Whole mix of issues

amother

Mon, Aug 26 2019, 11:48 am

apologies in advance for rambling since I'm not entirely sure what I'm even asking.
so DD (9) is very sensitive and gets insulted easily. She has a decent sized group of friends but there are 2-3 girls in her class who make nasty comments to her and seem to be happy if they manage to make her cry. I tried talking to her teacher and guidance counselor last year and got nowhere.
She's in therapy for something else and the therapist knows what was going on at school. Her only advice was basically to make sure DD knows she's being heard. I did try to brainstorm with DD about ignoring them, pretending to smile/laugh just so that she doesn't give them the satisfaction of crying.
DD even talked about not wanting to live anymore. Therapist and I agree she doesn't really mean it but it's obviously connected to school more and not past trauma since all talk like that compeltely disappeared over the summer when she didn't have any contact with these nasty girls.
Therapist suggested having a meeting with me. her teacher and the guidance counselor but it's not going to happen soon since the beginning of school is always crazy and her teacher is new so I can't contact her before school starts (Sunday)
any brilliant experienced imas with suggestions out there?

amother

Mon, Aug 26 2019, 11:59 am

teachkids wrote:

Is there another school available? It sounds like this kid needs a fresh start

not where we currently live but I do want to move before the enxt school year (2020-21)
but she DOES have a group of good friends but she seems to fixate on this smaller group of mean girls

Rappel

Mon, Aug 26 2019, 1:05 pm

Can you talk to their mothers? This isn't your DD's problem - it's theirs, and without any past trauma this would still be hurtful, and would still need to stop.

Last edited by Rappel on Mon, Aug 26 2019, 1:58 pm; edited 2 times in total

Chayalle

Mon, Aug 26 2019, 1:16 pm

As a parent, I've found that in many circumstances, I can choose to either escalate a hurtful situation for my kids or diffuse it.

I remember years ago, there were a couple of bullies in the class of one of my DD's, and she used to come home very hurt. I had a friend/neighbor (a good old thick-skinned Israeli Sabra) who taught her daughter to develop a thicker skin, and I learned alot from observing their responses to these bullies. When DD would tell me something hurtful they said, I used to feel that hurt myself and we'd just sit and wallow in the pain of it.

But this other woman taught her daughter clever comebacks, and after a while, those bullies didn't bother that other girl much, as they didn't get much of a rise from doing so.

I remember a situation where some girls made fun of the fact that we lived in a small house. When DD, who by then had been coached to show them she didn't care much, told them that in fact, we put company up on the kitchen table because our house is so small, the whole class laughed with DD, and the bullies were basically left without a punchline.

I have found this to be useful over and over again - I try to teach my girls to desensitize themselves as much as possible. We will encounter some not-so-nice people out there, but we don't have to let it get to us.

It's a life skill that is very, very useful for the future.

amother

Mustard

Mon, Aug 26 2019, 1:22 pm

What can her teacher do about it when she doesn't even know thsee girls other than look out for it whenever she can? And most likey these girls are choosing times when teacher isn't around. So not sure what a meeting would accomplish. .

I would actually call the mothers of the good group of girls. Call a meeting speak to them so that you all band together . Each mother speaks to her own daughter or as a group whatever you think is best. Empower the good group of friends to stick up for their friend. Make a plan where they keep your daughter away from the mean ones..make it a mission of sorts where the good friends realize what's happening and step in to help. You can even offer group meetings with all the girls to see how the day went offer prizes etc. Make them feel important that they have a job to do- to make the classroom a safe space for your daughter and for each other.

oneofakind

Mon, Aug 26 2019, 1:37 pm

1. get the principal involved.

2. if the mean girls have normal mothers, call them directly. If not, skip this point.

3. I agree with banding the good girls together.
4.I would read The Bystander Effect and Izzy Kalman (he's online) on bullying.

5. Your daughter could be bully proofed. You could read "My Friend the Bully " by Rifka Schoenfeld. with her.

6. Kids who have friends but keep gravitating to the bullies or don't know how to stick with their friends for safety have this thought, "This shouldn't be happening to me".The reality is that it is, so their job is to protect themselves while the grownups should be trying to stop this from happening although it's often not possible because the bullies do it when grownups are not watching.