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Letting your kid go without is not necessarily good for them
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amother
Orange


 

Post Tue, Jul 30 2019, 1:37 pm
amother [ Honeydew ] wrote:
Your parents philosophy doesn’t mesh with me at all.

Being able to afford expensive things does not equal spending frivolously.


I don't consider it frivolous to go on lavish vacations if you can afford it or when a husband buys his wife expensive diamond rings. I have a very close friend from a wealthy family who got a lot of expensive things but the kids weren't spoiled. They are humble and appreciate what they have.
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ShishKabob




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jul 30 2019, 1:39 pm
Jewishfoodie wrote:
Oh my, so THIS!
I taught this to my kids their whole lives. I gave as much as it made sense to give, without giving them a sense of entitlement. But there were just "those things' I had to say no to on personal principle. And I taught my kids, "I'm not HaShem. I can think its not good for you to have it and I wont get it for you. But talk to HaShem because He is much more powerful than me. If He thinks you should have it, you will have it one way or another." And you wouldnt believe how hard they davened for things that were more important to them than to me. And further than that, you wouldnt believe (or you would) how HaShem found ways to give it to them. And I made sure to point each and every incident out to my children.

"Look! I didnt want you in this school. But see? HaShem knew more than me and got you in." And on and on.

You know what? It strengthened MY Emunah. Not just theirs! I felt so loved and so did they!

It's an amazing yesod.

I think this is beautiful and it works that way in my place too!
I've shown my kids countless times that Hashem sent then things into their hands literally and they didn't have to 'beg' anyone for it, they didn't even have to spend any money on it, no one even knew that they wanted it and it got delivered to their door!
Unbelievable!
Jewish Foodie, you are one spiritual Jewish Foodie! Food for Soul!
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amother
OP


 

Post Tue, Jul 30 2019, 1:53 pm
ora_43 wrote:
I'm not sure I quite get what you're saying, OP.

Are you saying that it's unhealthy to never have what other people do? IOW - kids don't need to have everything their friends do, but they do need (for their emotional health) to meet a baseline level of fitting in?

Or are you saying that parents shouldn't say "no" just for the sake of saying "no"? Because their kids will get that it's a "I choose not to give you this because Suffering Builds Character" no and not a "that's genuinely not a good idea right now" no, and so the "no" will lead to resentment? (But if the parents genuinely have to say "no" for financial reasons, the kids will be OK, even if they are noticeably different from their peers.)

Or - third option - am I reading way too much into your posts?

All three.
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Jewishmom8




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jul 30 2019, 2:01 pm
amother [ Burgundy ] wrote:
I still remember going to camp and borrowing my friend clothing even though my parents could afford buying me my own

I still remember going to camp during my high school years and borring my friends clothing. I am not sure if my parents really could afford or not but they did not buy me anywhere near the right amount of clothing ever and I am still affected by that to this day.
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ora_43




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jul 30 2019, 2:30 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
All three.

LOL

Did I at least more or less cover it, or is there more that I'm missing??

For what it's worth, I'm mostly with you on the first one. I think the question of "if we live here, can we afford more or less the average lifestyle?" should be a big one when picking a community. Because even with all the downsides of less-nice neighborhoods, kids are generally happier when everyone around them is also spending their mornings at the public beach and their afternoons eating 1-shekel popsicles at the park, than when everyone else is off on vacation in Cyprus or swimming at the local country club, and they're sitting at the park all alone.

Or whatever applies.

When it comes to the second one - I'd have to think about it. The thing is, the concept of "we can afford it" isn't so simple. If I can afford a game for my kids but only at the cost of morning coffee for me, can I afford it? What if I have an extra 1,000 shekels, but I was planning to put it in savings?

There's always somewhere else money could be going. So while I wouldn't say "no, I'm not going to buy you that dress, I'm just going to frame this 200 shekels in my room and look at it instead," I do think it's legitimate to say "sorry, but no. I could, but I don't think that's a reasonable use of money."

Of course "not a reasonable use of money" is not the same as "not getting things you want is an inherently valuable experience." But I think there tends to be a lot of overlap. When people say "it's good for kids to not get everything they want" usually they mean "it's good for kids to learn that they won't die if they don't keep up with every stupid trend," not, like, "if all my kid wants in life is food, a place to sleep, and a decent education, I'm going to make her pick two of the three, because Character."
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