My husband wants to move. I don't

amother

Tue, Sep 03 2019, 6:50 pm

My husband's rav is moving to a town an hour away and moving the shul with him. (Community changes, demographic changes). I don't want to move. I'm settled here, I'm not interested in going through the whole house buying/selling proces. (We own our house.) My husband doesn't like the other shuls here and says he'll daven at home. I don't know. Is it my job to move just so he can daven in a shul he's happy in?

amother

Tangerine

Tue, Sep 03 2019, 7:06 pm

Omg!!!! I'm in the same boat as you!! My husband has wanted to move for the past 2 years but I've been too scared, so I totally get you. Is there a way you can move at the end of the school year? Give it one more year where you are so that you have enough time to mentally and emotionally adjust to the idea of moving? I don't think moving for a shul/rav is necessarily a bad reason to move. My husband has no shul, no griends, no Rav where we are currently. I see where your husband is coming from, but I also understand the hesitation in your part. I'm right there with you ❤️

amother

Aqua

Tue, Sep 03 2019, 7:12 pm

Wow, I'm in the exact opposite position
I hate where I live. I never wanted to move here and dh promised me it will be temporary for a few years, it's 4 years later I'm trying to make it work but seems like we will be here for a while. My eldest is in 3rd grade my husband LOVES it here and loves him job and shul and everything
Its so so hard for me
Good luck everyone!

imasinger

Tue, Sep 03 2019, 7:13 pm

AIUI, the job is neither to be the shmatte who gives up everything she cares about for the sake of her man, nor the rigid person who expects her DH to back down.

The job is more nuanced.

It's to talk. And talk and talk and talk, until it's hashed out.

List all the pros and cons for each of you. Articulate each other's point of view, until both spouses are sure they've been heard and understood.

Only then do you start brainstorming solutions.

And remember that nothing, even when it comes to something as complex, time consuming, and expensive as moving, is written in stone.

Sometimes, we try things and they don't work out. Sometimes, we put significant money or effort into something we later regret. That's a part of life. And probably a part that's preferable to causing serious problems by either giving in too quickly about things that really matter to you, or not giving ground at all about things that really matter to your spouse.

Hatzlacha!

amother

Tue, Sep 03 2019, 7:24 pm

I won't have to change jobs or schools. I already commute for work so this will add maybe 15 minutes to my commute. And the school is halfway between both places. I just don't want the stress of selling our house and buying another one. Plus we really can't afford it.

sub

Tue, Sep 03 2019, 7:29 pm

Would renting be an option? Don’t sell yours, rent it out. And rent in the new area. Set a time frame for evaluating the new situation. If you end up being happy then you can sell. If not you can move back. The fact that schools and jobs are not affected is a big plus.

amother

Tue, Sep 03 2019, 7:39 pm

It's not a question whether I'd like the new place. It has a lot of maalos. It's just that buying/selling a house is expensive and we don't have the money. And all the stress and tircha. Packing up a house is major stress. That area doesn't really have rentals. I'm happy with the house we have now and a similar size house in.that area is way outside our budget.

oneofakind

Wed, Sep 04 2019, 9:21 am

A Rav and a shul that the husband feels connected to is an anchor for the whole family. A place you can ask your shailos. A place to take your kids. A husband with no shul is a family missing a structure.

groovy1224

Wed, Sep 04 2019, 9:21 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Then it sounds like it's really not an option..does dh have a plan for making it work? How does he expect to move if you can't afford a home in the new community?

amother

Wed, Sep 04 2019, 11:12 am

Quote:

Then it sounds like it's really not an option..does dh have a plan for making it work? How does he expect to move if you can't afford a home in the new community?

Basically all I have to do is lay low and do nothing. If I don't make the move happen it won't happen. Only question is how to deal with a husband refusing to daven with a minyan because the other shuls aren't to his liking.

ShishKabob

Wed, Sep 04 2019, 11:18 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Quote:

Then it sounds like it's really not an option..does dh have a plan for making it work? How does he expect to move if you can't afford a home in the new community?

First of all, I want to tell you that I totally understand you. It's not fun to have to deal with this new situation that was handed to you without even asking for it.
In regard to davening and other areas, you can't really control your dh.
This con of not going to shul should be part of the pros and cons that should be on your list when assessing this situation.
It sounds like you don't even want to assess the situation even one single bit of it to me. Please correct me if I'm wrong.
If you can't afford it, what are your dh's thoughts on it?
Let's say that a house comes up for whatever reason and it's in your affording range. Will you even consider it?
Whatever you do it should be with hatzlocha and brocha.

ShishKabob

Wed, Sep 04 2019, 11:37 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

. Is it my job to move just so he can daven in a shul he's happy in?

I just wanted to address this sentence.
It's not necessarily your 'job' to move. I think somewhere it's written that a dh can give his wife a get if he wants her to move out of the town where her mother lives and she doesn't want to move with him. Please verify this info first.
Again, it's not necessarily your 'job'. Some women may want to do it as an investment in their marriage. they are doing it for their marriage out of their choice.

Ruchel

Wed, Sep 04 2019, 2:40 pm

We wanted to move to a place with same language but he would have to build back his career. That was basically the only real reason not to move so we still havent moved though we may if we decide it's worth it for chinuch

livinginflatbus

Thu, Sep 05 2019, 3:03 pm

It’s difficult and it might sound trivial but having a connection to a rav and a shul is so important. My husbands rav and his relationship to his shul did wonders for our family .