DH is a bad role model

amother

Fuchsia

Sat, Sep 14 2019, 6:29 pm

amother [ Cobalt ] wrote:

While I wholeheartedly agree with you that each emotionally unstable spouse is not the same, if you step back and look at it, why is an adult lashing against a child and calling her names? In most cases it is to make themselves feel better. Putting someone else down elevates them. When you are dealing with that dynamic, often anything you say to them is going to make them feel small and that is a trigger for them and they usually end up lashing out and exacerbating the situation. I also agree that it is important to stand up for values etc. However from experience I can tell you that you have to chose your battles and most of the time it is best to have those battles away from the children. I have found the best way to deal with situations similar to OP's is to either deflect, I.e. "Oh she's not such a moron, she does so well in school", and then change the topic. Or to use humor and move on. Thats just my two cents after 35 years of experience.

THIS. And also your earlier post, spot on. Exactly my thoughts as to who calls a little girl a moron, someone with a huge self worth deficit and nothing much you can say other than wholehearted agreement, will go over well. Also, Cobalt, just want to say I can only imagine how challenging it must've been to live with an npd dh for so long. Hugs.

amother

Blush

Sat, Sep 14 2019, 8:45 pm

It sounds like the dh was trying to validate the daughter’s point of view that she maybe shouldn’t invite the friend because the friend didn’t invite her. However, he ended up over reacting and responding inappropriately.
I would disagree with him right then and there without being condescending or reprimanding. Say something like, “ you’re saying since Friend didn’t invite DD, DD should definitely not invite friend? Have you considered that it may have been a mistake or there was another reason? I hear you’re point of view , maybe you are right, but I personally wouldn’t go so far as to call the little girl a moron. I guess DD will think about it and make her decision tomorrow.“ This way you are teaching DD how to disagree respectfully.