Help me understand my relationship with my teenage daughter

amother

Thu, May 09 2019, 11:54 am

My daughter and I are very close. Throughout her childhood I have taught her to be vulnerable and talk about what is bothering her, and to understand her emotions and reactions on a deep level.

I have two issues that I am grappling with right now:

When my daughter is overwhelmed, by something going on in her social world, or by all her schoolwork and activities, she will sometimes lash out at me with hurtful comments, either about my personal insecurities, or about ways her childhood was imperfect. I feel very triggered when she does this, as pointing out my insecurities makes me feel exposed, and wanting her to have a good, healthy childhood is of huge importance to me. I have two questions:

1. Why does she do this? What is she trying (on a subconscious level) to achieve for herself when she does this? How can I help her stop?

2. Why do I feel SO vulnerable and sensitive to the emotional attacks of a teenager? How can I strengthen myself to feel "it's ok that she sees my faults so clearly, and it's ok that her childhood wasn't perfect, I am an incredible woman and mother and she is fortunate to have had me as a mother "(which I know intellectually to be true, but can't believe on a deep level)

Fox, if you are on imamother today, I would appreciate your insight especially.

nechamashifra

Thu, May 09 2019, 1:33 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Why does she do this? Because she's a teenager and her prefrontal cortex is not fully developed yet. Her emotions are stronger than her reasoning skills. It has nothing to do with you. And yes if you intellectually know that you're an incredible mother, you probably are.

Petra

Thu, May 09 2019, 2:10 pm

She does this because you are the easiest target and the one most likely to still love her after the fact. She does this to blow off steam. She doesn't premeditate to hurt you. She feels safe to let loose with you but unfortunately, as a parent, you also receive the brunt. With time and maturity, she will figure out how to manage her emotions in a healthier way and also figure out that some reactions and responses are hurtful, counterproductive and unnecessary.

oneofakind

Thu, May 09 2019, 4:38 pm

It must be very hurtful to you because you were so close but teenagers need to seperate from their parents, it's developmentally appropriate, so they pick fights and yes, she feels safe with you so you are a target. Don't take it personally. Find some secure thoughts, mantras, you can say to yourself so you can stay calm when she does this.