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Forum -> Relationships -> Manners & Etiquette
Did it look bad? (funeral)



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amother
OP


 

Post Thu, Sep 05 2019, 4:59 pm
We were visiting non-frum relatives for the long-weekend knowing that an aunt was declining in health. During the trip the aunt passed away. Being a non-frum family and due to circumstances surrounding the nifteres, we weren't immediately sure if the funeral would be right away or possibly later in the week, and me being expecting, and kids had to get back to school, had nothing to do in the house that we would've stayed in for the shiva had we stayed, and I had some work commitments that would've been more annoying to reschedule. We arranged for my husband (nephew) to be at the funeral while I took the kids home (10 hours away). In the end, my work commitments were rescheduled anyway. All of the other immediate family members, and those who had been together for the weekend were present at the funeral. I know no one is going to actually say anything to me about our decision, but was it the right one? Should I have stayed anyway? Should I have put family first over work/school?
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amother
Amber


 

Post Thu, Sep 05 2019, 5:08 pm
No. You did the right thing cuz you had your priorities... You can call them to be menachem avel & if you see fit you can explain that you didnt think that for the aveilims sake it was appropriate to stay over with kids during their stressful grieving period
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amother
Chocolate


 

Post Thu, Sep 05 2019, 5:17 pm
Would your decision have been different had the person been frum?
If not, you did the right thing.
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amother
OP


 

Post Thu, Sep 05 2019, 5:31 pm
amother [ Chocolate ] wrote:
Would your decision have been different had the person been frum?
If not, you did the right thing.


Perhaps only if the person had been frum we would've KNOWN that the funeral would've been done in short order, but when we left it was not clear if it would've been the next day or next week. It was only when we were part-way home that it became clear that the levaya was going to be held quickly.

If anything I felt bad because we dont' see these relatives often, especially b/c they aren't frum we don't have a lot in common so I dont' know when we'll see them again. And I find paying 'shiva" calls on the phone more awkward even more so when the avel doesn't really know how to "sit shiva"--they are pretty secular.

Though as it was my husband left pretty much straight after the cemetery and then the collation afterwards and got home around 1am with no kids in the car. Had we left all together, who knows when we would've gotten home and I had a meeting first thing the next morning.
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teachkids




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Sep 05 2019, 5:32 pm
I think with kids in the picture it's reasonable to go home. You wouldn't have brought them to the funeral anyway (unless they're big kids) so you wouldn't have been there anyway.
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amother
Cobalt


 

Post Thu, Sep 05 2019, 5:58 pm
sounds like you made the best choice: you took the kids home and DH stayed
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amother
OP


 

Post Thu, Sep 05 2019, 6:45 pm
teachkids wrote:
I think with kids in the picture it's reasonable to go home. You wouldn't have brought them to the funeral anyway (unless they're big kids) so you wouldn't have been there anyway.


There was one other set of cousins with kids that stayed, that's why I second guessed my decision, but their youngest is 4 and mine is 21 months. I don't even know if they actually went to the funeral, but not sure where else they would've gone.
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amother
Amber


 

Post Thu, Sep 05 2019, 7:06 pm
Quote:
paying 'shiva" calls on the phone more awkward even more so when the avel doesn't really know how to "sit shiva"--they are pretty secular


Nothing wrong with just calling to say "I'm sorry for your loss... May we only know of simchas!" Regardless of how they choose to "sit shiva"
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amother
Floralwhite


 

Post Thu, Sep 05 2019, 7:13 pm
I would have stayed for at least a day..it's pretty poor taste to leave immediately after the death of a relative even if you don't know when the funeral will be. Staying to offer comfort etc even if shiva didnt start- showing supoort would have been nice and then after a day or 2 you see funeral isn't happening then you leave. Obviously in hindsight you couldn't have known funeral would be done quickly. But I still think you don't leave right away after a death. It's a time for family to band together.
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FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Sep 05 2019, 7:24 pm
amother [ Floralwhite ] wrote:
I would have stayed for at least a day..it's pretty poor taste to leave immediately after the death of a relative even if you don't know when the funeral will be. Staying to offer comfort etc even if shiva didnt start- showing supoort would have been nice and then after a day or 2 you see funeral isn't happening then you leave. Obviously in hindsight you couldn't have known funeral would be done quickly. But I still think you don't leave right away after a death. It's a time for family to band together.


I didn't get the feeling from the OP that she just grabbed the kids and headed straight for the door. It sounds like she tried to find out when the services were supposed to happen, and nobody knew what was going on.

The nifteres was related to DH, not to her, so it makes more sense that he stayed. Dealing with pregnancy and a toddler during shiva can be difficult for anyone. I think she made a very difficult decision, and put a lot of thought into it.

She can always call and say "I really hope you don't think that I was bailing out on you. Between the pregnancy and work demands, it was a very tough decision to stay or not. I am sorry for your loss, may her memory be a comfort."
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amother
OP


 

Post Thu, Sep 05 2019, 9:13 pm
amother [ Floralwhite ] wrote:
I would have stayed for at least a day..it's pretty poor taste to leave immediately after the death of a relative even if you don't know when the funeral will be. Staying to offer comfort etc even if shiva didnt start- showing supoort would have been nice and then after a day or 2 you see funeral isn't happening then you leave. Obviously in hindsight you couldn't have known funeral would be done quickly. But I still think you don't leave right away after a death. It's a time for family to band together.


We hung around for the rest of the day while the family was sorting things out, at one point getting close to supper when things were still very "up in the air" we took our kids to find some kosher food for supper, hoping we'd see the family again later that evening, but most people just disbanded. We had planned to stay in the immediate area that night, but there had been a problem with our motel reservation so we had to make a quick-thinking decision and headed in the direction of home to find a different motel an hour away. It was not the way I had wanted to leave., but then again it was not the way we had planned it. Also, not knowing if it would be a temple/chapel service or a grave-side ceremony, and being pregnant, I know its not so simple to go to the cemetery while pregnant. I've been in this situation before, and for an immediate relative I was told I could go to the ceremony, but wasn't sure about "husband's aunt".
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amother
OP


 

Post Thu, Sep 05 2019, 9:25 pm
FranticFrummie wrote:
I didn't get the feeling from the OP that she just grabbed the kids and headed straight for the door. It sounds like she tried to find out when the services were supposed to happen, and nobody knew what was going on.

The nifteres was related to DH, not to her, so it makes more sense that he stayed. Dealing with pregnancy and a toddler during shiva can be difficult for anyone. I think she made a very difficult decision, and put a lot of thought into it.

She can always call and say "I really hope you don't think that I was bailing out on you. Between the pregnancy and work demands, it was a very tough decision to stay or not. I am sorry for your loss, may her memory be a comfort."
\

Thanks, I've been feeling a bit guilty, perhaps feeling left out of my chance to grieve properly as we had been quite friendly with this aunt and she always had interesting questions for my frum husband and between not really getting a chance to really see her and say goodbye b4 she passed (I got to wave at her for literally a second on Friday, my husband did not see her), having to be the strong one while the rest of the family was reeling from the news, and in front of my kids, and lack of closure from not being at the funeral, and "manning the fort" until my husband got back its been an emotional roller coaster all week.
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amother
Cobalt


 

Post Thu, Sep 05 2019, 9:41 pm
I would think they would be appreciative that you made it possible for dh to stay and manned the fort.
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