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Forum -> Yom Tov / Holidays -> Shabbos, Rosh Chodesh, Fast Days, and other Days of Note
Clueless guests
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amother
OP


 

Post Mon, Jul 22 2019, 10:35 am
SixOfWands wrote:
OP, people are really trying to be sympathetic to your health and to your issues, but you seem to be attacking them at every turn. This post in particular, to people who are really trying to help, is uncalled for.


I have been repeatedly attacked on this thead. You have attacked me because you don't understand my community's norms. The predators aren't trying to help. They are trying to challenge me every which way. That's not helpful. It is coming across as dismissive of my DH's legitimate feelings.

He doesn't want to socialize with songle/divorced women without his wife present. The opposite would be concerning. There are no marital difficulties. Mixed socializing isn't done in my community. Married women know to leave the dining room when neither their husband nor I are present.

Thre idea that DH should go to bed so the guests have the house to themselves is absurd.
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amother
Indigo


 

Post Mon, Jul 22 2019, 10:38 am
If guests don't respond to strong hints, you do them a greater disservice by continuing to host and building up resentment toward them than by turning them away.
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chestnut




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 22 2019, 10:40 am
"The predators aren't trying to help"??!! "They are trying to challenge me every which way"?!
Are you even serious? Who exactly are the predators here??
How about being very clear about the situation and the problem from the beginning, and not feeding us piece by piece every 3 pages??
Sheesh!
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urban gypsy




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 22 2019, 10:42 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I have been repeatedly attacked on this thead. You have attacked me because you don't understand my community's norms. The predators aren't trying to help. They are trying to challenge me every which way. That's not helpful. It is coming across as dismissive of my DH's legitimate feelings.


How can we best help you OP? Are there any responses that resonate with you?
Do you feel that any of the options presented on this thread will resolve your dilemma?
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Raisin




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 22 2019, 10:42 am
SixOfWands wrote:
That's what I'm getting. That the women don't get the signal to get up because even when OP leaves, there are plenty of people sitting around and shmoozing. I'm also left to wonder if some of the people sitting around and shmoozing are women, albeit women who are married to the men who are also there.

If he just want to learn -- alone -- for a bit, its easy shmeasy. When OP leaves to go upstairs, he says that he's going to see her up to make sure she's OK, then he'll be learning in the library (aka sefarim room). They're welcome to hang out in the dining room, living room, whatever (or see themselves out if not sleeping guests), the lights go out at time, Shabbat Shalom.


This is starting to sound like a game of frum cluedo. (Clue for americans). Sefarim room...sukkah room...dining room...living room. Which room did Hentche the Hostess put the dessert in after the shabbos meal? And which room is Hershel the Host learning in? Single Shaindy, Divorced Debbie, Widowed Wendy and Irritating Ita go off in search of the chocolate chip cookies. Who found them first? Or did Hershel scoff all the cookies?

Sorry to sound unsympathetic. I also have guests who never leave. (very rare) We just both go upstairs and leave them downstairs.


Last edited by Raisin on Mon, Jul 22 2019, 10:58 am; edited 2 times in total
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amother
Oak


 

Post Mon, Jul 22 2019, 10:43 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I have been repeatedly attacked on this thead. You have attacked me because you don't understand my community's norms. The predators aren't trying to help. They are trying to challenge me every which way. That's not helpful. It is coming across as dismissive of my DH's legitimate feelings.

He doesn't want to socialize with songle/divorced women without his wife present. The opposite would be concerning. There are no marital difficulties. Mixed socializing isn't done in my community. Married women know to leave the dining room when neither their husband nor I are present.

Thre idea that DH should go to bed so the guests have the house to themselves is absurd.


Where do the married women go?
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amother
OP


 

Post Mon, Jul 22 2019, 10:45 am
Seashell wrote:
So just be open with them about the situation, exactly as you told us. Say, “I love hosting and cooking for you. I need to leave the table early at night bec of health reasons. My husband would feel most comfortable if after I leave you hang out in another room, like the seforim room or Succah room. During the day I’d love to spend more time with you.” The END.

If they’re okay with it they’ll come and stick to your request. If not they’ll choose not to come & you know u tried your best.


I wish you posted this at the beginning of the thread. It wouldn't be 10 pages. I need to tell them straight up that this is how they have to do things in my house.

Honestly, except for this one sticky problem it is nice having them here.

Thank you. Problem solved.
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amother
Oak


 

Post Mon, Jul 22 2019, 10:46 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I wish you posted this at the beginning of the thread. It wouldn't be 10 pages. I need to tell them straight up that this is how they have to do things in my house.

Honestly, except for this one sticky problem it is nice having them here.

Thank you. Problem solved.


She is not the first person to tell you to be honest with the guests.
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amother
OP


 

Post Mon, Jul 22 2019, 10:47 am
amother [ Oak ] wrote:
Where do the married women go?


They go to the bedroom with their husband.
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chestnut




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 22 2019, 10:47 am
watergirl wrote:
Or it can just be that her community does not host in this way. Maybe they are not frum women and her community is not open like she is? We have to be DLKZ here for all parties. We dont have to be anti OP, anti her husband, or anti the single women guests.

I asked if the women are BT, not frum, from a much more modern community, OTD, at risk, etc. In all these cases explaining to them he isn't comfortable being in the same room with them without his wife is the way to go. In this case, this thread should have been done 8 pages ago!!
Now, if couples are staying at the table after the OP leaves and these women have to leave only because they are single/divorced (while married are ok to stay there), then it's simply not nice. His right to feel so. Still not nice. Explain it to them and let them make the decision.
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amother
OP


 

Post Mon, Jul 22 2019, 10:48 am
urban gypsy wrote:
How can we best help you OP? Are there any responses that resonate with you?
Do you feel that any of the options presented on this thread will resolve your dilemma?


Seashell's response is perfect.
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amother
Bronze


 

Post Mon, Jul 22 2019, 10:48 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I have been repeatedly attacked on this thead. You have attacked me because you don't understand my community's norms. The predators aren't trying to help. They are trying to challenge me every which way. That's not helpful. It is coming across as dismissive of my DH's legitimate feelings.

He doesn't want to socialize with songle/divorced women without his wife present. The opposite would be concerning. There are no marital difficulties. Mixed socializing isn't done in my community. Married women know to leave the dining room when neither their husband nor I are present.

Thre idea that DH should go to bed so the guests have the house to themselves is absurd.


Your dh doesn't need to go to bed. He needs to go to the seforim room. That would solve all of your problems. A seforim room is the right place for learning. The living room/ dining room is for eating and socializing.

You don't have to host these women. Give them some guidance and they can make shabbos for themselves.

But don't invite people over and then refuse to let them feel comfortable in your house.
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chestnut




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 22 2019, 10:54 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
They go to the bedroom with their husband.

Right when you leave the table?
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amother
OP


 

Post Mon, Jul 22 2019, 10:58 am
chestnut wrote:
"The predators aren't trying to help"??!! "They are trying to challenge me every which way"?!
Are you even serious? Who exactly are the predators here??
How about being very clear about the situation and the problem from the beginning, and not feeding us piece by piece every 3 pages??
Sheesh!


How about not making assumptions? Predators was an autocorrect of posters. It fit, so I left it.

How about posters being clear when they say door? When they say walk them to the door, they should have said walk them to the front door. How would I know which door they are talking about?

Should I have started the thread that my house is X size with Y seating areas?
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urban gypsy




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 22 2019, 10:59 am
amother [ Oak ] wrote:
She is not the first person to tell you to be honest with the guests.


I checked and rainbow dash, Aquamarine, Seagreen, dancingqueen, Bisque, Royalblue, chestnut, creditcards, Oak, sarahmalka, WhatFor, Purple all told you EXACTLY the same thing.....to discuss expectations with your guests ahead of time

I'm glad seashell's post helped but I thought you and your DH "don't do scripts" Rolling Eyes
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amother
Oak


 

Post Mon, Jul 22 2019, 11:00 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
How about not making assumptions? Predators was an autocorrect of posters. It fit, so I left it.

How about posters being clear when they say door? When they say walk them to the door, they should have said walk them to the front door. How would I know which door they are talking about?

Should I have started the thread that my house is X size with Y seating areas?


Because you'd be socially clueless if you thought it was a standard thing to walk guests out to the dinning room door.
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chestnut




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 22 2019, 11:03 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
How about not making assumptions? Predators was an autocorrect of posters. It fit, so I left it.

How about posters being clear when they say door? When they say walk them to the door, they should have said walk them to the front door. How would I know which door they are talking about?

Should I have started the thread that my house is X size with Y seating areas?


Look, you can be mad at women here all you want, and even justify it in your head that we should have specified the "front door" when you were talking about the meal, with no mention of them sleeping in your house. Whatever makes you feel better.

I'm still curious if the married women leave with their husbands to their bedrooms right after you leave the table OR they can stay at the table with their husbands and it's only the single women who have to leave.


Last edited by chestnut on Mon, Jul 22 2019, 11:04 am; edited 1 time in total
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amother
OP


 

Post Mon, Jul 22 2019, 11:04 am
chestnut wrote:
Right when you leave the table?


They go with their husbands when their husbands go.
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amother
OP


 

Post Mon, Jul 22 2019, 11:05 am
amother [ Oak ] wrote:
Because you'd be socially clueless if you thought it was a standard thing to walk guests out to the dinning room door.


I couldn't imagine how it was done.
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chestnut




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 22 2019, 11:07 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
They go with their husbands when their husbands go.

Thanks.
So, to be clear, here's the situation. After you leave the table, the married couples stay cause your husband doesn't mind entertaining men, but he's uncomfortable if the single women are there, too.
Is that correct?
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