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Forum -> Parenting our children
Must I cuddle
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dankbar




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jul 16 2019, 9:36 am
Of course it can be an emotonal component, if she was never hugged then its hard for to do it. If you dont get, its hard to give.
Pulling back when touched can also be signs that one was abused.
Those emotional components have to be worked through, with therapy or whatever else works.
OP said in her post that she is sensory, so there is a physical component too, that's why my advice to her was how to relieve her sensitive sensations.
There are things like a sensory diet too, meaning exposing one to different feelings of touch, different textures not to be so sensitive.
If she's so sensitive & pulling back when touched, it must affect her intimate life & marriage too, as her husband might feel rejected.
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amother
Turquoise


 

Post Tue, Jul 16 2019, 10:34 am
I do attachment parenting bc my own mother never said I love you and never touched us once we were older than 2-3 years. I'm no maven bc my oldest is only 2.5 but at least I'm not perpetuating the cycle.
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amother
Babyblue


 

Post Tue, Jul 16 2019, 10:42 am
Not everyone can just go to therapy and be magically cured. Some people just have to live with their limitations.
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amother
Violet


 

Post Tue, Jul 16 2019, 11:10 am
I also don't like being touched by anyone other than my dh unless of course it's a massage or scratching my back Wink . But I let my kids hug me. Some of them are too touchy feely for me, so I let them with limits. It can't be constant and some sort of time limit. I'm not looking at a clock, but until I had enough. My 14ds does not like to be touched, but there are times I see he needs a hug, I try to give him one. Yes, I see he needs it and he does end up accepting it and feels better. He's the same with kisses, but he does let me certain times. Yesterday he was really good. He helped tons in the house, I asked him if I can give him a thank you kiss and I was surprised he said yes Smile .
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amother
Ivory


 

Post Tue, Jul 16 2019, 11:49 am
Kids can tell when you just want the hug/cuddle to be finished, or don't want it at all.

Try holding on until they let go. When they get used to the idea that you aren't going to end it or push them away, you'll see that they will probably need less cuddle time.

But it is very important to their emotional health.

There is lots to read about it. You can also read about how long you should hug for to release different endorphins or whatever.
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Ruchel




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jul 16 2019, 1:05 pm
I don't take in my bed. I cuddle in other places, or even sitting on it. I'm also much more cuddly when rested. I wouldn't reject a cuddle or a deman d for one though
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amother
Blush


 

Post Tue, Jul 16 2019, 7:21 pm
My younger ones just climb onto me and demand the touch. I usually give it to them even without thinking about it. I'm also very sensory. With my oldest she doesn't ask for it herself and I forget to give it to her. When I do remember she seems to enjoy it very much. It feels awkward for me to offer her a hug out of the blue. I don't enjoy touch from DH either.
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SixOfWands




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jul 16 2019, 7:39 pm
solo wrote:
My 8 yr old asks to come into my bed some mornings. I usually turn him down. My 5 yr old used to randomly walk over to me n start cuddling. Now he knows to ask first but I hardly cuddle for more than a minute. My 6 yr old knows I don’t like it n acts cool.
I feel so guilty but I’m sensoey n cuddling them actually makes my skin crawl.


Some people are more cuddly than others, and that's fine.

But its is odd that cuddling your own kids makes your skin crawl. Yes, I think that's likely to be detrimental to them. And yes, I think that its something that you should try to work on, for your sake as well as your kids'.
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amother
Red


 

Post Tue, Jul 16 2019, 7:47 pm
I don't remember ever receiving a hug as a kid. I probably gave off "don't touch me vibes", though. Nowadays I want my therapist to hug me. My grandmother would say, shein zemmir ois. Can't Believe It
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amother
Fuchsia


 

Post Tue, Jul 16 2019, 7:50 pm
my oldest never liked a hug or a kiss now when he's almost 12 he started asking for hugs and massages every night and It really makes my skin crawl. (My other kids even though they're younger they are above 8 I have no problem hugging or cuddling because they always let me do it. ). Question is would you let your son that is 12 hug you and massage you every single night for going to sleep Even though it makes you uncomfortable?
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amother
Babyblue


 

Post Tue, Jul 16 2019, 7:59 pm
amother [ Fuchsia ] wrote:
my oldest never liked a hug or a kiss now when he's almost 12 he started asking for hugs and massages every night and It really makes my skin crawl. (My other kids even though they're younger they are above 8 I have no problem hugging or cuddling because they always let me do it. ). Question is would you let your son that is 12 hug you and massage you every single night for going to sleep Even though it makes you uncomfortable?

Not normal if he is 12.
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SixOfWands




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jul 16 2019, 8:05 pm
amother [ Fuchsia ] wrote:
my oldest never liked a hug or a kiss now when he's almost 12 he started asking for hugs and massages every night and It really makes my skin crawl. (My other kids even though they're younger they are above 8 I have no problem hugging or cuddling because they always let me do it. ). Question is would you let your son that is 12 hug you and massage you every single night for going to sleep Even though it makes you uncomfortable?


Yes.

But I'd also try to figure out what's bothering him.
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Rachel Shira




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jul 16 2019, 8:27 pm
amother [ Fuchsia ] wrote:
my oldest never liked a hug or a kiss now when he's almost 12 he started asking for hugs and massages every night and It really makes my skin crawl. (My other kids even though they're younger they are above 8 I have no problem hugging or cuddling because they always let me do it. ). Question is would you let your son that is 12 hug you and massage you every single night for going to sleep Even though it makes you uncomfortable?


Hug? Yes of course. Him massage you? Hm... probably not.
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amother
Copper


 

Post Tue, Jul 16 2019, 8:52 pm
OP, I so identify with you. One of my daughters needs lots of physical attention. I already recognized this when she was just a toddler. What I find helpful is to be the one to initiate. Firstly, you are prepared. Secondly, I think it counts at least as double if you are the one initiating, not just accepting. When I'm on to of it, the child also feels less of a need to seek it because her "tank" is filled up. Also, when you initiate, you are in control of the intensity and duration of the touch. If your child comes up and gives you a big hug, you have to hug back until she is ready to let go. But you can go over to her and give her a quick tight hug and a kiss on the forehead and it will count much more. I do push myself to let her sit on my lap even though she's already 7 and is getting physically big.

And I do have boundaries. My bed is mine alone! One issue though is that this was always the case and I did not have to introduce this boundary to my children. It's just natural to them. It definitely helps that dh is super duper mushy she they know that they can go to him for cuddles (as long as they give him a back scratch. Which is a win win, because then I don't have too Very Happy )
Oh, and please ignore the posters who are making you sound like a disfunctional mother who is ruining get kids' lives. I'm sure you show them you love them in the other love languages that come easier to you. We all have to work on improving and developing all of our love languages and parenting skills. It's good to recognize what we are good at and where we need improving, which is just what your doing.
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amother
Blush


 

Post Tue, Jul 16 2019, 8:59 pm
SixOfWands wrote:
Some people are more cuddly than others, and that's fine.

But its is odd that cuddling your own kids makes your skin crawl. Yes, I think that's likely to be detrimental to them. And yes, I think that its something that you should try to work on, for your sake as well as your kids'.


How exactly do you suggest I work on it besides for pushing myself to hug kids when I remember which I already do, but I don't always remember.
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thegiver




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jul 16 2019, 10:09 pm
I also hate it. My grandma says I have no choice and need to submit to their needs. Try to do it on ur terms by being proactive about it. For instance blast AC in front of u so u have a sensory distraction. Sing ur favorite song in ur head and try to pick a long song. It will boostur relationships is every way! So worth it. I feel bad for my son bec his love language is physical touch. One of my friends told me touch ur kids once an hour—its good for them—pat on the back or a kiss or ruffle their hair. U can express love in so many diff ways! Cuddling is not the only way.
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thegiver




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jul 16 2019, 10:14 pm
Hugs or holdinghands for 20 seconds minimum. Try hard to smile. It releases their endorphins.
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amother
Chocolate


 

Post Tue, Jul 16 2019, 10:18 pm
amother [ Babyblue ] wrote:
Not normal if he is 12.


Why?
Just the opposite. He might be in need of touch more than ever now that he is maturing.
A mothers touch is the best he could get right now. It helps them with their hormonal changes.
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amother
Mint


 

Post Tue, Jul 16 2019, 10:29 pm
solo wrote:
My 8 yr old asks to come into my bed some mornings. I usually turn him down. My 5 yr old used to randomly walk over to me n start cuddling. Now he knows to ask first but I hardly cuddle for more than a minute. My 6 yr old knows I don’t like it n acts cool.
I feel so guilty but I’m sensoey n cuddling them actually makes my skin crawl.


Get over it and hug your children.
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amother
Fuchsia


 

Post Tue, Jul 16 2019, 11:21 pm
Rachel Shira wrote:
Hug? Yes of course. Him massage you? Hm... probably not.

I mean a massage in the back while he hugs me. Does that make it more sensible?
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