Home
Log in / Sign Up
    Private Messages   Advanced Search   Rules   New User Guide   FAQ   Advertise   Contact Us  
Forum -> Relationships -> Manners & Etiquette
Shiva etiquette for close relative



Post new topic   Reply to topic View latest: 24h 48h 72h

amother
OP


 

Post Tue, May 14 2019, 9:54 pm
I will be going to be menachem avel a close relative and bH do not have experience with shiva houses. Would really appreciate tips for proper etiquette. Specifically:
- is it ok to give a hug to the mourner when I come in?
- is it appropriate to greet other people at the shiva - there will be relatives and others I haven't seen in a long time?
- do I offer my memories of the niftar or just listen?
- I will be there for a few days. Do I say "hamakom" every time a Shiva hour is over or only at the very end of my visit (or the first time I visit)?

Thanks for your advice.
Back to top

allthingsblue




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, May 14 2019, 9:57 pm
Don't hug the person. They will be sitting on a low chair, most likely behind a table. Walk up to the person to show your presence; I think halachically you are supposed to wait for the avel to talk. Then take a seat and follow the avel's lead, listen to the conversation and use your seichel to know what to say. Definitely offer memories of the niftar at the appropriate time if the avel seems up to it.

Do not hug other relatives or greet them loudly. It's a shivah house. If you want to catch up with them, do so in another room or even better, go outside (or go out for coffee etc).

I don't think you need to say the pasuk more than once, but either look up the Halacha or ask a rabbi.


Last edited by allthingsblue on Tue, May 14 2019, 9:59 pm; edited 1 time in total
Back to top

amother
Chartreuse


 

Post Tue, May 14 2019, 9:58 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I will be going to be menachem avel a close relative and bH do not have experience with shiva houses. Would really appreciate tips for proper etiquette. Specifically:
- is it ok to give a hug to the mourner when I come in?
- is it appropriate to greet other people at the shiva - there will be relatives and others I haven't seen in a long time?
- do I offer my memories of the niftar or just listen?
- I will be there for a few days. Do I say "hamakom" every time a Shiva hour is over or only at the very end of my visit (or the first time I visit)?

Thanks for your advice.


First thing to know is it’s forbidden to speak to the aveil before they speak to you first.. After they speak to you, you may then speak.
Back to top

batya315




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, May 14 2019, 10:39 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I will be going to be menachem avel a close relative and bH do not have experience with shiva houses. Would really appreciate tips for proper etiquette. Specifically:
- is it ok to give a hug to the mourner when I come in?
- is it appropriate to greet other people at the shiva - there will be relatives and others I haven't seen in a long time?
- do I offer my memories of the niftar or just listen?
- I will be there for a few days. Do I say "hamakom" every time a Shiva hour is over or only at the very end of my visit (or the first time I visit)?

Thanks for your advice.

If you meet relatives, please don't greet them with more than a nod. It's insensitive to catch up with others in front of the mourners, especially since it means detailing everyone's simchahs, new homes and exciting events. If you want to catch up, meet them outside the room where the mourners are sitting.
- As far as memories, take the cues. Generally the mourners are eager to hear memories that highlight the deceased's positive traits. This is about them and about what will make them feel better. Being that you'll be there for several days, it seems like you're really close. I think a son/daughter/sibling-in-law is someone the mourners want to hear from and appreciate when they join the conversation. (But anyone who has to offer something nice should do so)
I was recently at a shivah house. It was obvious that the mourners were exhausted and were not interested in hearing anything. Like I mentioned, take cues from the mourners.
-When I was sitting shivah we were told that it's best to wish hamakom yenachem after each visit, and also to each mourner, for each wish is an aliyah for the neshamah of the deceased.
Back to top

amother
Orange


 

Post Wed, May 15 2019, 2:03 am
amother [ Chartreuse ] wrote:
First thing to know is it’s forbidden to speak to the aveil before they speak to you first.. After they speak to you, you may then speak.


Some people need to be encouraged to start talking, especially when they're in aveilus...
and this minhag bothered me so much that I discussed it with a Rov (charedi).

The consensus is more that the avel should set the mood of the interaction, rather than an outright ban on speaking first. It is certainly not halocho, not in my circles anyway!
Back to top

amother
Brunette


 

Post Wed, May 15 2019, 11:24 am
I recently sat shiva. I totally understand that people could see others they haven't seen for a while and its nice for them. But really really tone it down. Catch up on family news outside. And don't laugh or exclaim loudly with others while the mourner is sitting there. It is so so painful to hear ppl doing that, even though you know its normal for others to have those conversations. Just not in front of you. I remember thinking my mother is dead in her grave and you are laughing in my face. I bear no ill will, I know it wasn't on purpose. But still painful.

Also, if no one else is there, don't feel that you must stay to be with them. Its very tiring to sit shiva and when no one is there, it is a welcome break to use the restroom, walk around a bit, take something to eat, and just generally to take a few moments to compose yourself between visits. In general, unless the conversation is flowing, I feel people should try to keep their visits short and heartfelt.

I know it can be an uncomfortable mitzva to do, know that you are doing something meaningful and special. Good luck!
Back to top

dankbar




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, May 15 2019, 2:03 pm
There was a thread few months ago with all the dos & dont's
Back to top

amother
Cyan


 

Post Wed, May 15 2019, 2:46 pm
OP, giving a hug to the mourner really depends how closely related you are and how your relationship is. When my sis n law sat shiva for her child, I sat there with her all day. I gave her a hug when I came and went. She actually initiated the hug. We are very close and our family was very involved with the sick child, it was a huge loss for us all.
Back to top

amother
Apricot


 

Post Fri, May 17 2019, 3:51 am
I sat shive. Honestly, every shive house is different. Be sensitive when you walk in. You will get all the answers right away. It really depends on so many things. Who died. What age, sudden or after an illness..... be there who is sitting shive. Put your worries aside.
I had a relative who said the pasuk each time before he left the house.
I actually got people who came to visit me, to talk to eachother because I couldn't talk anymore.
Back to top

Ruchel




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, May 19 2019, 12:13 pm
My mother almost left when people did chit chat. don't do chit chat.
Back to top

amother
Geranium


 

Post Mon, Dec 25 2023, 9:34 am
I need to go to a Shiva house now.
What's the issue giving a to hug the avail? (She's sitting alone in her house, and am close with her)
Back to top
Page 1 of 1 Recent Topics




Post new topic   Reply to topic    Forum -> Relationships -> Manners & Etiquette

Related Topics Replies Last Post
Etiquette for leftovers at a Purim seudah/sheva brachos
by amother
20 Mon, Mar 25 2024, 11:52 am View last post
Neighborhoods close to mir for walking on shabbos- rental
by amother
4 Mon, Feb 26 2024, 6:46 pm View last post
Buyer groups / close out nj
by amother
5 Thu, Feb 22 2024, 7:02 am View last post
Buying/Selling/Giveaway chats Etiquette
by amother
10 Tue, Feb 06 2024, 8:46 pm View last post
Whats the range of cash gifts for a relative's Bris?
by amother
7 Fri, Feb 02 2024, 12:32 am View last post