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Do you get tired of people with heath issues?
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zaq




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Aug 07 2019, 6:32 am
I get tired of people who do nothing but complain, regardless of what their complaints are about. With a few exceptions, the people I know who are in genuinely bad health don’t talk about it all that much. Most of the chronic complainers I know complain about lots of things, their health being only one of many topics, and it’s not their health obsession I mind, but the ceaseless griping.

I try to accommodate people’s health needs as far as I can as long as I don’t get the sense that the person is using me. IOW if a person is a friend and doesn’t call me only when s/he needs a favor or someone to complain to. I like to imagine that I’m worth sharing joys with, too, not just dumping on.
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thunderstorm




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Aug 07 2019, 6:33 am
sequoia wrote:
Everyone is tired of me.

I think they’d be glad if I were dead.

Sequoia, that is only your perception. But the reality is I feel a strong connection to you even though I don’t know you and never met you. It is because of you that my candle lighting time on Shabbos became more meaningful. I used to light and plop myself down on the couch with a book to get lost in and to ignore everyone around me. Now I take out my tehillim and I daven with you in mind , out loud while my young kids sit next to me and listen. They know I daven for my friend.
I also notified my single sister in Flatbush before yom Tov that if she was staying home and hosting to let me know so that you could join her for the meal with other singles. (In the end she didn’t stay home)
Believe me, I’ve never done this for other people. I feel like I have a special internal love for you and I believe I’m not the only one.
You mean something to ME. I feel your loneliness and pain very often and wish that you have more loving people in your life. May Hashem grant you that. Hug Hug


Last edited by thunderstorm on Wed, Aug 07 2019, 6:43 am; edited 1 time in total
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nchr




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Aug 07 2019, 6:34 am
sequoia wrote:
Everyone is tired of me.

I think they’d be glad if I were dead.


Sequoia everyone here and I assume IRL loves you.
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PinkFridge




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Aug 07 2019, 6:36 am
sequoia wrote:
Everyone is tired of me.

I think they’d be glad if I were dead.


Everyone, or some people who you don't need actively in your life now? Because if they feel that way, you don't need them to be a part of your life beyond some basic civil superficial interaction.
People joke about organ recitals (I'm thinking of an old comic strip with some older people complaining about what parts of them are falling apart, with the last panel being, "This organ recital was brought to you by...."). Yes, they can be tedious. But - and this is for OP too -
- Sometimes it's necessary to talk for technical reasons, whether someone's helping or to explain why you can't do xyz
- Sometimes it's necessary to vent. Under these circumstances, I would like to think Imamother is a safe place for people to vent and share their fears and concerns, even if anonymously. IRL good friends should be too. Of course, this shouldn't be the bulk of conversations. For you own sake it's good to have things to talk about, to remember that you have a life, and interests. Distractions are good too.

I'm sorry that my thoughts aren't better organized. I'm going to hit send now and hope that these words from the heart enter hearts.
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Laiya




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Aug 07 2019, 6:46 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I feel self centered. I am the person who annoys me.

Maybe people are being polite and don't literally mean how are you. I don't want to be annoying.

I have three critical health issues. I need to ask for accommodations and am tired. It seems like I keep getting knocked down by waves.

Overall, the community has been beyond wonderful, but I am wondering if I am resented.


It's hard to be on the receiving end, esp when you've always been a do-er. But I believe people genuinely care and want to help. Also, being sick does cause people to be focused on their physical issues, it's the way it is. You're not resented, you're in a tough situation. Refuah shleima.
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amother
Cobalt


 

Post Wed, Aug 07 2019, 7:02 am
thunderstorm wrote:
I am speaking for myself here. I only resent those that make themselves a “victim” with their health issues and expect me to take care of them because they didn’t take care of themselves. Or don’t want to take care of themselves.
For example: my relative had surgery a few weeks ago and is supposed to be off her feet for a couple of months. She doesn’t have anyone living with her to assist. Prior to the surgery I offered for that person to recuperate at my home after the surgery . She said she had plans to go to a friend for a week. After three days she decided she would rather go home because she felt she’s a pressure on the friend . I asked her if she arranged for anyone to prepare meals for her . She said a neighbor would etc.
She has a local grocery that can deliver to her and there are also lots of takeout places in her area that deliver. She refuses to make a phone order and has other people go out of their way to do her shopping and when they say they can’t she puts them in a guilt trip that “do and so ALWAYS is willing to help her and what’s so difficult? “
She then went and invited guests for Shabbos and was on her feet preparing etc against doctors orders. Sunday morning she messages me that she’s so worried that she set herself back and is having pain and other problems because she pushed herself too much on Shabbos. Well duh. She should have never been on her feet. Now she wants me to come to her in a different city to stay with her for a week. I work from home, have a family and she’s upset that Im not just coming.
This happens all the time with this person. She does not listen to the doctor and then kvetches when she develops problems due to not listening to the doctor.

If you were responsible and taking care of yourself to the best of your ability and Hashem sent you machlos , I have genuine compassion and concern and will offer to help to the best of my ability . As long as demands are not being put on me or causing me distress , I have no issue hearing about what you are going through.
Refuah Shelaima!


I think we share a friend!!
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ora_43




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Aug 07 2019, 7:03 am
So for me, it's "no, but..."

Generally, no.

- But it does get old if conversations are very imbalanced, for a long time. I want to hear about my friends' problems but I do also need them to be my friends, meaning, we don't have several-months-long periods where the relationship is all about me listening to them talk about the same problem with zero reciprocation.

- But I would find it frustrating if someone needs me to accommodate them, rather than doing things in a way that's easier for them. Eg someone who repeatedly refuses to use a walker, but then needs physical support (which is stressful b/c is more dangerous for both of us).

Honestly though these are just minor disclaimers, almost nobody I know with health problems does either of those things. Most people I know seem to go to the far other extreme, to the point where they can be very seriously ill and barely talk about it.

And remember it goes the other way too - it can be frustrating and upsetting if a friend doesn't ask for help or doesn't say how they are doing. Being honest with people when you're sad/hurt/etc is a way of showing that you see the other person as a friend and trust them to be there for you.
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Laiya




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Aug 07 2019, 7:14 am
thunderstorm wrote:
Sequoia, that is only your perception. But the reality is I feel a strong connection to you even though I don’t know you and never met you. It is because of you that my candle lighting time on Shabbos became more meaningful. I used to light and plop myself down on the couch with a book to get lost in and to ignore everyone around me. Now I take out my tehillim and I daven with you in mind , out loud while my young kids sit next to me and listen. They know I daven for my friend.
I also notified my single sister in Flatbush before yom Tov that if she was staying home and hosting to let me know so that you could join her for the meal with other singles. (In the end she didn’t stay home)
Believe me, I’ve never done this for other people. I feel like I have a special internal love for you and I believe I’m not the only one.
You mean something to ME. I feel your loneliness and pain very often and wish that you have more loving people in your life. May Hashem grant you that. Hug Hug


I wish I could like this post twice. Sequioa I hope things turn around for you soon. Refuah shleima b'karov.
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ora_43




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Aug 07 2019, 7:27 am
One more important thing OP -

I don't really get tired of people with health issues even if they do nothing but complain and even if they don't do things that would make their life (and mine by extension) easier.

Because if I start to feel like it's too much for me, I can always back off and take care of myself.

Of course it's good and important to be considerate, but you don't need to be the one deciding whether or not your needs are too much for your friends or community. Trust them to know where their own limits are. As long as you respect those limits (eg by not guilting people with "I thought you were my friend" style rants if they can't help - again I'm almost positive you don't do this) you're good. And you can assume they are helping because genuinely want to and can.
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sequoia




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Aug 07 2019, 8:01 am
thunderstorm wrote:
Sequoia, that is only your perception. But the reality is I feel a strong connection to you even though I don’t know you and never met you. It is because of you that my candle lighting time on Shabbos became more meaningful. I used to light and plop myself down on the couch with a book to get lost in and to ignore everyone around me. Now I take out my tehillim and I daven with you in mind , out loud while my young kids sit next to me and listen. They know I daven for my friend.
I also notified my single sister in Flatbush before yom Tov that if she was staying home and hosting to let me know so that you could join her for the meal with other singles. (In the end she didn’t stay home)
Believe me, I’ve never done this for other people. I feel like I have a special internal love for you and I believe I’m not the only one.
You mean something to ME. I feel your loneliness and pain very often and wish that you have more loving people in your life. May Hashem grant you that. Hug Hug


Thank you, that is very sweet.
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Frumwithallergies




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Aug 07 2019, 2:11 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I feel self centered. I am the person who annoys me.

Maybe people are being polite and don't literally mean how are you. I don't want to be annoying.

I have three critical health issues. I need to ask for accommodations and am tired. It seems like I keep getting knocked down by waves.

Overall, the community has been beyond wonderful, but I am wondering if I am resented.


It cannot be easy to feel like you are taking rather than giving, but there is a time for everything. This is your time to rely on others; please continue to ask for help when you need it!

I apologize for assuming from you opening post that you were not interested in other people and their tzurous. I wish you have a Refuah shleimah b'karov.
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amother
OP


 

Post Wed, Aug 07 2019, 8:32 pm
Frumwithallergies wrote:
It cannot be easy to feel like you are taking rather than giving, but there is a time for everything. This is your time to rely on others; please continue to ask for help when you need it!

I apologize for assuming from you opening post that you were not interested in other people and their tzurous. I wish you have a Refuah shleimah b'karov.


You are sweet. You are correct that it isn't easy to be slower and more unbalanced than others. I hate asking for a steadying hand, but the alternative is falling.

One particular friend has retreated from me, and another yells at me about my health. Yesterday, she was screaming at me for going to the doctor during the 9 days and that I shouldn't listen to what he said. My brother seems permanently angry at me over my health, and I did nothing to cause my problems.
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amother
Lawngreen


 

Post Wed, Aug 07 2019, 9:23 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:

One particular friend has retreated from me, and another yells at me about my health. Yesterday, she was screaming at me for going to the doctor during the 9 days and that I shouldn't listen to what he said. My brother seems permanently angry at me over my health, and I did nothing to cause my problems.


Stop surrounding yourself with people with major mental problems. You have enough problems in your life as it is.
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