Teenage daughter is extremely self absorbed

amother

Red

Thu, Aug 22 2019, 12:45 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Amother red, you seem pretty upset by my post. Does it trigger something for you?
I'm not sure why you have so many questions and criticisms.
Also, why are you assuming we don't have a solid relationship? My post doesn't discuss anything other than dealing with one specific character trait.

Thanks for attacking me, it shows me that I am right about you.

You said that she gets the same things as her friends but then you contradict yourself and say that the things she gets is not standard (in other words, her friends dont get the same things). So which one is it, does she get the same things that her friends get or does she get different things than her friends?

You keep calling your daughter entitled and ungrateful, attention needy and self absorbed. Those are emotional abusive words not typical of a loving mother to call her daughter especially a teenager. Yes, she is teenager figuring herself out and dealing with her feelings but you seem to have a negative reaction to her by all the name calling you have done, by expecting her to be "grateful" and "appreciative" that you give her the same things her friends get. I just hope that you dont call her these names to her face. And if she is struggling with something then have her see a therapist to help her cope with her feelings. Or better yet, see a family therapist with the entire family so that you can all learn how to communicate better and actually build a better relationship without the resentment you harbor towards her.

chestnut

Thu, Aug 22 2019, 1:16 am

Oh please, with being emotionally abusive, amother red. It's ok to tell a teen she acts entitled if that's the case. (No idea if OP does)
This is her parent who cares, not a stranger. And it's ok to call it as it on this forum when explaining the situation. No abuse here.

amother

Thu, Aug 22 2019, 1:17 am

amother [ Violet ] wrote:

This might be an unpopular opinion, but I think it's pretty common behavior for teenagers and most grow out of it when they finish puberty. Personally I wouldn't be overly concerned. I would put my foot down, and set boundaries but I would ignore it for the most part.

This is what I kept telling myself. I guess I'm worried about the "most" part. I also wonder what my role as a mother is in guiding her. Its challenging for me to know how to handle it.

chestnut

Thu, Aug 22 2019, 1:22 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I completely agree! I don't give to make her grateful. I just worry that she isn't appreciative of the blessings in her life.

How about keeping a Thank you journal and write down 3-5 things she's grateful for, daily? Maybe do it together at bedtime?

amother

Thu, Aug 22 2019, 1:24 am

chestnut wrote:

How about keeping a Thank you journal and write down 3-5 things she's grateful for, daily? Maybe do it together at bedtime?

It's a great idea. I've done those things when she was younger but at this point she's a bit too old to go for it. And she goes to bed way after me Tongue Out

amother

Thu, Aug 22 2019, 1:28 am

amother [ Wheat ] wrote:

OP, I'm not commenting on your daughter or her specific situation. My kids are little and I really don't know what I'd do with that concern.

I just want to point out that this is an increasingly common phenomenon for teenagers nowadays. They take more and more for granted. The expectations for parents to fulfill have become absolutely astronomical. They think it's standard because "everyone does it."

I saw this difference from when I was a teenager to my sisters, who are 7 and 10 years younger than I am (teenagers now). The expectations are insane. The level of entitlement is ever-growing.

Absolutely! It's insane and so challenging to parent teens these days. I worry so much about her future happiness. I believe happiness doesn't come from accumulating more and more things, but rather from appreciating what you already have...

thankuhashem1

Thu, Aug 22 2019, 1:54 am

I'll suggest something way different, how about telling yourself once a day let's say her name is sury; sury I love you, your mine I know who you really are I know that you are happy content..etc.

I know it might sound funny but it doesn't hurt to try.....wanna hear feedback afterwards 🙂

amother

Thu, Aug 22 2019, 1:58 am

thankuhashem1 wrote:

That is a funny thing to do...😀😀😀. We are super close and chat all the time. I say I love u to her a hundred times a day and we discuss all her inner happenings. I wonder what she would think if I said that. It might be weird?

amother

Mustard

Thu, Aug 22 2019, 2:16 am

It's not uncommon for teens to have their moods and show unhappiness. Its heard of.

Since my kids became teenagers I had to bring up my parenting to the next level. It's very hard parenting teenagers . I feel like I put into them so much work and koiches .

Good luck with your daughter . I wouldnt show her that your taking serious the complaints because it will make her more demanding.
I have experience. U do have to put down a foot that it's not acceptable to complain all the time. Of course in a sensitive way and stay calm.

amother

Thu, Aug 22 2019, 2:18 am

amother [ Mustard ] wrote:

Thank you for the validation. I like your advice. Has it worked for u?

DrMom

Thu, Aug 22 2019, 2:20 am

I agree that many teenagers go through a self-absorbed phase.

How about you find some tzedaka project in which the whole family can participate?

A 5k run for a good cause, working in a soup kitchen, delivering groceries to needy families, etc?

It can be a way to get her to snap out of her self-absorption and also feel good about herself. Plus it's quality family time.

amother

Thu, Aug 22 2019, 2:35 am

DrMom wrote:

I like this idea! I have little ones, though. And my daughter has a very busy schedule. Can you suggest something that can be done with babies on weekends?

salt

Thu, Aug 22 2019, 2:37 am

Does she have any of her own self-earned money?
I have a teenage DS who wants new things more often than I can afford to give him, and way more often than his siblings get (eg, decided he doesn't like his shoes anymore after 4 months, and wants a different style).
So he pays for it himself. Or, sometimes, if I'm feeling generous, or just 'stam', I pay him back some of the cost.
When it's their own money, they get a sense of how quickly money can disappear,and it makes them more appreciative, when you do give them things.

Rappel

Thu, Aug 22 2019, 3:48 am

salt wrote:

This seems like valuable advice. It might be a little bumpy to introduce it now, but making her financially responsible for at least some of her purchases (Example: you cover food at home, $100 clothing a month, and $500 gas money a month. School trips/yearbooks are on you. Everything else is hers to pay for.) Should give her a sense of value and maturity, which is good for any teen's self esteem.

DrMom

Thu, Aug 22 2019, 4:07 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I like this idea! I have little ones, though. And my daughter has a very busy schedule. Can you suggest something that can be done with babies on weekends?

Weekends? LOL! What are those? (I live in Israel, no Sundays off...)

I'm not sure what options are available or where you live. Here, popular tzedaka activities include picking vegetables at local farms and donating to the needy, Pantry Packers, charity runs. Maybe check your local Jewish newspaper or local newspaper? Sometimes schools run events too.

dankbar

Thu, Aug 22 2019, 4:30 am

Yes, today's kids are very entitled. The more they get, the more they demand, need!

I am trying to teach my young kids, to say thanks to us, when they get something, to learn to be grateful.

We had way less, growing up & were much happier.

Suggestion? Send her to help more deprived, needy families that need help, for her to appreciate what she has, and to make her feel good, to be involved in chesed.

Once she will feel good with her essence, she might not need so much stuff, to feel good.

amother

Honeydew

Thu, Aug 22 2019, 6:55 am

from what you describe sounds like a common teenage phase she will outgrow

sounds like you are giving her all the nurturing she needs to outgrow it

sounds like she is the oldest

I would assume she will outgrow it and treat her with the knowledge that she will

hugs and hatzlocha