How was your relationship with your mom as a preteen/teen

amother

Wed, Jun 26 2019, 10:18 am

Im on vacation in miami for the week and I met a woman I know from home and she told me her 8th grade daughter is off for the week so they decided to get away together. Its her youngest so im sure naturally they have a different dynamic than I ever had with my mom being an oldest but I could not wrap my head around going away alone with my mom at 14/15 years old. I was so awkard and would have never enjoyed myself. I wasnt good at expressing myself around adults I would just do whatever they wanted. It would have been a lot more fun for me to be home with friends.
I lnow my sisters werent like this and as an adult I have a great relationship with my mom. Im wondering from the experienced moms out there - I have 2 little girls - how do I raise them that theyll want to spend time with me and not run away from any opportunity etc...

FranticFrummie

Wed, Jun 26 2019, 10:37 am

I had a horrible relationship with my mom at that age. Everything she did was wrong, and everything I did was wrong - at least according to each other.

I swore to learn my lessons, and not make the same mistake with DD. I still made some mistakes, just not the same ones, lol.

Keep communication open, and unless someone's health or life is at risk, keep your judgments to yourself.

Respect her interests, even if they make no sense to you whatsoever. If she wants to share them with you, sit down with her, and feel honored. At all costs, DO NOT LOOK BORED! If that means listening to lame pop music, or watching anime, suck it up and deal with it. Just be happy she's talking to you, and not in her room with the door locked.

Praise needs to be random, rare, and in very small doses. "That top looks really good on you. It goes well with your eyes." is a nice way of reinforcing how you would like to see her dress. If the top makes her look like a tramp, chances are she already knows. She doesn't need you to point it out to her.

Remember that at that age, al pi halacha you are not responsible for raising her anymore. She should know right from wrong by now, if you've done your job right. If she starts pushing your buttons, simply remind her that now that she's past bas mitzva, what she does is between her and G-d. Then step away, and daven.

If you back off, she will feel more free to come to you when she wants your advice.

It's time when you have to stop being a helicopter parent, and start being what I like to call a "safety net" parent. Your kid is learning how to manage the high wire of adulthood. They may fall, they may not, but they need to know that you will be there to catch them, no matter what.

If you know of an older mom who has already raised teens, cultivate a mentorship. Even if the teens are struggling, or perfect, you will always learn from someone who's BTDT. My rebbetzin has been my parenting coach for years, and I would have been lost without her down to earth understanding and insight. (And her 12yo DD is going on 30, and giving everyone a run for their money!)

Chayalle

Wed, Jun 26 2019, 11:10 am

A few years ago I took my oldest DD with me to England for a cousin's wedding. We also went so that she could get to know her great-grandmother - my Bobby should live to be 120 - and of course, to see some of the sights. We had a wonderful time B"H. I'm pretty sure my DD considers it to be the highlight of her teen years.

I think if you talk to your daughter all the time, about all sorts of things, you will have that relationship with her. Start by asking her how her day was every day, when she gets home. Listen to what she says, and even if she says something you feel the need to criticize (Morah so-and-so is so mean, she.....) avoid doing so when she is talking to you. (You can always bring that up later if it's really important. But when you are in listening mode, don't switch to teaching mode.)

Try to take your daughter out every once in a while just with you. It doesn't have to be for pizza or icecream (though that's nice once in a while, too) it can be to the grocery. Try to keep it positive and again, give her a chance to shmooze with you.

What FF said....

mig100

Wed, Jun 26 2019, 11:34 am

Chayalle wrote:

beautiful post!

its encouraging to see that it is possible to have a good relationship with teen daughters.

potatoes

Wed, Jun 26 2019, 11:56 am

I would never want to go with my mother, but that's because she was a selfish narcissistic person , always with her own agenda.
I actually craved a normal warm real caring relationship with my/a mother and would have loved the one on one attention.
a poster above said it right.
spend time , listen, dont critisize, love. just be a good parent, that's what's in your hands. the rest is in hashems hands.

amother

Pumpkin

Wed, Jun 26 2019, 12:12 pm

Mine was so complicated. My mother was definitely interested in everything I was doing, and a huge cheerleader and advocate. There are so many things I achieved as a teen, only because she believed in my talents and supported me. She loves me very much, and I knew it. At the same time, she was a single mom, with a huge void from childhood traumas and not having a partner in life, so she could be bitter, stingy, critical, and overly involved in my spiritual growth and friendships. She could be very embarrassing when she was feeling bitter and depressed, and sometimes her childhood paradigms invaded when she could have parented more gently. But I always knew deep down that she wanted to be my special support person, and that's the basis of my self worth.

I am trying so, so hard to not make the same mistakes with my daughters, and to copy the good things. Often I hear the best parts of my mother come out of me when comforting or understanding my daughter. But the surprises and stresses of parenting teens sometimes pop up, and I hear my mother's scripting coming out of me in ways that are not good. I try to forgive myself and try to ask forgiveness of my daughter, if appropriate, and resolve to try harder.

And yes, if I offered to take my daughter on a trip, she would love to come with me. She would maybe choose a trip with friends first, but she would definitely feel loved and treasured if I did such a thing, b"H.