Lock up our children please

eschaya

Thu, Aug 01 2019, 1:04 am

Reposting what I just wrote on the original thread:

I'm going to have to disagree with the OP and others here and reiterate what 1untamedgirl wrote earlier on. The below does NOT in any way seek to mitigate the tragedy that occurred at this waterpark, nor any of the other unfortunate tragedies that have occurred recently among klal yisrael.

Attempting to overprotect and prevent our kids from ever coming into contact with even the smallest doses of danger does not prevent bad outcomes, and actually is quite harmful to normal child development. Lots of research has been done in this arena, look it up yourself. It is important for children to be exposed to (minimal, controlled) risk, danger, failure, dirt, stress, injury, freedom, independence, negative experiences, hurt, rejection, bad decisions and disappointments. (Reiterate: in small amounts, controlled, short duration). Children who are allowed to experiment, and fail or fall, become healthier, more independent, and more psychologically sound adults.

You can prevent your child from ever going to any place with hint of danger (as suggested in the OP - and I mean, really, no hiking?!?) and you can micromanage them so that they never forget their homework. You can advocate for ball games where there are no winners/losers and you can call the principal to protest every bad grade. You can forbid your kid from doing monkey bars or using a pocketknife or going ice skating or getting a drivers license (which, btw, is 100x more dangerous than going hiking or to an amusement park). You can check their every page of homework and re-write their seminary entrance essay. But in the long run, one day these children will grow up and enter the big bad real world of adults... where danger, failure, and risks are ever present. And children who have never been allowed to experience these things as children never learn how to manage these very real world facts. These children will have an increased risk of depression and anxiety, an external locus of control and will be unable to take risks (which is imperative to success) or alternatively react by engaging in highly risky behaviors. Children whose parents always protect them tend to internalize the message that they are not capable or smart or strong enough. That they are weak and helpless. And these internalized lessons do not automatically dissipate the moment the child becomes an adult.

Alternatively... you can allow your child to be exposed to mild forms of danger, and you can teach them how to react. You can help your child develop their own internal recognition of what they are capable of and what to avoid. You can allow your child to fail and then find out that they are even more successful having known what failure feels like. You can teach your child to protect himself (both physically and emotionally). You can teach important skills (swimming, outdoor safety, map reading, which strangers to trust and who to avoid, how to prepare, etc.) You can encourage your child to develop an internal locus of control where they feel strong, capable, independent and able to solve problems and dilemmas on their own. You can allow your child to learn from their own mistakes. You can allow your child to endure their hurt feelings (instead of rushing in to make things right and assuage any sadness) so that one day, he will resolve never to cause hurt feelings in others. You can allow your child to mess up and learn from the consequences.
You can give your child just a wee bit more independence than you feel comfortable, and in so doing tell that child, "I believe in you, I believe you are smart and strong and capable. I trust you." And this child is the one who will grow up to be independent, successful, self-regulating and prepared to face and overcome whatever life throws at him.

Yes, we must make reasonable efforts to minimize unnecessary danger, and a root cause analysis is appropriate in this story to make sure that no negligence took place. But when it comes down to it, people die when they are in totally safe situations. I have no words for the pain and suffering of this child's family.
At the same time, advocating to prevent kids from going to the beach, the park, amusement parks, water parks, hiking, ice skating, swimming, biking, climbing, jumping arenas, ropes courses, and any place with a whiff of danger (read: fun) does nothing but create children who are underprepared for adulthood. And practically, a child is at more risk of real danger in his car rides to and from camp/school/activity. So you've swapped minimal gain for dramatic loss.