Best parenting books

amother

Thu, Aug 15 2019, 3:24 am

I have 4 kids ages newborn thru 6.5. I feel like I am negotiating too much with them and they don’t listen well and they will ignore me to my face and too many times it’s easier to just pick up the wrapper off the floor myself then get the kid from his lego playing and make him do it. I don’t really have time at night to go to a class but what books would you recommend I read?

#BestBubby

Mon, Sep 09 2019, 10:03 am

Go to Amazon and read excerpts of parenting books by John Rosamond, who advocates Very Strict Parenting. I don't completely agree with Rosamond's methods but I think it is important for parents to read it and embrace the UNAPOLOGETIC concept that Parents are the boss and children MUST obey - it is NOT "a choice" except that if a child chooses to disobey the consequences must be severe enough that children will learn quickly that disobedience does not pay.

You have been brainwashed by the liberal culture to be a wimpy parent and your kids are taking advantage of you. Be proactive - and come up with consequences you will use if your children refuse your order to pick up a wrapper.

For very young children you should physically force them to pick up the wrapper - and if it hurts a bit tell them, "Do you want to pick up the wrapper yourself, or do you want Mommy to help [hurt] you?" Do the same for getting dressed, coming to you when called, etc.

Kibbud Av v'Em is one of the Aseres HaDibros - Just like keeping Shobbos. It is not if the child "feels like it".

mommy201

Mon, Sep 09 2019, 10:26 am

#BestBubby wrote:

oyoy! #bestbubby, Is this the method you used on your children? Are they happy, emotionally healthy, well behaved ppl who know how to have a healthy relationship with their spouses and children? It says nowhere in the Torah that we are supposed to force kids to do mitzvos. They need to be taught so that can do the mitzvos for the right reasons (lshem shamayim). Punishment, force, consequences, does not teach, it only tells them that if they dont do it, they will get punished, forced. But, as soon as the punishment is not there, (when they are older, someone is not watching) why would they continue to do the right thing?

PinkFridge

Mon, Sep 09 2019, 10:30 am

You know, bestbubby is on to something. Too much negotiating might point to a lack of confidence and authority. There are other sources I would go to before Rosemund, though. (Like just about all of them, but that's beside the point.) Maybe Rabbi Brezak? There was a (frum) book I read years ago by someone whose last name is Arbus. I remember appreciating a lot of it but I don't remember the title.

#BestBubby

Mon, Sep 09 2019, 10:37 am

mommy201 wrote:

I got lucky and had naturally compliant respectful children, so I did not punish. If I just said a few words it was enough.

BUT I have witnessed children abusing their parents who just stand there and take it.
These parents have been intimidated that all punishment and scolding is "abuse".

tichellady

Mon, Sep 09 2019, 11:00 am

#BestBubby wrote:

Different strokes for different folks. I think parents need to work within their own personalities and the personalities of their children when parenting. Kibbud Av ve’em doesn’t mean always listening to your parent, especially if the relationship is abusive or toxic, like the one you are describing.

amother

Lemon

Mon, Sep 09 2019, 11:04 am

baby12x wrote:

Any of the books by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish

How to talk so kids will listen
Siblings without rivalry
Liberated parents, liberated children

Exactly what I was going to say! It was a long time ago (roughly 20 years) but these books changed the way I parent and I'm eternally grateful for it. It just became a part of me and how I parent to this day.

If I remember correctly, I think "How To Talk...." was my favorite so I think you should start with that one. I'm generally cynical of self-help books and feel they usually bring only short term results, but this brought concrete, life long results b'h. Hatzlochah!

amother

Mistyrose

Mon, Sep 09 2019, 11:10 am

tichellady wrote:

To add to that, these kinds of parenting techniques teach a child to "obey their parents or else" but there's no emphasis on child taking responsibility and learning necessary skills to be part of society for the future.
I would rather my child learn the skills to notice the wrapper and take responsibility to pick it up. But that takes patience, trial, error and lots of repeating.

I was raised in the "listen now or else cause Mommy said so" atmosphere.
It took me a long time to learn to cook clean or do laundry even if I wasn't being punished. I had no skills or concepts of healthy behaviors and had to teach myself to take showers, brush my teeth, eat fruits and veggies because I should and not because someone told me to.

Please no one quote me in case I chose to go anonymous.

Last edited by amother on Mon, Sep 09 2019, 11:34 am; edited 1 time in total

#BestBubby

Mon, Sep 09 2019, 11:28 am

Parenting is not an either/or proposition:

Either: Do it because I said so
Or: Do it because I explained you the reasons for it.

You can do BOTH. You can explain to children WHY they should pick up the wrapper, eat healthy, brush teeth, etc.
But if the child refuses or keeps arguing - then it's "do it because I said so".

Explain to child that when she was 2 y.o. she didn't understand why she couldn't run in the street, but Mommy didn't let her anyway. And isn't she happy that Mommy didn't let her run in the street. When she is older, she will understand why Mommy doesn't let certain things, even if she can't understand right now.

Last edited by #BestBubby on Mon, Sep 09 2019, 11:39 am; edited 1 time in total