Bringing food, why does it bother me?

amother

Fri, Sep 27 2019, 8:42 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Thank you everybody and wow, I did not expect to get so many comments.

For all who said, just get over it, it's only salads, yeah, I know. I did get over it, I wasn't harping on it. I was asking why it might bother me and did get answers.

I am not a food snob and while I have my menu, it's not even cut up properly. Two of the salads she got are two that I'm making, but I'm making them anyway.

She happens to be passive aggressive, but I do know she was doing it to be nice. Giving is her love language. I know why she did it.

No, I don't have much room in my refrigerator, but that's more frustrating then being upset.

I wanted to add, not specifically because it's rosh hashana, but like I tell my kids being angry is one thing, but how you react is another. If I know why it bothers me, I'm able to get over it. The reason for me asking for help.

amother

Powderblue

Fri, Sep 27 2019, 10:49 am

I don't know what your relationship is like overall with your mil, but in general, I think mothers of boys get a raw deal. The wife is usually the hostess and gatekeeper for visits. So even though the mil raised her son, the relationship doesn't have the same level of ease as the mother of the wife. The girl's mother gets to visit when she wants, bring what she wants, call or not call, have an argument and make up....she's always welcome. The boy's side has to tread very carefully. It's not fair and makes me angry. (I'm not a mother in law by the way, this is just stuff I've witnessed in my family).

Just think about what you're doing. You're preparing a meal for Rosh Hashana. What's the point of this yom tov? Not the food certainly.
If you're a mother of a boy, you'll be a mil one day. Think of how you want to be treated.

dankbar

Fri, Sep 27 2019, 12:10 pm

If you said you were cooking for a month & everything was ready & here she comes with stuff, then I understand that you would feel like, what does she think, I won't have enough food or I don't know know how to cook? ( well enough?)
you were saying though, that you just drew up your menu & got the ingredients & want to cook everything on your menu. This changes things because now you know, what actually not to make. It saves you the time.
I think to go ahead now & actually make those exact salads she brought, will be a bit disrespectful to her as this point.
Your mil wants to be nice, and not come emptyhanded & help you out. It's a talent to accept graciously. Some people have a hard time doing that. We all rather want to be on the giving end rather than on receiving end. Feels better for sure. Thing is if you don't accept gifts graciously, you might not get any anymore ( like if you comment to her instead of thanking nicely) Now it is not something that you want/need but another time it might be something worthwhile.
Some people don't like to receive from other people, from the goodness of their heart, like why did the other person have to go through the bother or spend the money. Thing is comments like that don't come through as caring, but rather like feeling ungrateful. Also some people feel inadequate, when receiving such gifts, that might come from one's own insecurity.
I know from myself if I bring a hostess a gift & get silly comments, it doesn't feel too good.
One time, I stayed by someone to sleep over shabbos for a family simcha, where the baal simcha set up the arrangement. I came before shabbos with some flowers, cake, fruit. She was annoyed, now they have to put it into a vase before shabbos. Now I will need to eat up this cake & fruit because she can't eat that much. Why did you need to bring anything? She wanted to convey the message that she is not hosting for the gift just from the goodness of her heart to do hachnosos orchim/chesed so gift isn't necessary, but it's the way you say it that gives off vibes.
You can thank & say wow, thank you, it's so nice of you, wasn't necessary but really appreciated anyway, that is the nice way!

amother

Floralwhite

Fri, Sep 27 2019, 12:19 pm

Yes, it would bother me too. BUT, realistically that's because when I host I consider it my thing to present all the meals at my best etc...BUT I know, that there are different types of people and she didn't ask likely Because you would have said, no don't help, but because she invited herself wants to show you love and care and help, so someone said to her why don't you.....its such a help for me when someone does that... all intentions and feelings were purely love & care, please do yourself a favor and accept that. I think its a great idea to use it erev as food for all the hungry people. Or seudat shlishit to give yourself a break.