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Forum -> Yom Tov / Holidays -> Shabbos, Rosh Chodesh, Fast Days, and other Days of Note
Clueless guests
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amother
Fuchsia


 

Post Sun, Jul 21 2019, 4:44 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Why does it have to include make guests? DH suffers a lot because of my health issues. He enjoys guests. Does it make any sense to bar everyone?

I am great in the mornings. It's Friday night that's the big issue. I love to cook.


So tell them you're available to host for lunch only.
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amother
OP


 

Post Sun, Jul 21 2019, 4:49 pm
amother [ Maroon ] wrote:
What bisque described is not contrived, that's just normal social cues...how do you know your husband won't play along...for that matter, how does he get "rid" of the male guests or married couples.....


Normally, we don't get rid of guests. It is only in this one instance that it's a problem - single females at the table alone with DH.

I would never stay at the table talking to the male host if the wife went to bed. It's just good manners to show respect for the wife.

I know DH and he doesn't do scripts. For that matter, neither do I.

I am looking for a nice way to accommodate females who ask to come here for Shabbos. It doesn't seem possible. Now I need a nice way to say no. There aren't other people looking for guests.
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amother
OP


 

Post Sun, Jul 21 2019, 4:51 pm
amother [ Fuchsia ] wrote:
So tell them you're available to host for lunch only.


And what are they supposed to do about the other meals? Where are they supposed to sleep?
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amother
Royalblue


 

Post Sun, Jul 21 2019, 4:53 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Why does it have to include make guests? DH suffers a lot because of my health issues. He enjoys guests. Does it make any sense to bar everyone?

I am great in the mornings. It's Friday night that's the big issue. I love to cook.


Perfect, so host females during the day and tell them that the evenings are harder for you.

I respect the way you are thinking about how others feel. That is a beautiful midda. Just take care of your own כוחות too.

Refuah shlaima bimhaira- may you have the strength to do all the hosting you would like to.
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amother
Aquamarine


 

Post Sun, Jul 21 2019, 4:54 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I would like to do this. But wouldn't their feelings get hurt? Also, DH comes across as warm. It's hard to tell guests he is uncomfortable with them.


So if it were me visiting my friend and she left the table for the evening , I’d want to leave too, and not stick around to hang out with her husband. If the choice is between them coming to you, or staying alone, I’d think they could play by your rules. It is a bit of a sticky situation , especially since they’re not picking up on the vibes. You can just say your husband’s not comfortable hosting (or socializing with) single women when you’re not there. Make it a religious thing.
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amother
Royalblue


 

Post Sun, Jul 21 2019, 4:59 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
And what are they supposed to do about the other meals? Where are they supposed to sleep?


Now I’m confused. I was under the impression that this was just for meals. You are now saying that they are coming for the whole shabbos including sleeping.
And that there is nowhere for them to sleep other than your house.
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ra_mom




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jul 21 2019, 5:04 pm
If your husband likes to sit at the table after the meal is over but is uncomfortable having the guests hanging around during that time, then sleepover guests are really not an option.
He can go to his study and close the door. But it doesn't sound like he'd agree to that.
Another option is to set up a room divider foldy panel thing before shabbos so there's a separation between the couches where the guests are reading and the table where dh is sitting. But it doesn't sound like you'd like that either.
Refuah Shelaima!
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amother
Bisque


 

Post Sun, Jul 21 2019, 5:05 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
And what are they supposed to do about the other meals? Where are they supposed to sleep?


wait hold on - these are sleeping guests? ?!
why didnt you say so...and after meal is over they stay up on couch etc and you want to go to sleep? and husband feels obligated to entertain them? This is making more sense now...
when meal is over everything is cleaned up and you head to bed, yet your husband wants to stay at table and learn, then good manners is to head to their room at that point and not stay at the couch if your not around anymore. if they are hanging out on couch alone in the room while your husband is in same room- well then the issue is this specific guest that you seemingly keep having that is missing social cues. The issue isnt single females. When I was single I wouldnt have done that. Dont lump everyone in one category.

put a cozy recliner in their room that they are sleeping. put a shabbos lamp next to it. put a stack of books there. if they dont get the hint then yeah, dont invite awkward guest anymore.
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amother
OP


 

Post Sun, Jul 21 2019, 5:19 pm
amother [ Aquamarine ] wrote:
So if it were me visiting my friend and she left the table for the evening , I’d want to leave too, and not stick around to hang out with her husband. If the choice is between them coming to you, or staying alone, I’d think they could play by your rules. It is a bit of a sticky situation , especially since they’re not picking up on the vibes. You can just say your husband’s not comfortable hosting (or socializing with) single women when you’re not there. Make it a religious thing.


You don't think they would be offended?
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amother
OP


 

Post Sun, Jul 21 2019, 5:20 pm
amother [ Royalblue ] wrote:
Now I’m confused. I was under the impression that this was just for meals. You are now saying that they are coming for the whole shabbos including sleeping.
And that there is nowhere for them to sleep other than your house.


Yes. There is a space shortage where I live.
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amother
OP


 

Post Sun, Jul 21 2019, 5:23 pm
ra_mom wrote:
If your husband likes to sit at the table after the meal is over but is uncomfortable having the guests hanging around during that time, then sleepover guests are really not an option.
He can go to his study and close the door. But it doesn't sound like he'd agree to that.
Another option is to set up a room divider foldy panel thing before shabbos so there's a separation between the couches where the guests are reading and the table where dh is sitting. But it doesn't sound like you'd like that either.
Refuah Shelaima!


I have a separate room with couches. The guests also are provided with shabbos lights. They could read on a couch in the sephorim room. They have other options than to be in the same room with DH.
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amother
Aquamarine


 

Post Sun, Jul 21 2019, 5:25 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
You don't think they would be offended?

I didn’t realize they’d be sleeping over. It’s a little hard to banish people to their rooms. Will they be more offended if you say you can’t have them altogether ?
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amother
OP


 

Post Sun, Jul 21 2019, 5:28 pm
amother [ Bisque ] wrote:
wait hold on - these are sleeping guests? ?!
why didnt you say so...and after meal is over they stay up on couch etc and you want to go to sleep? and husband feels obligated to entertain them? This is making more sense now...
when meal is over everything is cleaned up and you head to bed, yet your husband wants to stay at table and learn, then good manners is to head to their room at that point and not stay at the couch if your not around anymore. if they are hanging out on couch alone in the room while your husband is in same room- well then the issue is this specific guest that you seemingly keep having that is missing social cues. The issue isnt single females. When I was single I wouldnt have done that. Dont lump everyone in one category.

put a cozy recliner in their room that they are sleeping. put a shabbos lamp next to it. put a stack of books there. if they dont get the hint then yeah, dont invite awkward guest anymore.


I don't have room for recliners in the guest rooms, and it's not one specific guest. The problem with clueless guests are they don't have other options. I would love a nice way to let them know the issue here.

It's not a problem with single men because I don't stay up with the guests after the meal is over even before I got sick. I was busy with the kids.
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amother
OP


 

Post Sun, Jul 21 2019, 5:34 pm
amother [ Aquamarine ] wrote:
I didn’t realize they’d be sleeping over. It’s a little hard to banish people to their rooms. Will they be more offended if you say you can’t have them altogether ?


I have been turning them down, but then I feel bad.
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amother
Oak


 

Post Sun, Jul 21 2019, 5:37 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I don't have room for recliners in the guest rooms, and it's not one specific guest. The problem with clueless guests are they don't have other options. I would love a nice way to let them know the issue here.

It's not a problem with single men because I don't stay up with the guests after the meal is over even before I got sick. I was busy with the kids.


Just say - ladies I'm heading to bed now, let me show you to your rooms.
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amother
Royalblue


 

Post Sun, Jul 21 2019, 5:47 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I have a separate room with couches. The guests also are provided with shabbos lights. They could read on a couch in the sephorim room. They have other options than to be in the same room with DH.

Then you need to be upfront with them and explain that when you’re husband is alone in the room they should please adjourn to another room. However what happens if he needs the sforim room?
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amother
OP


 

Post Sun, Jul 21 2019, 6:36 pm
amother [ Oak ] wrote:
Just say - ladies I'm heading to bed now, let me show you to your rooms.

Since they know where their rooms are, it sounds contrived. They had to put their stuff there when they arrived. Besides they have stayed here before.
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chestnut




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jul 21 2019, 6:37 pm
Do you only have single women as guests Friday night? If yes, then tell them straight out that your husband like to learn after the meal but isn't comfortable when the female guests are there and his wife isn't.
If you have men during those seudos as well, then I don't see why your husband thinks he's entertaining just the women and not the men.
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amother
Fuchsia


 

Post Sun, Jul 21 2019, 6:37 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I don't have room for recliners in the guest rooms, and it's not one specific guest. The problem with clueless guests are they don't have other options. I would love a nice way to let them know the issue here.

It's not a problem with single men because I don't stay up with the guests after the meal is over even before I got sick. I was busy with the kids.

There's no nice way to let them know the issue. I would not invite them under the circumstances you describe.
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amother
OP


 

Post Sun, Jul 21 2019, 6:39 pm
amother [ Royalblue ] wrote:
Then you need to be upfront with them and explain that when you’re husband is alone in the room they should please adjourn to another room. However what happens if he needs the sforim room?


They can sit in the sukkah room. If they moved to the seforim room, DH can get what he needs and learn in the dining room. It is entertaining them that he minds.
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