Can I ask DCs' friends not to always come on Shabbos

amother

Wed, Sep 04 2019, 12:20 pm

Is there anyway I can tactfully ask my children's friends not to come over on Shabbos sometimes? Most of them are my oldest DDs (age 14). She doesn't even want them over most of the time and would rather spend the day after shul to read and have some down time. She feels bad to not let them come over and will ask me to be the "bad guy" sometimes and ask them to go home or make up some excuse that she can tell them not to come. They come over because they are bored. And they eat our snacks. And often times make a mess. They aren't even that great of friends with DD but since they all live close by, everyone just makes do.

amother

Amethyst

Wed, Sep 04 2019, 12:24 pm

Probably a good idea to let them know before shabbos rather than turn them away from the door. If dd doesn't want to say she's just not in the mood for company this week, she can say she has reading to catch up on, or family wants a quiet shabbos, etc. I don't think anyone should feel obligated to constantly take in the neighborhood kids week after week.

Learning

Wed, Sep 04 2019, 12:26 pm

If you turn them away every Shabbos with an excuse like she is resting or sleeping or it’s not a good time now they will stop coming eventually

amother

Tangerine

Wed, Sep 04 2019, 12:26 pm

yes of course esp as DD is asking you to!
DD comes first
show her she is the priority help her learn to make good boundaries
praise her for knowing herself and her needs too
you can encourage her she can tell the kids in advance she is tired and won't be available
whether she does this or not you can answer the door and confirm that and let them know and don't let them in
your place does not need to be the hangout particularly if your DD is not on board with that!

if necessary you can also let the parents know, but usually not necessary so long as you play the gatekeeper

encourage DD that she does not need to hide but can say she needs a nap now or whatever she does not need to let them in or agree to whatever they want

praise her for letting you know and let her know you understand her and are always happy to help her

this is a good skill to develop for now and the future

sometimes it is hard for a 14 year old to say "no" to a group that shows up, especially if they are not her closest friends, its a neighborhood group, maybe also some siblings, and they've gotten used to your house being the hangout and they may try to persuade her or the like -- if she is asking you for help it can mean this group is a bit pushy and she may need help to create her quiet space its not enough if they say "we won't bother you" or "go ahead and rest" and they come in kwim

best to encourage her to tell them in advance

if necessary she can tell them my mom said it doesn't work this shabbos and know that you will back her up (maybe you feel she needs to rest etc)
it is very important for her to know that she can set a boundary and you will back her up and that its ok to sometimes say no -- it sounds like she feels they are just coming because they are bored and also want snacks not really for her -- either way its up to her

hugs and hatzlocha

ShishKabob

Wed, Sep 04 2019, 12:28 pm

How about not answering the door?
If your goal is that they should never come, after a few weeks of no one answering the door, they probably wouldn't try again.
However, you should really think about this. Does she want them out of her life completely? or does she/you just need a break?

FranticFrummie

Wed, Sep 04 2019, 12:28 pm

"Now that school has started, DD is really exhausted at the end of the week, and just wants some quiet time to rest."

amother

Cerulean

Wed, Sep 04 2019, 12:32 pm

Send them to our house, we need friends on shabbos.

Chayalle

Wed, Sep 04 2019, 12:53 pm

I think at 14 your DD should speak up for herself. She can tell her friends "this Shabbos doesn't work out for me to get together" or something like that, to give herself some space.

rosezee

Wed, Sep 04 2019, 2:27 pm

You should really encourage DD to speak for herself and tell her friends when they come to the door “I’m not feeling up to it”
Let your daughter have a voice
And let her decide when she wants/ doesn’t want friends over
They are her relationships and she is old enough to be encouraged to maturely handle them.

It’s not easy but oh so important to learn...

Good luck!

amother

Aubergine

Wed, Sep 04 2019, 2:27 pm

ShishKabob wrote:

This.
She should think very carefully if she never wants them to come again. She won’t want to be left yearning for friends but no one shows up. And if she gives them the cold shoulder at her door they might not want her showing up at their door.

amother

Tangerine

Wed, Sep 04 2019, 2:42 pm

maybe you also need some assertiveness strengthening because you ask "can I"...you sound like a wonderful sensitive person as does your daughter -- and your concern with being tactful
you are certainly encouraged to set boundaries!
very healthy!
and you must do all you can to set a good role model and example for your daughter to also do so!

33055

Wed, Sep 04 2019, 2:47 pm

She's only 14. Mom can certainly say that it's not a good time or today doesn't work.. No further explanation is necessary.

amother

Cerise

Wed, Sep 04 2019, 3:13 pm

For all those saying to just let the girls come and either not answer or reject them at the door....that's just mean. Teenage girls have feelings too. And there is no need to make them go through rejection week after week repeatedly.

I agree with all those who encouraged the daughter to give her friends a heads up about not being available this (or other shabbosim) so the girls can make alternate plans. The conversation can explore whether the girls can rotate houses or something along those lines. This is teaching the daughter good relationship skills, how to establish boundaries in a healthy and respectful way, as well as sensitivity to others.

ddmom

Wed, Sep 04 2019, 10:23 pm

How about "we like to rest after the seuda can you please come visit after 5 o'clock?" ( whatever time works for you! maybe an hour before shalosh seudos?)
This way you all get your quiet time and guests don't stay too long! Also they won't feel rejected but realize it's not always a good time.

Raisin

Thu, Sep 05 2019, 5:40 am

Your daughter can say, lets go to Chanis house. My parents want to rest. Then she can slip away after a time and come back home.

Or she can tell her friends not to come until 5 or 6 pm.

DrMom

Thu, Sep 05 2019, 5:45 am

Chayalle wrote:

I think at 14 your DD should speak up for herself. She can tell her friends "this Shabbos doesn't work out for me to get together" or something like that, to give herself some space.

This.

And I'm surprised at how many posters here are suggesting that people just not answer the door. Why encourage such passive-aggressive tactics?

amother

Blush

Thu, Sep 05 2019, 7:12 am

DrMom wrote:

This.

And I'm surprised at how many posters here are suggesting that people just not answer the door. Why encourage such passive-aggressive tactics?

Agreed. I think it's awful not to answer the door in such a situation.