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Forum -> Relationships -> Simcha Section
Simchas are bh overtaking my life
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amother
OP


 

Post Tue, Aug 20 2019, 7:34 pm
I’m feeling a bit guilty for this complaint because simchas are such a bracha, and I appreciate each one.

It is literally overtaking my life. I have a job and two little kids and it’s is so hard to constantly need to go out.

I cut out the ones I don’t absolutely need to go to. I bh have a large family and my sibling are marrying off their kids. First my niece gets engaged and my sister does a lchaim so I go over to give her a hug and to see the kallah... so there goes a night. A few days later she does an official event for extended family to come over and say Mazel tov. So I go out to get her a gift and I go to the vort ,Another night. She gets married, I go. Then their is two meals for shabbos sheva brochos. I wrack my brain what to do with my kids since they are not invited and I go. Then my parents do a sheva brochos and we are invited again, and sometimes there is a bonus round if my sibling also does a sheva brochos.

I love my niece dearly, but seriously how many times do I need to go tell her Mazel tov and tell her how beautiful she looks? Never mind the expense of babysitting! Each of these events I would be socially off if I would miss. Then I have a few weeks break and then Mazel tov! The whole cycle starts again!
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amother
Pearl


 

Post Tue, Aug 20 2019, 7:38 pm
It might feel like a lot for you, but for each kallah it's a once in a lifetime event. I'm so appreciative for every person who took the time out of her busy schedule to celebrate with me when I got engaged and married.
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bassarah1




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Aug 20 2019, 7:42 pm
I hear you but I for one always feel after I get home like it was worth it especially because even if for you they are all just another niece (not in a bad way in a practical way) to each of them its their (God willing) only special time and ur their aunt. this was really brought home to me recently. we moved a few years ago and now that I have to fly in I dont actually make it to everything but I did go to the wedding (cousin not a niece) and the kallah gave me such a hug and told me with a sincerity that truly shocked me how incredibly special it was to have me there. so I think yes its ok to acknowledge its hard but try and go with a smile and remember your presence means something
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amother
Amethyst


 

Post Tue, Aug 20 2019, 7:59 pm
Same- I have over 100 nieces and nephews and between engagements, weddings, Sheva brochos, vacht nachts, brissim I also feel like I can’t breath. And my kids are usually not invited... and if they are they don’t appreciate it and are over tired the next day.
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Mama Bear




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Aug 20 2019, 8:05 pm
My husband has kenehora nieces and nephews by the dozens, and their simchos always happen in droves, like, 2 weeks apart. Last October I had 4 weeks in a row. It was literally draining. and I dont enjoy dreessing up / dancing / socializing so it's torture.
Only simchos...
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amother
OP


 

Post Tue, Aug 20 2019, 8:28 pm
I also feel like all of my siblings feel the same. It is also a financial strain for them to keep on hosting us. I wish we can cut back a bit and decide to do one shabbos meal (for those that are not out of town) or go once when they get engaged.
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unexpected




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Aug 20 2019, 9:11 pm
You don't have to go to l'chaim- only the vort (or the opposite)
Shabbos, ur husband can walk over Friday night after your meal- you can do Shabbos day. Or you and dh go for one meal and skip other one entirely
Sheva brachos, I'd just chip in with the siblings and/or go to the parents one for a short while.
If it's out of town then just the wedding

I did this in my family and everyone eventually came around. Sure, my parents weren't too thrilled in the beginning but I kept repeating that my first responsibility is to my children who need their homework done, their baths, normal bed time etc. Oh, I also buy nice gifts because I am saving so much on everything else... and I try to be as helpful as possible with wedding preparations, especially babysitting
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amother
OP


 

Post Tue, Aug 20 2019, 10:16 pm
unexpected wrote:
You don't have to go to l'chaim- only the vort (or the opposite)
Shabbos, ur husband can walk over Friday night after your meal- you can do Shabbos day. Or you and dh go for one meal and skip other one entirely
Sheva brachos, I'd just chip in with the siblings and/or go to the parents one for a short while.
If it's out of town then just the wedding

I did this in my family and everyone eventually came around. Sure, my parents weren't too thrilled in the beginning but I kept repeating that my first responsibility is to my children who need their homework done, their baths, normal bed time etc. Oh, I also buy nice gifts because I am saving so much on everything else... and I try to be as helpful as possible with wedding preparations, especially babysitting


I wish I had the guts to do that. I’d literally be the only one missing. If a sibling or spouse doesn’t come to a simcha they will get texts like “are you ok? “ like for sure they are really sick!
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amother
Scarlet


 

Post Wed, Aug 21 2019, 12:23 am
It can get out of control. I have about 100 first cousins. I also live at least a 3 hour drive from my nearest cousin. I just cant do it anymore. I have young kids. I work full time. I cant drive 6 hours round trip minimum for every wedding, bar mitzvah, sheva brachos. I try to go for some events but I'm just going to have to miss some.
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agreer




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Aug 21 2019, 12:24 am
Do you really have to go to all the sheva brochos?
Lechaim - vort - wedding, yeah. But Shabbos SB and the one your parents make? Choose either/or.
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amother
Jade


 

Post Wed, Aug 21 2019, 12:36 am
Move out of town LOL
It's hard, I really feel for you. We live a 4-hr plane flight away from DHs family and they still get insulted when we don't come to every simcha.
At the end of the day you and DH need to work out what works best for your family and stick to that - no matter the snarky comments you get.
And if you come up with some sort of "system" with which kinds of simchos you do/don't attend, just make sure you try to be as consistent as possible so noone can accuse you of playing favorites
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tichellady




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Aug 21 2019, 1:03 am
agreer wrote:
Do you really have to go to all the sheva brochos?
Lechaim - vort - wedding, yeah. But Shabbos SB and the one your parents make? Choose either/or.


Agree. I say you go to lechaim or vort, send your husband to the other one and you both go to wedding.
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amother
Chartreuse


 

Post Wed, Aug 21 2019, 1:19 am
I understand that it's difficult for you. But I think I would have been very very sad if my aunt didn't take part of vort, chassunah and Sheva brachos.
Even though I would have understood that the babysitting etc is expensive and time consuming but I think your niece will remember for the test of her life that you were there and maybe that's worth it?
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nchr




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Aug 21 2019, 8:07 am
I say you dont go at all and just show up to say mazal tov on Shabbos.
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amother
OP


 

Post Wed, Aug 21 2019, 8:36 am
In reality, I’m not stopping to go. I’m not brave enough and I dont want to stir the pot. So I guess this is more of a vent then looking for suggestions. I wish that it would be acceptable in my circles to do less events for each marriage. It’s crazy that my sibling are so hardworking and spend so much money on events that most people would love to skip.
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unexpected




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Aug 21 2019, 9:39 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I wish I had the guts to do that. I’d literally be the only one missing. If a sibling or spouse doesn’t come to a simcha they will get texts like “are you ok? “ like for sure they are really sick!

Same here. This is what happened the first few times. Right now, when a niece, nephew gets engaged I make sure to call up my sis/sil right away and say because we will be attending in a limited way I want to be available to help you in what ever way I can. I offer to babysit her younger kids when she goes shopping and also to make suppers on hectic days. I also remind my mother/mil waaay in advance that I will not be attending everything. In the beginning everyone used to say, but your kids will feel so left out. In reality, my kids are grateful that they don't need to put their (BH!!) many, many simchos before studying for their tests and getting a good night's sleep when necessary. Of course whoever wants to attend is welcome to, and I have no problem making arrangements for my kids who do want to go.
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ra_mom




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Aug 21 2019, 9:44 am
What if dh stayed home with the kids by the L'chaim and weekday Sheva Brachos? So no paying a babysitter. And you go to represent the family.

And he goes with you to the Vort and wedding? Those can be the big important events (and costs).

For Shabbos Sheva Brachos, see if someone from your in-law family can have the kids over for one meal (daytime is usually easier with little kids). If they can't, stay home for the meal and walk over together with the kids to say Mazel Tov at dessert.


Last edited by ra_mom on Wed, Aug 21 2019, 10:38 am; edited 1 time in total
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Mama Bear




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Aug 21 2019, 10:18 am
amother [ Scarlet ] wrote:
It can get out of control. I have about 100 first cousins. I also live at least a 3 hour drive from my nearest cousin. I just cant do it anymore. I have young kids. I work full time. I cant drive 6 hours round trip minimum for every wedding, bar mitzvah, sheva brachos. I try to go for some events but I'm just going to have to miss some.


What??? Honestly: you dont have to attend any of those simchos. I don't work at all, and I literally don't attend simchos that are not local to me. Again, I'll go my nieces and nephews weddings, but I point-blank skip first cousins weddings that are not local. I even skip my niecees / nephews' vorts that are not local. I can't leave my 6 yr old for so many hours - he can't possibly be asleep before we leave, and he won't let a babysitter put him to bed. And when my 14 yr old comes home from a long day at yeshiva, he needs to have his mother home.

I figured, I only have 2 kids, all these ppl will come back to my simchos anyway. Why am I "punished" that I have to attend 1000 non-local simchos, of ppl I barely care about?

Don't feel bad for one second. Please!!!
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Tzutzie




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Aug 21 2019, 11:53 am
I could have written your post! Totally get you. It's hard. Are you from the younger ones in your family?

I am. One of my sister's already has 10 grandchildren.... kyh.

Add to all of what you wrote, first cousins still getting married...
And where I live it's almost impossible to her babysitters. So I'm always scrambling and taking favors from nieces.... once I had my niece and her 10 friends party away till we came home at midnight.... I almost missed that simcha.
We traveled 3 hours, we're there 3/4 of an hour.... fed the baby in that time too.
Unless I take up my teenaged non-Jewish neighbor on her offer.....

It's crazy.

Bh nor simchas though.
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amother
Khaki


 

Post Wed, Aug 21 2019, 12:04 pm
Op, I'm so happy to see you understand me. I even did a thread on this issue yrs ago. Most ppl said I'm bad"" for not going to everything. I really do want to go, but I work many hours, am the sole breadwinner and...I can't physically go out late to all these simchas(which I happy for) and get up very early for kids, work, etc. Then go to work, come home, care for my kids,house..

I agree with the poster who said "her responsibilities are to her kids first". But, most ppl in my family are not working full time, so they can't understand me.

I agree with u, op, that its ridiculous that the relatives making the simcha have to spend extra $ for hosting all relatives when a lot of times, the relatives are too tired..to attend!!! Why spend so much? Cut down and have less ppl!! But, this is how its done. And, many sahms can't relate...
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