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Forum -> Yom Tov / Holidays -> Shabbos, Rosh Chodesh, Fast Days, and other Days of Note
Clueless guests
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STMommy




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jul 21 2019, 9:45 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
They can sit in the sukkah room. If they moved to the seforim room, DH can get what he needs and learn in the dining room. It is entertaining them that he minds.


Is there a table in the sukkah room? If so after bentching set up dessert on that table. Tell the girls dessert is here. DH just started a new learning seder and he likes to learn quietly after the meal. Sleep well. See you tomorrow.
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amother
OP


 

Post Sun, Jul 21 2019, 9:46 pm
chestnut wrote:
Do you only have single women as guests Friday night? If yes, then tell them straight out that your husband like to learn after the meal but isn't comfortable when the female guests are there and his wife isn't.
If you have men during those seudos as well, then I don't see why your husband thinks he's entertaining just the women and not the men.


He is stuck socializing with the women. What does he do if they join in the conversation? He doesn't mind entertaining men. The point is that he is uncomfortable in his own house.
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chestnut




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jul 21 2019, 10:04 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
He is stuck socializing with the women. What does he do if they join in the conversation? He doesn't mind entertaining men. The point is that he is uncomfortable in his own house.


The point is, he is entertaining "guests", male and female alike. If they respond, he can ignore them (they might get offended, of course) or acknowledge the response without continuing.
Imho, there's absolutely no nice way to tell the women to disappear cause the husband wants to learn if the husband will come back to the table to continue entertaining men. Telling the women he isn't comfortable being alone with them if you aren't there is perfectly fine, but only if he's indeed left alone with them. If there are other male guests there, he isn't alone and isn't entertaining "them", but all his guests.
It seems to me that when you leave the table, you want the women to leave the room as well, while your husband and the male guests stay on to socialize.
Depending on their upbringing, it might be unfair to call them clueless in such situations. You can try telling them your husband isn't comfortable having the women at the table/in the room without his wife.
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ra_mom




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jul 21 2019, 10:13 pm
STMommy wrote:
Is there a table in the sukkah room? If so after bentching set up dessert on that table. Tell the girls dessert is here. DH just started a new learning seder and he likes to learn quietly after the meal. Sleep well. See you tomorrow.

I love this!
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ectomorph




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jul 21 2019, 10:17 pm
I only have guests when I have energy to entertain them. If you don't have energy, you need to stop inviting as frequently.
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amother
Oak


 

Post Sun, Jul 21 2019, 10:35 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Since they know where their rooms are, it sounds contrived. They had to put their stuff there when they arrived. Besides they have stayed here before.


So say - I"m going to bed. Please leave DH alone he doesn't want to entertain you.

At some point you need to say something.

You do this business of "I"m going to bed, let me show you to your rooms thing" once - and they should get it for next time.

These are women who invite themselves to your home. They are forward with you - you can be forward with them.
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amother
Bronze


 

Post Sun, Jul 21 2019, 10:49 pm
I'm sorry you are not feeling well and am impressed that you are still willing to host.

You have a seforim room. When you leave the table, dh can go learn in there and the guests can continue to hang out in the living room and dining room. This is what we do.

You can't invite sleepover guests and ban them from public areas of the house. Do they have to be confined to their rooms because you aren't well? There's nothing clueless about these guests.
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amother
OP


 

Post Sun, Jul 21 2019, 11:17 pm
amother [ Bronze ] wrote:
I'm sorry you are not feeling well and am impressed that you are still willing to host.

You have a seforim room. When you leave the table, dh can go learn in there and the guests can continue to hang out in the living room and dining room. This is what we do.

You can't invite sleepover guests and ban them from public areas of the house. Do they have to be confined to their rooms because you aren't well? There's nothing clueless about these guests.


Then they can stay home. To be clear, they call only when they want to come for Shabbos. I try to accommodate them because I feel bad. DH is very clear that they can come, but he does not want to entertain them without me there.

I don't want to ban them from all the public areas of the house. If he's in ther dining room, they shouldn't be in the dining room. Why should their wants come ahead of his? They don't need to be where he is. They can go to their rooms or go someplace he isn't.
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amother
Bronze


 

Post Sun, Jul 21 2019, 11:25 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Then they can stay home. To be clear, they call only when they want to come for Shabbos. I try to accommodate them because I feel bad. DH is very clear that they can come, but he does not want to entertain them without me there.

I don't want to ban them from all the public areas of the house. If he's in ther dining room, they shouldn't be in the dining room. Why should their wants come ahead of his? They don't need to be where he is. They can go to their rooms or go someplace he isn't.


You're right. If you cannot handle having them in the dining room, you shouldn't host.
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amother
Maroon


 

Post Sun, Jul 21 2019, 11:31 pm
Op, I'm unclear why you keep arguing. Either use one of the suggestions mentioned here or just tell them you are not up to hosting due to feeling unwell. If you put it like that, they might be disappointed but they won't feel insulted.
This whole thread is going around in circles.
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mommy3b2c




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jul 21 2019, 11:37 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Then they can stay home. To be clear, they call only when they want to come for Shabbos. I try to accommodate them because I feel bad. DH is very clear that they can come, but he does not want to entertain them without me there.

I don't want to ban them from all the public areas of the house. If he's in ther dining room, they shouldn't be in the dining room. Why should their wants come ahead of his? They don't need to be where he is. They can go to their rooms or go someplace he isn't.


To be honest. You actually sound socially clueless. If you can’t handle guests, just don’t have guests.
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oliveoil




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jul 21 2019, 11:39 pm
This feels so familiar. I feel like we've had threads with this OP before. Not the same subject, but the same style of arguing.
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oliveoil




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jul 21 2019, 11:39 pm
mommy3b2c wrote:
To be honest. You actually sound socially clueless. If you can’t handle guests, just don’t have guests.


This.
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mommy3b2c




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jul 21 2019, 11:51 pm
oliveoil wrote:
This feels so familiar. I feel like we've had threads with this OP before. Not the same subject, but the same style of arguing.


Yup. And I always feel like there is something socially off.
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amother
Bronze


 

Post Sun, Jul 21 2019, 11:54 pm
Having guests is more than just giving them food and a bed. It means providing a warm and comfortable atmosphere. Since you are unable to do that now, you should not host.
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amother
Oak


 

Post Mon, Jul 22 2019, 12:02 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Then they can stay home. To be clear, they call only when they want to come for Shabbos. I try to accommodate them because I feel bad. DH is very clear that they can come, but he does not want to entertain them without me there.

I don't want to ban them from all the public areas of the house. If he's in ther dining room, they shouldn't be in the dining room. Why should their wants come ahead of his? They don't need to be where he is. They can go to their rooms or go someplace he isn't.


This sounds contrived. What "wants" of your guests are you even speaking about?

If its not clear to them that they and DH shouldn't be a room together without you - tell them. I get the sense you get pleasure from all of this.
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creditcards




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 22 2019, 12:04 am
I don't understand why you can't just tell them before Shabbos that once you go to sleep after the meal DH is uncomfortable if they hang out in the same room that he is in. Why would they be offended? You say it once and they will know it for always. I'm sure they will understand.
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amother
Aquamarine


 

Post Mon, Jul 22 2019, 12:08 am
Really nice of you to go to all this trouble.
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amother
Bronze


 

Post Mon, Jul 22 2019, 12:10 am
creditcards wrote:
I don't understand why you can't just tell them before Shabbos that once you go to sleep after the meal DH is uncomfortable if they hang out in the same room that he is in. Why would they be offended? You say it once and they will know it for always. I'm sure they will understand.


They may not be offended, but if dh is a gracious host, he'll make sure to get out of their way. Otherwise they have no choice but to be stuck in their rooms. It sounds like the dh here is not a gracious host and insists on staying in the dining room. That doesn't leave anyplace for the guests to hang out. And if that's the case, then OP should not have sleepover guests.
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creditcards




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 22 2019, 12:15 am
amother [ Bronze ] wrote:
They may not be offended, but if dh is a gracious host, he'll make sure to get out of their way. Otherwise they have no choice but to be stuck in their rooms. It sounds like the dh here is not a gracious host and insists on staying in the dining room. That doesn't leave anyplace for the guests to hang out. And if that's the case, then OP should not have sleepover guests.


No. She said she has a big house with a sefarim room and a succah room. It's only after the meal at night that they have this problem not a whole Shabbos. The guests can decide before Shabbos if it's worth it for them to come and be stuck in their rooms after the night meal or not come at all. I would completely understand it. OP can even suggest that they can hang out in the succah together if there are a few female guests. It will be uncomfortable the first time but then everyone will get used to the rules.
Sounds simple enough to me.
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