Dd is in new school no friends yet

amother

Mon, Sep 16 2019, 5:08 pm

My dd is in a new high school. She went with few ppl she knows but seems like she doesn’t have any friends yet. I ask her on Thursday if she will b getting together with any of her new friends and she says no. Every morning she gets nauseous prob from anxiety of walking into new place and x knowing many ppl. Any ways I can help her b more comfortable going to school every morning? And helping her make friends? Yt is coming up and would love if she gets together with some ppl from her high school and not just her elementary friends. Or maybe over chol hamoed we can go to same place as few girls in her class so she can hang with them while we busy with little ones.
It’s bringing back bad memories for me when I was that age. Never rlly had any true friends and I don’t want her going through the same experience as me.

thunderstorm

Mon, Sep 16 2019, 5:23 pm

I didn’t really make new friends until 10th grade. I cried the first month of ninth grade almost daily. My mother didn’t really empathize. It’s nice to see that you care so much. Many high school friends remain friends with their elementary school friends. There’s nothing wrong with that. As the years passed we gravitated to different friends but in ninth grade we were friends with elementary school friends and it was ok.

chestnut

Mon, Sep 16 2019, 6:00 pm

If you're in tri state area, the school just started. It takes time for some kids (it does for mine). Hopefully she'll start making friends. Is she friends with those girls who came from her elementary school?

behappy2

Mon, Sep 16 2019, 6:03 pm

If you're anxious she will be anxious too. You need to be her calming rock! Reassure her that it takes time. Encourage her to approach ppl and talk about the inevitability of rejection. This is a great learning experience!

Rutabaga

Mon, Sep 16 2019, 6:07 pm

It takes time! She's had what, maybe 2 weeks of school? That's barely enough time to learn people's names let alone form lasting friendships. Let her move at her own pace and don't pressure her to do anything she's uncomfortable with like inviting virtual strangers over on Y"T. Maybe encourage her to join school clubs or extracurricular activities so she'll meet girls who share her interests.

Batsheva1

Mon, Sep 16 2019, 6:12 pm

It's awkward for everybody for the first few months of 9th grade. Everybody goes through this. It's normal. It takes time to make new friends. Don't pressure her and don't expect anything till at least November.

shmosmom

Mon, Sep 16 2019, 7:17 pm

behappy2 wrote:

This!

amother

Mon, Sep 16 2019, 9:44 pm

I’m def x showing any anxiousness to her. Just super casual asked twice since she started school bout friends. I kno she only started 1.5 weeks ago but I still feel my heart bleed knowing she has to figure out lunch socializing. I’m def remembering the hard painful times I had in high school so I know it can be more in my head than what she’s feeling. Guess I’ll just have to b rlly relaxed and let everything fall into place naturally without her seeing how anxious I am bout it.

behappy2

Tue, Sep 17 2019, 7:06 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Kids have a way of knowing what we are feeling so instead of putting on a show learn how to get comfortable with the idea of her actually going through the process of making friends. Sending you hugs! I know its hard to see a child in pain.

amother

Emerald

Tue, Sep 17 2019, 9:11 am

really sorry and hope things get better fast

can you offer to take her and some friends old and new out for something like an activity or ice cream? encourage her to invite one new person, as a starting point for getting to know the new girls one by one
can she get closer to the girls she already knows? does she want to? it can help in the beginning and nothing is in stone

will she invite over for a shabbos afternoon? is there a youth group activity she can be a part of? any volunteer work?

can she get to know some new girls at shul? in the neighborhood?

can you invite over any families with girls in her class for a shabbos meal?

you sound like a lovely caring mother -- generally breaking into a class takes time please assume she will succeed (though it makes sense you are triggered, try to put that away and separate from your daughter's experience)

without letting her know and asking the teacher for confidentiality can you call her teacher and ask for some behind the scenes help as in during class and out of class to facilitate her integration -- I would do this

hugs and hatzlocha

erm

Tue, Sep 17 2019, 9:44 am

Friends don't happen in a week, especially in high school, where many of the girls already have their friends from before. It takes time to build relationships with others. Don't let your past experiences and insecurities affect your child. The worst thing your daughter could do is look desperate for friends. That never works.

amother

Navy

Tue, Sep 17 2019, 10:14 am

I went to a new school in Manhattan from seventh grade and didn't know a soul. Some of the girls had gone to schools together so they had their friends.

It was very hard the first few weeks but I know that in a week o or so I had found a few girls that I became lunch buddies with etc and that I had found my "friends" in a month or so.

The transition is hard but for me the whole transitional experience from elementary school was hard so it's difficult to single out friends as specifically stressful. I was adjusting to commuting; adjusting to changing classes for each subject; adjusting to a much heavier homework load; adjusting to being with girls who were all intellectually on my level. I went to walking home from school in the neighborhood with very little academic stress to commuting to a school that emphasized rigorous academics as well as being with girls who had very different experiences as they came from all over NYC.

Relax - it all works out because when I think back to high school, the actual friends I made there were among the best of my experiences even though I knew not a soul when I entered and there wasn't even anyone from my neighborhood that was going there.

chocolover

Tue, Sep 17 2019, 11:12 am

I hated when my mother kept asking me in 9th grade who I'm friends with, when I am getting together etc., I had friends that I schmoozed with in school but I didn't make my close friends until 10th grade. Maybe ease off on the pressure a little, I'm sure she will figure things out on her own soon enough. 9th grade is a ton of pressure without feeling stupid that you didn't get together with friends yet IMO.

groovy1224

Tue, Sep 17 2019, 11:21 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Twice in a week and a half is kind of asking to many times IMO. It makes it sound like you are indeed anxious about it. Trust me, you don't have to remind her to make friends, it's on her mind already.

I agree with the other posters, it just takes time. Maybe one day someone will ask to look at her notes, and they'll start talking, etc. I know it's hard because everyone wants to know their child is happy and thriving but don't sweat it yet.

perquacky

Tue, Sep 17 2019, 1:40 pm

I wish I knew which school your daughter was in. My dd also started HS this year with a few girls she knows, and I worry about her making new friends every day. But she's made it clear she doesn't want me to ask her about it, so I'm learning to hold my tongue. But oh, it's so hard.