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My sister needs an intervention
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amother
OP


 

Post Mon, Aug 19 2019, 12:35 am
Thanks for all the replies. This being Imamother, ofc I received some very off base ones so I'm just dismissing them. (no I'm not jealous lol or immature for that matter. There's more about her and dh that I'm not including. on that note, for the sake of my younger siblings, I work doubly hard on my marriage and parenting so they can at least have one positive role model in the family.)

I absolutely do think someone needs to step in and I'm willing to take the fallout. I'm just asking what the best route is.
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creditcards




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Aug 19 2019, 1:00 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Thanks for all the replies. This being Imamother, ofc I received some very off base ones so I'm just dismissing them. (no I'm not jealous lol or immature for that matter. There's more about her and dh that I'm not including. on that note, for the sake of my younger siblings, I work doubly hard on my marriage and parenting so they can at least have one positive role model in the family.)

I absolutely do think someone needs to step in and I'm willing to take the fallout. I'm just asking what the best route is.


I think the best route would be to tell her that she seems so stressed out and ask how you can help her. Help her physically with making supper for her kids. She sounds really drained. Spend a lot of time with her and in the right moment offer her to help her find a therapist.


Last edited by creditcards on Mon, Aug 19 2019, 1:56 am; edited 1 time in total
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amother
Black


 

Post Mon, Aug 19 2019, 1:52 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I actually am curious. I don't care for her sake - be miserable if you want - or her marriage- it takes two to tango. But I want to know what would make you take it out on your kids more than a bad day makes you lose your cool. I'm spending more time with her now in the summer and I'm seeing her kids start turning against her. Even as they are desperately trying to reach out, and keep getting shut down.

We grew up in a home with yelling too so I know the feeling of stepping around a time bomb and the tightrope walk around the tension. So some of this is learned behavior (on the other hand, I grew up in the same home and I'm totally different). And it was never this bad. And we both agree our parent totally sucked at this aspect.

shouting isn't her problem. It's radiating impatience, annoyance, making the kid feel like you're doing them the biggest favor by slapping together a grilled cheese sandwich for supper at 7pm instead of happily providing for their basic needs. Like someone dumped these kids on her and she has no time, patience or energy to even look their way. That's her attitude. Honestly it's borderline emotional abuse. And there's no need for it, bc she's not busy working, cleaning or keeping house, so she should be able to spare an iota of attention for some naturally cute, good natured and gentle kids.

that's why I mentioned that there are no obvious stressors in her life. She's not an agunah or a divorcee or living with 3 kids in a one bedroom or married to a total a-hole, like other women I know who still manage to parent effectively. Like what's your problem exactly. Your life is pretty well set up, what are you so miserable about.

Best part is she's totally blind to it, My sister can logically quote How to Talk , different techniques etc but the reality is just so different. I feel like if she only heard a playback of what she sounds like, she would be mortified.

Idk, does it sound like depression? For years already?? I've also gone thru some stuff. I'm currently pretty miserable professionally and financially. I still am able to make my kids feel like a million bucks and not two cents. Why should the kids have to suffer?
OP, you sound very judgmental. And your sister sounds just like someone who is suffering from clinical depression. And yes, it can be for years. if clinical depression is not treated, the side effects/symptoms can be insane. And just because you are able to make your kids feel great, does not mean the next person is able to.
My husband suffers from clinical depression and complex ptsd (from a very very crappy childhood) He thankfully takes medication and sees a therapist every few weeks. But before he started taking medication? He was a sort of yelling, unhappy monster really. Stop judging your sister and stay out of her business. Love her and be there for her, if she needs or wants that, but dont get involved in what you dont know about.
Depression has many different shades of gray, trust me.
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amother
Lime


 

Post Mon, Aug 19 2019, 2:14 am
Amother Black, OP asked if it could be depression.

I see that you do think that might be the case.

OP was not saying it COULD NOT be depression. She was trying to avoid judging her sister. But she wants to help and does not know how.

Do you have a suggestion? Should OP bring up medication and mention that it could help her feel calmer and not so anxious and stressed all the time?

OP, I think CreditCards has it right: Try to step in and reduce her stress further - even if her life is not objectively stressful, she certainly seems to feel that it is too much for her. Look for a chance to mention that feeling this way must be terribly painful - she doesn't need to suffer. Help is available, and you're ready to do what it takes to make it possible for her to access that help.
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amother
Aquamarine


 

Post Mon, Aug 19 2019, 6:50 am
nechamashifra wrote:
Here is what I don't understand about some imamothers on here.
There is another post called "my mother is having a mid-life crisis" in which the op is asking what she should do about her mom who is an empty nester and seems a little lost and she is wondering whether to get involved and everyone is saying yes go ahead and try to help her (which by the way I find completely unhealthy for a mother-daughter relationship).

And here is a post where the op is stating that her nieces and nephews are growing up in a disastrous atmosphere and a home filled with tension, and everyone is saying stay out of it.

What?

Op, I say get involved. So what if your sister hates you? I don't care if she has a perfect life or not, the kids should not have to be the sacrifice here.


I agree.

Get involved op.
I have the same issue with my sister, we live in different countries though. It breaks my heart knowing that my nephews and nieces get yelled at daily, they get potched when they don't behave and they're even scared of their mother.
I should have done more when we lived in the same country. I still cry about this so often because I feel guilty for not helping the kids.
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Ruchel




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Aug 19 2019, 6:53 am
Ok, happy you're not in my life
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amother
Beige


 

Post Mon, Aug 19 2019, 7:38 am
I think what you are describing about your sister is the fallout of someone not really interested or invested in having a bunch of kids , and doing it anyway- but resentfully, and poorly. It's the side of the anti-BC coin that no one likes to acknowledge or talk about.

Not everyone is cut out to be a caring, nurturing mother of a lot of children at a young stage of their life (teens/early twenties). Many women can handle only one or two children- or none- and only at an older, mature time of their life. After they have had time to work on themselves and take care of themselves. Whether it's to recover from their own childhood of emotional neglect or abuse , whether it's to find themselves, develop themselves as people, or the like.

What you are describing is a woman running on empty, having lots of kids, likely for religious or societal reasons, and harming these poor vulnerable children in the process. It is very , very sad.
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amother
Cerise


 

Post Mon, Aug 19 2019, 8:53 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:


that's why I mentioned that there are no obvious stressors in her life. She's not an agunah or a divorcee or living with 3 kids in a one bedroom or married to a total a-hole, like other women I know who still manage to parent effectively. Like what's your problem exactly. Your life is pretty well set up, what are you so miserable about.



It's impossible for you to know this or anything else for sure. For years everyone thought I had the perfect marriage, because I hid it all from them. They had no idea what kind of pain I was going through and why I was acting the way I was. And just because someone else is living through something similar and seems to be surviving intact, doesn't meant she is capable of it.
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amother
Puce


 

Post Mon, Aug 19 2019, 10:15 am
amother [ Mint ] wrote:
You don't sound very caring or compassionate. How on earth do you know who's fault her marriage issues are?! Are you her??? Do you know what her husband is like when he is alone with her? You sound so judgmental and quite immature yourself, to be honest. Work on your own issues! Definitely do not speak to her husband about her, that is a serious lack of boundaries. Btw, the correct grammer is not " my sister needs an intervention," but my sister needs intervention.


Actually - there is a phrase called staging an intervention. That's where family and/or friends of someone with a problem such as alcoholism, where the person is in trouble and seems to be in denial, get together and talk to him/her as a unit. It's a common phrase, and you can google it.
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amother
Puce


 

Post Mon, Aug 19 2019, 10:20 am
I disagree that you should speak to her husband behind her back....particularly not before speaking with her directly first. It's crossing a line, and inappropriate. If it was my sister, I'd be able to tell her straight out that she's behaving oddly, but everyone has a different relationship with family members. It is possible that she's overwhelmed and not coping well, even though you think it should be relatively easy for her. Mindy Bieberfeld addressed a similar issue as an answer in one of her columns. You might want to consult with her or someone similar, and find out the best way to handle this.
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thegiver




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Aug 19 2019, 10:28 am
ALL she needs is to smile more and maybe a hug or two a day per kid. So easy and lifechanging. YOUCAN do everything u do every day with love or you can choose to do it begrudingly. Choose life choose love. It is not automatic. It takes forethought to overcome pressures of every day life. Maybe a life coach could help but that is only if the person is agreeable to change and has some motivation even if it is small. You can maybe leave books around within her reach (bathroom in your house or something) about these ideas. I cant think of a book but I am sure theres plenty. One is dont sweat the small stuff. They make a version for women too.
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thegiver




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Aug 19 2019, 10:31 am
I used to be a screamer. Then I read yell less love more. A few other books like self reg by dr stuart something. Peaceful parent happy kids by laura markham.
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amother
Coral


 

Post Mon, Aug 19 2019, 11:17 am
I think OP is right for being concerned. The way you describe your sister sounds like how I was for a while without realizing how bad it was. No I was not going through anything, I have a great husband, great kids, don’t work etc but I was just in a bad mood, angry and irritable every day. For no reason other than depression except I didn’t know it was depression because I wasn’t feeling depressed! I thought this is how I am, I’m moody and didn’t realize how bad I was acting. Not till my husband finally yelled at me and made me aware that what I’m doing is not normal, I need help and I’m damaging my kids etc, did it finally hit me that I need to do something. Yes I was annoyed with him but his words sank in and eventually realized he’s right. I then read up about depression and realized I was probably suffering some kind of depression. I was so relieved to realize it was that.
Please let your sister know it might be depression, she is probably not aware of it and might think she’s just in a bad mood or something. I’m not sure though how you should go about it. I would have been embarrassed for my sister to tell me, I’m much happier it came from my husband. If you’re very close to her though maybe you could somehow broach it gently.
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