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Forum -> Household Management
Feeling Guilty;Again



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amother
OP


 

Post Mon, May 06 2019, 2:39 pm
I was always a person who knew that I didn't want to work once I started having kids. As long as my children were young and not going to school yet , I didn't work. However, when my baby was of school age and I wasn't expecting again, I found a job to help with the finances and expenses. When I had my next baby I stopped working. Financially were not well off but covering our monthly expenses. My husband would love for me to get a job so that we can "breathe easier". The problem is that I feel extremely guilty for not working and have a hard time spending on myself, be it a new outfit, or even a danish from time to time, or an occasional lunch with a friend. It's only when my husband pushes me to go for it that I feel validated and don't feel bad spending money. When I was working and helping along with the finances I felt better spending as I was helping along. If there's a day that I'm not so busy, or an hour in the day where I'm bored I literally look for things to do so I'm not just wasting time. Why can't it be enough that my kids are being fed a healthy supper and have fresh clothes in the closet every day and their needs are being met and they have a mother waiting for them when they get home? I feel like I'm not doing enough, that the only way I can confidently say that I'm a good wife is if I'm working and bringing some money in. Help? Can't Believe It
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Ruchel




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, May 06 2019, 3:59 pm
Tell him you'll do it if he does your role or hires someone.
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amother
Lime


 

Post Mon, May 06 2019, 4:02 pm
Why not get a part time job or something you can do from home?
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ohmygosh




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, May 06 2019, 4:09 pm
Ruchel wrote:
Tell him you'll do it if he does your role or hires someone.


That doesn't sound very nice. Her DH does not sound like a bad husband at all. I don't see why OP can't get a part time job to help with the expenses and help them 'breathe easier', but not work full time so she also gets the time with the kids.
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imasinger




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, May 06 2019, 4:17 pm
I think it might make sense to stop framing things in terms of guilt.

At one point in time, you envisioned yourself as a SAHM.

It sounds like at the moment, you'd prefer to be working.

Remember that the best gift you can give your children is a happy, warm mommy. If working, at least part time, will help with that, then bring on the cereal and fish sticks! You'll still be a great mom, and all the better for feeling fulfilled.

If, OTOH, you love being at home, but just feel guilty you're not providing income, try calculating how much your services would cost if farmed out. Childcare, cook, cleaner, shopper, planner, driver... You probably contribute a whole lot to your family's coffers, just indirectly.


Last edited by imasinger on Mon, May 06 2019, 4:23 pm; edited 1 time in total
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amother
OP


 

Post Mon, May 06 2019, 4:21 pm
imasinger wrote:
I think it might make sense to stop framing things in terms of guilt.

At one point in time, you envisioned yourself as a SAHM.

It sounds like at the moment, you'd prefer to be working.

Remember that the best gift you can give your children is a happy, warm mommy. If working, at least part time, will help with that, then bring on the cereal and fish sticks! You'll still be a great mom, and all the better for feeling fulfilled.


Op here. No no I do not want to work. Nothing has changed in that. I just feel guilty not working just so that we can live a bit less frugal.
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amother
OP


 

Post Mon, May 06 2019, 4:22 pm
amother [ Lime ] wrote:
Why not get a part time job or something you can do from home?


Op here, working would mean a part time job regardless. I just dont want to do that. I cant see myself running a home and being a responsible employee. I would just be resentful that I need to work because DH would like a few extra dollars in the bank. Not because I want to or am looking for work.
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imasinger




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, May 06 2019, 4:24 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Op here. No no I do not want to work. Nothing has changed in that. I just feel guilty not working just so that we can live a bit less frugal.


Yeah, sorry, I hit send before my post was completed. Here is the second half again:


If, OTOH, you love being at home, but just feel guilty you're not providing income, try calculating how much your services would cost if farmed out. Childcare, cook, cleaner, shopper, planner, driver... You probably contribute a whole lot to your family's coffers, just indirectly.
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Mama Bear




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, May 06 2019, 4:32 pm
OP:
My youngest is 5 yrs old & I don't work at a real job either, bc I dont think I can handle a household and a job.
Recently I started selling off old junk from my house on ebay, and when I mentioned to a few neighbor that I was successful, people started sending me unwanted stuff from their own house to sell as well. I love doing it; the earnings are pitiful ($300 a month in a good month), but it's pocket change so I don't feel guilty buying msyelf something that isn't super necessary.
Maybe you can do something small like that in your own time to ease your feelings of guilt.
Good luck!
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amother
OP


 

Post Mon, May 06 2019, 6:04 pm
Mama Bear wrote:
OP:
My youngest is 5 yrs old & I don't work at a real job either, bc I dont think I can handle a household and a job.
Recently I started selling off old junk from my house on ebay, and when I mentioned to a few neighbor that I was successful, people started sending me unwanted stuff from their own house to sell as well. I love doing it; the earnings are pitiful ($300 a month in a good month), but it's pocket change so I don't feel guilty buying msyelf something that isn't super necessary.
Maybe you can do something small like that in your own time to ease your feelings of guilt.
Good luck!

Op here, Thanks. The thing I’m struggling with is why can’t I feel fulfilled by being the SAHM I want to be. Is the only way to feel like a competent wife to help bring the salary into the home? I understood it’s my issue but having a hard time with it .
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SuperWify




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, May 06 2019, 6:51 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Op here, Thanks. The thing I’m struggling with is why can’t I feel fulfilled by being the SAHM I want to be. Is the only way to feel like a competent wife to help bring the salary into the home? I understood it’s my issue but having a hard time with it .


I may be off but could be your under stimulated? Why don’t you sign up a the gym, an art class or piano class, or go to a weekly shiur. It doesn’t cost tons of you have a monthly membership (the gym can be as cheap as $20 a month and many shiurim are free). Sit down with DH and see how much you can realistically spend on refreshing the hardworking mom-wide-housewife-taxi driver ect (I’m sure you have many more jobs) that you are. The added bonus is that if you pay membership you’ll have to give yourself those “treats” every week or you’ll feel guilty not going.
Good luck!
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ohmygosh




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, May 06 2019, 8:34 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Op here, working would mean a part time job regardless. I just dont want to do that. I cant see myself running a home and being a responsible employee. I would just be resentful that I need to work because DH would like a few extra dollars in the bank. Not because I want to or am looking for work.


Why would you feel resentful if you needed to work? It says in your OP that your finances are stretched thin, not that your DH is demanding to live an extravagant lifestyle. Why shouldn't he ask his capable wife to help out with the finances and give a little breathing room? Why is that unreasonable? Just like I would expect a husband to contribute to the household needs if necessary (I.e. mopping, dishes, bathing kids or whatever it is), I would expect the wife to help out financially if necessary.

Do you think I WANT to work full time? I do it because my DH and I are a team and we have a family that we, as the parents, need to provide for.

Now, if your DH was the type that expected a spotless home and 3 course dinners every night, then we're talking about something else. But you didn't make mention of that in your OP so I'm going to assume not.
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amother
OP


 

Post Mon, May 06 2019, 8:53 pm
ohmygosh wrote:
Why would you feel resentful if you needed to work? It says in your OP that your finances are stretched thin, not that your DH is demanding to live an extravagant lifestyle. Why shouldn't he ask his capable wife to help out with the finances and give a little breathing room? Why is that unreasonable? Just like I would expect a husband to contribute to the household needs if necessary (I.e. mopping, dishes, bathing kids or whatever it is), I would expect the wife to help out financially if necessary.

Do you think I WANT to work full time? I do it because my DH and I are a team and we have a family that we, as the parents, need to provide for.

Now, if your DH was the type that expected a spotless home and 3 course dinners every night, then we're talking about something else. But you didn't make mention of that in your OP so I'm going to assume not.


Op here, I feel like my job is to be the housewife and do whatever is required on those terms ( which I do). Going to work means that much plus running the house. Dh does not help along with the general household so yes it would be way harder for me. Maybe my mind is screwed but to me and the way I grew up was that the men worked and the ladies stayed home to care for their families. Yes I know times have changed but since I’m fine with living the lifestyle I’m living I don’t see why I need to work. If I would want a more extravagant lifestyle then it would be unfair to DH to sponsor that which is beyond his means and then it would make sense for me to go work and fund that. I’m struggling with the guilt of staying home doing ‘nothing’ which in reality is so not that way.
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ohmygosh




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, May 06 2019, 9:33 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Op here, I feel like my job is to be the housewife and do whatever is required on those terms ( which I do). Going to work means that much plus running the house. Dh does not help along with the general household so yes it would be way harder for me. Maybe my mind is screwed but to me and the way I grew up was that the men worked and the ladies stayed home to care for their families. Yes I know times have changed but since I’m fine with living the lifestyle I’m living I don’t see why I need to work. If I would want a more extravagant lifestyle then it would be unfair to DH to sponsor that which is beyond his means and then it would make sense for me to go work and fund that. I’m struggling with the guilt of staying home doing ‘nothing’ which in reality is so not that way.


Our job as parents is to do what we need to do for our families. That means you both help each other in whatever it takes to keep a family healthy and whole. Stop looking at it as your job vs my job. That just isn't reality. And it doesn't seem unrealistic for your DH to want some breathing room with the finances. Don't look at this as a competition. Since he doesn't do A, I'm not going to do B. Sit down with him and say working full time overwhelms you, so let's work together to figure out a way to share the burden of house and finances together. And that doesn't mean that you keep track of exactly how much you do vs he does. Think about it as working together. You guys are a team keeping the ship afloat.
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amother
Tan


 

Post Mon, May 06 2019, 9:47 pm
I feel this way sometimes. I'm working full time (which to me means 930-3, while my kids are in school) and would like to quit.
But when I didn't work and the household responsibilities weren't taken care of perfectly I'd feel like a failure. So it's better for me to work and have the excuse.
Even so if I don't have a fresh supper it's a fail. Or the neccessary laundry done.
And if I work, I have no time to shop. And if I don't work, I have no money to shop. Not that I have money to shop with now either. But since I have no time, that's what it is.
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amother
Oak


 

Post Mon, May 06 2019, 10:32 pm
I don't mean to scare you, but if you are just covering your monthly expenses now, you're one crisis away from debt. You need to increase family earnings or lower expenses. If you really can't see yourself working, you need a plan for living more frugally. I really understand the desire to be a sahm, but it doesn't sound like this is a lifestyle you can afford at this point.
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amother
Royalblue


 

Post Tue, May 07 2019, 12:55 am
ohmygosh wrote:
Why would you feel resentful if you needed to work? It says in your OP that your finances are stretched thin, not that your DH is demanding to live an extravagant lifestyle. Why shouldn't he ask his capable wife to help out with the finances and give a little breathing room? Why is that unreasonable? Just like I would expect a husband to contribute to the household needs if necessary (I.e. mopping, dishes, bathing kids or whatever it is), I would expect the wife to help out financially if necessary.

Do you think I WANT to work full time? I do it because my DH and I are a team and we have a family that we, as the parents, need to provide for.

Now, if your DH was the type that expected a spotless home and 3 course dinners every night, then we're talking about something else. But you didn't make mention of that in your OP so I'm going to assume not.


Because taking care of children is already a full time job
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