Zochreinu lechaim- did I really want chaim? ??

amother

Pumpkin

Wed, Oct 02 2019, 5:40 pm

amother [ Taupe ] wrote:

It is the day after RH and my husband who is a big inspirational Rav, who gave inspiring speeches on RH, who is beloved and venerated a rebbe in a Yeshiva is screaming at me because I bought the wrong orange juice and bagels to break our fast on. I really don't want to live anymore. But then I think, why do I have to die? I didn't do anything. But I don't see any other way.

You didnt do anything wrong. There is nothing wrong with you . Dont let your husband speak to you in that way . Tell him to buy his own bagels and orange juice if he isnt happy with what you purchased . You can then tell him to practice what he preaches. Is there a rav that he is close to? Maybe you can speak to that rav and tell him how your husband is treating you .

amother

Taupe

Wed, Oct 02 2019, 6:06 pm

I wish it were that simple. He twists everything I say. The line about practicing what he preaches never works - he says that I am the phony. He says something hurtful and denies it two seconds later. I feel as if I am losing my mind. He has me convinced that I am in the wrong. I'm the only wife who doesn't do what her husband wants - like buy him the correct bagels and orange juice. As for asking a Rav he is close to - I once tried that and the Rav said to me - why don't you just speak to your husband - he's so calm and reasonable. That is not the only bad experience I've had with a Rav. I have given up on them. Do they realize how much guts it took me to approach them in the first place? No one would ever believe me. He would make me out to be the crazy one.
I literally feel like an empty shell of a person, just going through the motions of life. I am so done. I am ready to check out - the only thing stopping me is my kids.

Goldy6

Thu, Oct 03 2019, 4:36 am

Taupe, when you say you're ready to check out, what do you mean? From your marriage? or from life? I don't know all of the details but just from the snippet this sounds abusive. If you PM me I can try to get you a name of a therapist who might be able to help. You don't have to suffer through this alone.

amother

Denim

Sun, Aug 30 2020, 9:13 pm

I wasn’t here last year but I’ll share my experience. In 12th grade, I begged Hashem to die. I was extremely depressed and wanted everything to be over. After yt I wrote a poem about the irony of saying words in davening to live and in my head saying please let me die. In seminary, I wanted a fresh start, j wasn’t sure if I wanted to live or die but I wanted something to change and wrote a poem about asking Hashem to help me try. I kept that poem along with the one from the year before in the back of my machzor and that kept me going through yt. I ended up with a lot of siyata dishmaya that year.
It’s now a few years later and my life is so different, I find it hard to imagine wanting to die. Bh I have the best husband and am expecting my first child.
I don’t know why Hashem decided to let us live or die, but I’m happy he didn’t give up on me when I had given up on myself.
Wishing you all a great yom tov and Hashem should guide you and you should feel his guidance this year.

amother

Jade

Sat, Oct 01 2022, 6:41 pm

amother Jade wrote:

As I was davening on yom tov zichreinu lechaim my thought went back to Rosh hashono of 2 years ago.
2 years ago and for many years before my life was very challenging and when it came to the words of Hashem remembering us for a good life and to live I kept asking myself " do I really want to live? What for? For such a life???"
I got divorced just over a year ago and so this was my second Rosh hashono where I can actually feel and ask for zochreini lechaim. I feel so much more at peace b"h.

Am just wondering whether others can relate to this? Questioning the things we ask H" for....

Another rosh hashono has passed and I'm celebrating yet again b"h the change in me, wanting chaim.

I dont think I'll ever forget the times then I was doubting and struggled to say zochreinu l'chaim