My kids don’t listen to me

amother

Mon, Jun 24 2019, 3:53 am

My 8 yr old does his own thing. I ask him not to. He says ok. Then he does it anyway. Especially when he’s with friends. (No one should be in the guest room. The door is always closed. When he has friends over they are in the guest room.) he’s a sweet boy who pays attention when I speak. And says next time he’ll listen and... but he doesn’t.
My 6 yr old enjoys disobeying. She’ll get a knife from the kitchen and bring it to me smiling. Sure it sounds like she wants more attention but she gets as much as I have to give - a lot.
I hate punishing and reprimanding. I keep saying let’s cooperate. If we all try to help one another and be thoughtful things will be so much better. Not sure they even hear me. And they consider all the natural consequences punishments and feel resentful. So when my 8 yr old didn’t get dressed in the morning and was running late n missed breakfast he was upset that I didn’t give him any. And when my 6 yr old continued to be destructive at a simcha and I asked her to sit next to me and she refused I took her out of the party and she was upset that I punished her.
Help me do this

ectomorph

Mon, Jun 24 2019, 4:49 am

Teomima wrote:

Have you read How to Talk So Kids Will Listen? It's a great guide for how to talk WITH your kids, rather than AT them, so they better understand rules and consequences.

was just gonna recommend this

amother

Yellow

Mon, Jun 24 2019, 5:08 am

It's ok for them to be upset when you discipline them. You seem to think that you must be doing something wrong if they end up not listening and are upset by the consequences. Nope, that's totally normal and expected when raising kids! If you aren't confident in your parenting skills you should by all means try the recommended book. But know that there's no way to magically make kids listen all the time, and that it's ok for them to experience discomfort when they are given consequences to their actions.

Shani88

Mon, Jun 24 2019, 5:46 am

Teomima wrote:

Have you read How to Talk So Kids Will Listen? It's a great guide for how to talk WITH your kids, rather than AT them, so they better understand rules and consequences.

Not op but can you please tell more about the book? I feel like I buy so many books, no time to read all of them!

oneofakind

Mon, Jun 24 2019, 6:06 am

Nothing wrong if kids are upset at being punished. If you have a good relationship with them and your consequences are consistent (no threats that aren't kept or a million chances) and fair, you are doing fine. They will probably test you to make sure you still mean what you say. How To Speak..is a great book and worth at least skimming.

dankbar

Mon, Jun 24 2019, 6:42 am

You need to be firm & assertive. Looks like when you need to be strict you are soft. The areas you did discipline also seems inappropiate. You dont punish kids with food, with taking away their meals. Also on public is hard to discipline & they get shamed. If outside of party means, outside of ballroom but in lobby its ok but if outside is alone on the street that its not ok.

amother

Yellow

Mon, Jun 24 2019, 6:47 am

dankbar wrote:

I disagree that anything op did was inappropriate. Dawdling in the morning means that he won't have time for breakfast, which is a very natural consequence. Op didn't take away his meal for no reason- he missed it because he didn't get himself ready in time. And a child who is being destructive at a simcha should absolutely be taken out. Why on Earth should she be given the message that she can be destructive and still welcome at someone's simcha? Op doesn't say anything about leaving her alone in the street, I'm not sure why you're going there?

FranticFrummie

Mon, Jun 24 2019, 8:41 am

OP, I don't see you doing anything wrong. If anything, consequences need to be even more consistent. Stand strong, and don't let your kids see you question yourself.

"Parenting Kids With Love and Logic" saved my sanity. It's about how to get kids to brainstorm with you, to have a nicer home atmosphere. It puts you and them on the same team, so to speak.

When DD would disobey me, I would ask her "What do YOU think the consequences should be?" Most often, she'd be a lot harder on herself than I would. She'd say "Ground me for a week." I'd tell her "Well, I'm kinda mad, but I'm not that mad. How about three days, and you can work two days off if you help me around the house?" She'd gladly agree, and help me clean up, do dishes, etc. We'd spend the cleaning time schmoozing and bonding, and she'd get to go back to her play dates. Because she got a say in the compromise, she accepted it without a single gripe.

Teomima

Tue, Jun 25 2019, 1:15 am

Shani88 wrote:

Not op but can you please tell more about the book? I feel like I buy so many books, no time to read all of them!

You can look up more info on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B005.....tkr=1
Basically though I felt like the book was really helpful in teaching parents how to initiate effective dialogue with their children. There's also a lot about validating the child's emotions, which usually is the source of the misbehavior (assuming you're not talking about normal 2-3 year old acting out, for which really there's nothing to do but hold your breath for two years and pray you both survive Very Happy