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Forum -> Parenting our children

Lying

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amother

Thu, Nov 22 2007, 9:02 pm

so dd lied

can't believe she lied

she lied over something stupid and trivial

her face got red and I could see it written all over

trust is the most important thing in any relationship

and to top it off now she's mad at me

mimivan

Thu, Nov 22 2007, 10:12 pm

That's hard...but you know what..sometimes we have to look into ourselves.

Children are not born lying. Children are born telling the truth.
Rebbetzin Kaplan of Tzfat last year at a Neshei Chabad convetion talked about how chas v'shalom we "teach" our children to lie by getting angry.

I am not saying this to do mussar on anyone else, I am struggling with guilt feelings right now that my son has started lying at 4, and I know very well why.

And I knew better, because I learned in a course that when a child comes home and says "I hit M!" We don't immediately jump and shake a finger and say "That's wrong" (we do say this, but first it is important to listen to what the child has to say)...

I hope as I work on not having "automatic responses" to ds when he want to tell me something, he will stop lying (and thank Gd it is not yet compulsive, but I know the problem begins and ends with me)

amother

Thu, Nov 22 2007, 10:19 pm

the reason it bothers me so much is two-fold

I NEVER lie (she knows this)

and what she lied about - was directly hurtful to me

amother

Fri, Nov 23 2007, 11:56 am

why did she lie? was she afraid u woul;d punish her? did u accuse her and make her uncomfortable? why do u think she lied? ASK HER, then talk about it

amother

Fri, Nov 23 2007, 11:57 am

Quote:

and what she lied about - was directly hurtful to me

thats why she prob didnt want to tell u

amother

Fri, Nov 23 2007, 12:49 pm

I alos hate lying, so when one of my children was caught telling a lie, at first I freaked. Then when speaking it over with someone, we talked about why she might be lying. In figuring out what was causing it, it was eye opeining and then we could deal with it in an affective way. Hostile confrontation just never works. We let my dd know how we felt about lying, and also the rest that particular situation. Did she ever lie again, yes, but over time it did stop.

mimivan

Sun, Nov 25 2007, 1:07 am

amother wrote:

the reason it bothers me so much is two-fold

I NEVER lie (she knows this)

and what she lied about - was directly hurtful to me

OP
re-reading my post, I realize my musings might not have been relevant to your situation...It doesnt' sound like the parents' anger is necessarily the cause in your case. I was just talking about the subject a few minutes before I saw that post, which is what launched my musings on the subject. Sorry if the post wasn't relevant in your situation, but perhaps it can help others.

I am having some difficulty grasping the cause or the nature of the lie in your dd's situation. But I understand if you don't want to give more details.

amother

Sun, Nov 25 2007, 1:28 am

gosh it's sort of backwards and hard to explain

it was cause she was excited about something and didn't realize that the lie would be worse - until it came out and she was embarrassed

amother

Sun, Nov 25 2007, 1:53 pm

ok so she was embarassed already. we all make mistakes. dont make her feel even worse. give her a kiss and tell her that she has the power to control herself and tell the truth even when hard and tell her that no matter what u love her.

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