3 year old explosive when Abba leaves

Rappel

Sun, Aug 18 2019, 10:49 am

This isn't a new phenomenon, but it's grown steadily more dramatic over the last year.

As soon as DH steps out the door for work/school/anything that looks like it will be a while, my 3 year old DS goes quiet. (He's my eldest.)1 minute later, he is almost certain to do something violent to his baby sister.

He's normally a very reasonable and kind kid... Until something reminds him that Abba is gone. Then he'll explode into defiant, aggressive, and disobedient behaviour.

When Abba finally walks in, then he's suddenly a glowing, little lamb... Unless Abba's tired, and doesn't give him his undivided attention and interaction. Then he acts out in a major way.

It seems very clear to me that he's exploding because of pent-up feelings. It seems pretty clear to me that they're linked with his love for Abba, and that he wants more active play from Abba. But DH often doesn't have more to give: he works very hard to keep this family afloat, and he's often just done in when he's home. He still tries his hardest to give the kids attention when he's home, even if it's just sitting and reading books.

So I feel like I need to teach DS better coping skills when he's feeling sad/angry/lonely, other than knocking down his sister. But I don't know what, or how, or whether it's even age appropriate for me to expect more of him. In general, when he starts acting out, I take him away from the group for some quiet time, and tell him that he can rejoin the activity when he feels better. However, that doesn't answer his crisis moments about Abba. I don't know how to help him.

O wise and experienced amothers, what say you? How can I help him understand his feelings clearly, and express them appropriately?

Rappel

Sun, Aug 18 2019, 11:25 am

You're asking lots of good questions, dankbar. That's what I'm trying to figure out.

I don't starve him for attention, certainly. I'm a SAHM, I believe strongly in giving lots of targeted praise, I give them both activities, outdoor time, social time, and I try to give them individual time each day, though it's harder to carve that out when everyone is on summer break. In general, if he feels lost or uncertain, then he'll come sit in my lap until he feels better.

This is different. It's very blatantly connected to Abba. It's true that Abba is more of a fun parent in some ways - he's usually the one to go up the slides and such at the park, and he swings and throws the kids when he has the energy. I do more structured and creative activities with them - baking, gardening, and suchlike - and DS usually really enjoys that. Until Abba leaves, and then it all turns to dust until he forgets that he's gone.

You're right, that even as a baby (8-9 months old), he was noticeably attached to Abba. Right now, even if Abba's present, DS will turn to me if he needs anything. The explosive violence and disobedience only starts when abba leaves.

He doesn't usually know when DH will be home, since DH works security, which is round-the-clock. I usually try to give him landmarks - "after your nap, we'll eat lunch, and then abba will come home" - but I suspect he doesn't always believe me, since sometimes DH has to stay longer if there's an ongoing security incident, or even if the next guard doesn't show up.

So given that it's a crisis issue when abba leaves, for whatever reason - how do I teach DS to deal with his feelings appropriately, and not lash out?

Rappel

Sun, Aug 18 2019, 11:29 am

amother [ Lavender ] wrote:

Try to preempt his behavior. As soon as Abba leaves, call DS over to the couch with a book. Let him snuggle on your lap while you read to him.

I do try that now, and it often works. I don't always spot what triggers him, though (it's easy to know that he misses Abba when he asks to visit him at work; not so easy to realize that something just reminded him of an activity Abba promised for later.)

Anyway, I feel like I should be teaching him to deal with his emotions better. This is just a constant and blatant catalyst which causes him to lash out, destroy things, or otherwise misbehave. It's extremely noticeable, because he is generally a gentle, happy, and curious child who has a surprising amount of consideration for others.

amother

Babypink

Sun, Aug 18 2019, 12:10 pm

Rappel wrote:

\
Did he ever experience a loss or trauma such as a grandparent being hospitalized or die or move far away? Its possible that he has anxiety about his father not coming home again which is traumatic and should be dealt with with professionals such as a play therapist who can role play with him to see what the underlying issue really is.

amother

Gold

Sun, Aug 18 2019, 12:27 pm

amother [ Babypink ] wrote:

This!!
My stepson was two when his mother passed away, doesn't consciously remember anything, yet when my husband leaves, he would explode, freak out, scream for at least ten minutes.
What worked for us was being very ritualistic. Five minutes before "tatty is going to shul" hug and kiss at the door and then wave at the elevator. Repeat "tatty is coming home at 8.30" as many times as needed. He can't even tell time but that was a huge help.then he would wave from the window.
Slowly we skipped part of the ritual and now it's just hug kiss and when are you coming back.
Took a long time, but slowly got better