How to let go? | Imamother

amother

Mon, Sep 02 2019, 7:56 am

I need help with trying to let go when my kids aren't around. My oldest just started first grade and has longer hours. He's a homebody type and it's so hard for me not knowing how he's doing for so many hours of the day. Or my daughter who just started preschool...
Wish I could send them with button cams...
It's only gonna get worse the older and more independent they get. That's why I'm trying to nip it in the bud now. It's also really not healthy for them...
Can anyone relate?
How to learn to let go?

amother

Black

Mon, Sep 02 2019, 8:56 am

When children are small we have to be their "everything". They are really an extension of ourselves. For example, That's why we dress them cute outfits even though they have no idea what they look like. As they get older we need more gevura. To hold ourselves back and let them.be their own person. If we get this balance correct we will achieve tiferet and our lives will be healthy. If we get the balance wrong it us not healthy for the kids and we don't reach our potential.

It is wonderful that you are aware of the problem and I give you a brocha that you will eventually get the balance correct and will raise happy healthy children, and grow yourself into a wonderful human being.

amother

Seagreen

Mon, Sep 02 2019, 9:30 am

My mother was not able to let go. She always said that she’s only happy when everyone is home which put pressure on us and made us feel guilty if we wanted to go to sleep away camp or a friend for shabbos.
Not that she did anything to make it fun at home... it was rather boring. She slept late, didn’t like going out to take us on outings ...
But the big problem was when it came time for us to marry. She was not proactive at all. She simply didn’t want us to leave the house. Some of us married ourselves off (literally) and some are still home in their 20’s and 30’s. She has practically made the unmarried kids handicapped and incapable of marriage.

Now all that’s quite extreme.
But I understand you op. I worry tremendously about my kids when they are going to a new place without me or starting the school year with new teachers and friends. One of my kids was just sent to an out of town school and will be dorming. My heart is in my stomach but I believe it’s the right choice to enable this child a better life.
And I daven. Daven daven daven ...
I daven that my children should have menuchas hanefesh. They should have simchas hachaim. They should find favor in their teachers eyes and they should have friends who appreciate them and have a good influence on them.
Our goal is to raise emotionally stable children who have yiras shamayim. All we can do is ask Hashem to help.
As the school bus pulls away with my children you might find me walking down the street talking to Hashem and asking him to watch over each child . I beg Hashem that our child should be safe and feel happy.... he should find favor in everyone’s eyes. He should have good middos and yiras shamayim. He should have friends to play with today and come home happy...

FranticFrummie

Mon, Sep 02 2019, 9:33 am

Oh mama, I hear you! It's really heartbreaking and nerve wracking. You owe it to yourself, not just your kids, to get a handle on the anxiety.

I remember the first time DD came home from school, singing a new song that I didn't teach her. Crying

I had to realize that I wasn't the only influence in her life anymore.

The best thing you can do is be happy for your kids. B'H, they are smart and healthy and exploring a new world. Ask them what their favorite thing was that day. Ask them what the worst thing was that day. Ask them what the other kids had for lunch. Stay involved with their daily experiences, and you'll feel like you were right there with them.

While you're home, prep dinner, make cookies, and tidy up the house. One of DD's favorite memories is of having warm, home made cookies ready as soon as she came in the door. It wasn't the cookies, so much as the feeling of being comforted and nurtured, after a long day of having to sit still and behave.

(Her best friend lived around the corner, in a huge Victorian house. The friend's parents were very wealthy, and both worked long hours. The girl had a nanny, and after school classes, and every toy you could ever want. Still, she would come over to my house and say "I wish you could adopt me!")

amother

Mon, Sep 02 2019, 12:10 pm

Thanks for all the responses.
My problem has nothing to do with being bored, because that is far from my reality - for the poster who said I should get a job, or ff for giving tips on how to fill my time. Thanks though.
It's more just a momma worrying and wanting to protect her children from everything even though that's not how life works.

For the poster who said to daven daven daven. Yes! I know that but a reminder is extremely helpful. So thank you.

imasinger

Mon, Sep 02 2019, 4:34 pm

I thought this was going to be a thread about sending a post HS DD to seminary in EY!

It's hard, OP. Because in the early years, you had some control of protecting them.

Time helps. Watching them come home happy helps. Setting up playdates with classmates, and getting to know some of the mothers helps.

Be sure to set aside at least 10 minutes per kid of one on one time with you, as many days as you can. Use that time to enter their world, rather than teach or direct.

I bet by the end of the chagim, you'll feel much better.

amother

Gray

Mon, Sep 02 2019, 8:02 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Yes but you won’t find much understanding here on this, they mostly have the opposite problem and don’t know how to deal with it when their kids are home