Spinoff - No thank you for shabbat lunch

amother

Tue, Jun 18 2019, 1:26 pm

Is there a polite way to handle the following:

There is a family in your life that you do not want to eat by. It can be because of kashrus, awkwardness, anxiety, filth, etc. For whatever specific reason, you know that it does not work for you and your family to eat by this family's home.

Is there a better way to respond than just turning them down politely? They will almost always try to invite you again (a second, or even a third time - or longer if they don't get the message).

I guess I'm wondering if you could find a way to give over the message that it won't work for the long term, while being polite, and without hurting them.

Especially when some of these people are your family members.

Thoughts?

amother

Papaya

Tue, Jun 18 2019, 2:09 pm

no its hurtful. sorry theres no way around it unless you hve a policy that you will not wat out ever by anyone. if you value the friendship I would suck it up and go once in a while

Rappel

Tue, Jun 18 2019, 2:24 pm

See my response in the other thread.

When I did bring up the topic with my friend, I preceded it by telling her how much I had worried about discussing this. I hate people who put on airs about their frumkeit, and I was very worried that I would insult/hurt her. On the other hand, I respect her and love her enough that I wouldn't want to lie to her.

She confirmed that she would prefer discussing something uncomfortable to letting it fester.

I then explained that according to our basic halacha, we need to do XYZ. This is vastly different from the kav they follow, which essentially means that their kitchen is not kosher for us. I was mortified even saying it, and I expressed again how worried I was that this would damage our friendship.

She reassured me, and we talked it out. It was very worth it, having that conversation. Now there's no fear, no awkwardness - I just bring my own food, and we joke about it (she is a FABULOUS cook, and I'm pretty low-key in my cooking, so there's no comparison when we have a breakfast together.) It's a non-issue now.