where they don't have anywhere to go, or have social challenges, or in general a reason to be DLKZ and invite them as a chessed.

We haven't hosted for a while because of multiple reasons, but BH will be able to soon. I like this group and would love to have them over, but not this couple so I'm setting a boundary and not planning on inviting them.

What's the best way to respectfully answer why they're not there without speaking lashon hara but also not lying? I'm usually a fan of vague responses like "sorry, just wouldn't work for us" but I don't know if that would work here. This is more if she or her husband ask, but also I may get this question from friends.

33055

Sun, May 05 2019, 8:17 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Are you planning on a larger gathering or hosting individual couples?

I don't see how you could nicely exclude them if you are having a larger gathering and they are part of the group. You may have to be forthright and say that she isn't your cup of tea or whatever expression you use, but I doubt you could do this without coming across as obnoxious yourself. But if she's that obnoxious to others, no one will ask why you are excluding her.

If it's individual couples, then it's easier to give a general it didn't work out which should be sufficient.

amother

Sun, May 05 2019, 8:45 pm

It's a large group (maybe 10 couples and occasional new folks that often become part of the group), but not everyone attends every time we get together, which is about every month or so. She's one couple's neighbor, and I was actually surprised last time when she appeared and that neighbor didn't (someone else was hosting). I don't recall seeing her when anyone other than her own neighbors we're hosting before.

To give you an idea: she randomly decided to make party favors for dinner without being asked (also odd because it was buffet-style potluck). She plopped herself down next to me and a friend that were talking, said "make yourself useful", and handed us a basket of these things to assemble. She also said that she was hungover because she had to drink last night because her family was in town and she couldn't deal with it. I looked up and saw that her elderly father was standing in the door behind her where she left him (without introducing him or giving him a place to sit) and he obviously heard it. 😔 DH jumped up to give him a seat and I just felt so bad for him at being treated like that. Her husband made.a tasteless joke about child abuse. That was one three hour visit, and just what I was involved in.

Maybe I just shouldn't host, then. I want to not always take from others' hospitality, but she's just exhausting and rude and I don't want to have to deal with her in my own home.

Maybe I'm overthinking it and no one will ask since she's someone else's neighbor and not someone I'm close to.

amother

Fuchsia

Sun, May 05 2019, 9:12 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Making party favors is obnoxious?

Was this at her own home? If so, she can ask you to make yourself useful. If not, why was her father there with her?

You don't have to like her. Maybe she is annoying but nothing you said sounds that bad that you just can't take her being in your home... but your home, your choice.

Of course, if others like her and sense that you are intentionally excluding her from the group, YOU may become the obnoxious one. Be careful.