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Forum -> Parenting our children
My Kids are Scared of Me



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amother
OP


 

Post Sun, Jun 23 2019, 12:47 pm
My 10yr old dd told me this today! I am patient with them some of the time but each one gets on my nerves at times and I do lash out. I dont want them to be scared of me but I cant always be lovy dovy to them. What should I do?
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amother
Jade


 

Post Sun, Jun 23 2019, 12:50 pm
What triggers you to lash out? Did you have your own childhood trauma growing up?
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amother
Vermilion


 

Post Sun, Jun 23 2019, 12:50 pm
Is he very sensitive? Are other kids possibly also scared of you? How often are they scared of you? What does lash out mean to you?
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amother
Lawngreen


 

Post Sun, Jun 23 2019, 12:51 pm
Nothing wrong with a little fear. You are their parent not their friend.

If they are afraid to be honest with you and you hit them, then we do have a problem.
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Rappel




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jun 23 2019, 12:59 pm
You cannot "lash out" at your kids, and expect no repercussions.

Your child has shared her concerns with you. This is your final warning.

If you take major steps IMMEDIATELY to improve your parenting (take a class, go to therapy, etc.), then you may still have a relationship with your kids once they grow up.
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amother
Saddlebrown


 

Post Sun, Jun 23 2019, 1:22 pm
Imagine that someone you respect is in the room watching your interactions.
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amother
OP


 

Post Sun, Jun 23 2019, 3:06 pm
Definitely childhood trauma. I am in therapy. guess this hasnt been resolved yet. I think my kids are very clingy so this causes me to lose my patience with them. I also dont have any family support and dont have too many friends so this leaves me to entertain and support my kids most of the time.
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trixx




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jun 23 2019, 4:07 pm
If they're clingy they've developed an unhealthy attachment style. Google it. And probably your own style clashes with them. And if you're in therapy bring it up.
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amother
Pink


 

Post Sun, Jun 23 2019, 4:12 pm
I grew up with a father with an explosive temper and a mother who when overwhelmed would be caustic and resentful. Unfortunately I also get triggered and lash out at times. I think it's important to your kids for you to own your struggles and let them know unequivocally that you have a problem with your temper, (you can balme it on your migraines or whatever triggers it), that you are working on it, that it's not his fault, that he is a good kid and you love him and would never let anything scary happen chv/would never want to hurt him. Be the adult. Unfortunately I also approached my parents with these kinds of concerns and my mother would say things like "well maybe if you behaved better..." And my father would ask me to help him control himself e.g. "when I start to get angry remind me to stop", "I did a good job controlling myself that time, didn't I?" And I think that caused me more trauma than the actual yelling.
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Hatemywig




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jun 23 2019, 4:23 pm
I would just like to point out that your child wasn't too frightened to tell you that he's scared of you, so it's possible that there are one or two changes that he could benefit from, but overall, he still felt safe enough to share that with you.
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amother
Aquamarine


 

Post Sun, Jun 23 2019, 7:40 pm
Say " I'm sorry, I didn't mean to frighten you. Come, let me take out another game and I'll watch you from the couch." Or let the kids do whatever else they can do on their own for 15 minutes while you decompress. Think of list of activities for the kids that they can do themselves for a bit like puzzles, coloring books, table hockey or fuss ball and have it ready when you need it.
Also, figure out what the triggers are and try preventing the outbursts. Are you tired? Hungry? Can't take too much socializing?
Good luck, it's not easy being a mom.
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Metukah




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jun 23 2019, 10:23 pm
Hatemywig wrote:
I would just like to point out that your child wasn't too frightened to tell you that he's scared of you, so it's possible that there are one or two changes that he could benefit from, but overall, he still felt safe enough to share that with you.


I completely agree with this.

OP don't eat yourself up. Children are known to put their parents on guilt trips. If they were truly terrified they wouldn't say anything.

Use this as an opportunity to try change your approach but don't let it break you.
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amother
OP


 

Post Mon, Jun 24 2019, 4:24 am
Thank you for the ideas and encouragement. My children are all very sensitive and don't do well with a bit of strictness even from a teacher. They take everything personally. I guess they take after me. I try hard not to get frustrated but I do get tired easily from so much human interaction so it's very challenging. I hope they also realize how much I care and love them.
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