My son says that he has no friends

amother

Wed, Sep 04 2019, 12:02 pm

He just started 4th grade. He says that the other kids in the class get attention, but nobody notices him. The boys don't want to play with him, they don't involve him in games, they just ignore him.

He wants us to speak to his teacher and have him tell the boys to be nice to him- but I can't imagine that this would be the right thing to do.

He's clearly in a lot of pain- how can we help him?

amother

Amber

Wed, Sep 04 2019, 12:06 pm

I would definitely start by calling the teacher and finding out what is going on (especially since DS is asking you to do so all the more so as he is onboard with this)
there are always ways a teacher can help this situation behind the scenes
you can give her a heads up on this so as to nip it in the bud if she is unaware of it as of yet
sometimes a teacher will suggest friends or talk to specific kids or move seats or keep an eye on whats going on and foster inclusivity without singling him or anyone out
she can do things to help lift his status in class and create positive connections
and let you know what is going on so as to best address it as a team

is it the class/group? was it always like this? what if anything has changed? is there an issue in a classroom? in certain situations I would ask to switch classes but that is after other things have been tried and if it seems like that would help

you can give him strategies like bring a ball to school and ask the kids who wants to play whatever is the popular game there at the moment
be prepared if some don't -- role play -- hopefully some will

you can role play different scenarios he encounters in class (ask him) and if you need help to do this well ask around teachers/mentors/ professionals if necessary

does he have older brothers/cousins/friends who can help boost him as well as his status in the class?

see what is the popular games/activiteis at recess and facilitate his being able to do them/be good at them/comfortable with them

do you know any moms in the class you can talk to and feel out the situation and make plans with for him so as to foster the relationships?

if teacher does not/cannot help I would then take it then to the menahel

is there anyone in his class he would want to invite over? or you could take them for an outing like ice cream or something? any families with kids in his class you could invite over for shabbos seudah?

I would let him know that I am taking him seriously, being proactive, and talking to his teacher and that you are confident things will improve and kol hakavod to him for telling you.
That it is not his fault he is a wonderful boy and sometimes groups and children make mistakes and need to learn to behave with good middos. (do not demonize these kids esp as he wants to befriend them! and you hope he does) keep a balance so as to empower him as well as let him know you are taking him seriously and that the adults in his life can help him find the tools with which to succeed.

and give him tons of TLC at home and see if you can boost his socializing at home with neighbors/cousins/etc extracurricular fun relaxing and self esteem boosting

wishing DS and everyone a great year in every way

hugs and hatzlocha

Rappel

Wed, Sep 04 2019, 12:15 pm

I may be off the mark, but it sounds like your son is used to adults managing his social interactions, and now that his age group is transitioning into independence, he's somewhat unsure what the new rules of the game are.

Maybe ask him whom he would want to be friends with. He'll need a kid whom he views as an equal, not a deity. Then invite one of those kids out for an activity that your son already excels at - examples: a roller rink and pizza, Nintendo, rock climbing. Only invite one, so group dynamics don't come into play.

Once you're there, leave them alone. If they play, they play. They'll figure it out - or they won't. The first time you try this, it may be a bust. But if you prepare DS ahead of time that mistakes are okay, then the second or the third kid you invite for an outing may strike up a friendship, and then he'll be free and clear to learn how to be a friend from his new friends.

L25

Wed, Sep 04 2019, 12:19 pm

how was he doing socially until now? Is this a sudden thing? Did he have friends before? I think those answers make a difference

amother

Fri, Sep 06 2019, 8:03 am

Thanks for the advice and suggestions.
He often says that he has no friends and has always been a bit challenged socially. He tries too hard to get others to like him, which tends to backfire and perhaps pushes the boys away.

I know that if he would feel better about himself, this would extend to his social interactions. But sometimes I'm at a loss as to how to compensate for things that seem to be lacking.

amother

Tan

Fri, Sep 06 2019, 8:07 am

Before saying anything to the teacher I would invite kids over and supervise his interactions ( from a distance in a way that's not obvious ) so that you can help him make friends. Kids often do better in one on one settings and he can form friendships out of school that will carry over to school.