Home
Log in / Sign Up
    Private Messages   Advanced Search   Rules   New User Guide   FAQ   Advertise   Contact Us  
Forum -> Parenting our children
Its not come to be as I imagined



Post new topic   Reply to topic View latest: 24h 48h 72h

amother
OP


 

Post Wed, Oct 23 2019, 2:44 am
Im wondering if anyone else is in the same boat as I that imagination hasnt won.

I have very bad experiences and memories from the place I grew up and as a kid I was the type of kid that had my imaginations already set in ,the way and what type of house I will create, I wanted a different cut out for my family then from where I came, since I never was happy or liked the way I was raised, I knew I wanted a certain type guy , I knew what style I wanted for my house once im married! NOW

"ALL THAT HASNT HAPPENED" my imagination was a nice dream!

My parents made my shiddoch , they decided who was good for me, im not going to go into details but my shiddoch happened not the typical way or atleast not how todays generation would do .

I was a miserable kalla , young , kept everything inside myself, got married, became pregnant like 4 months after, next year another baby, I felt like I never had the time, chance, or sense rather to discuss with dh what schools, type of family I wanted, I just followed along according the community and chassidus. (I was young then when I became engaged )and I guess it didnt bother me as much then, but now when I do have my kids and c as me to the realization that ops my kids are like daddy, more chassidish,
U guys dont get me wrong , chassidus is great , I just have my trauma so its something about me.

My kids were still young by then when I made a big change in my life , moved away, switched kids to different moisdes , and somehow I feel that my dream I had when I was younger about how I will create
my house JUST HASNT HAPPENED!

My dh is a great man , has a billion good parts bh but he is not the style person I imagined I will ever marry,
my kids started off where my dh lived as a kid . (Very chassidish cheider now my dc are much older) little later I switched them but my kids have a very strong desire to chassidis and their own way dresscode.
I wasnt @ all interested to create this style family and it makes me sad that my dc and dh are not the way I thought ... yet, dh as I said is a great guy in more ways then not, kids are doing good bh , and mom goes around with her past baggage.
I keep thinking to myself how much pride there is , what a good dh I married into and I need to look away from the part that my family goes a path I havnt imagined it be.

Please need chizik , I know its my problem but im stuck and I wanna love my kids the way they are , dc are happy with their way they dont wanna follow moms way . Im frum person but like and would want more litvish or chabad style ,my dh is chassidish style , my dh is open minded and very normal, like not crazy religious with chasidis but not anti either, my family turned into already a certain way.
when I moved away my kids took hard the change, they were comfortable in that place , so could be because I stared off where I did my dc got used to that way and they weren't 6interested in too many changes, still bothers me that thats why my dc are the way my dh is. like his background, I always wonder how other families dc are all following moms with moms style and by me my dc always want to be opposite then what I want for them.
Chizik , chizik, chizik only needed !
Back to top

amother
Mustard


 

Post Wed, Oct 23 2019, 2:54 am
What destroys us us most in life is the picture in our head of how it is supposed to be.

Take the time to appreciate your beautiful family and wonderful, kind and caring dh.

Sit down every day and write - TY Hashem!

The way your life is now is the way Hashem decreed for it to be! It should've or could've been no different than it is today.

If Hashem willed it to be this way, then nothing you said or did or your parents said or did could've changed your reality. Your mother did not decide your life for you. Hashem did.
Back to top

amother
Blue


 

Post Wed, Oct 23 2019, 2:54 am
Hugs!

That sounds really hard, OP. I think you should find someone sympathetic and wise IRL, who can help you. Your feelings are completely valid and you deserve support with this.

Hatzlocho Smile
Back to top

amother
Scarlet


 

Post Wed, Oct 23 2019, 3:18 am
Hugs, OP. It's not easy.
Is it possible that you'll have more children, and that you'll have a nice mixture of all types? My family is like that, and we're all very different, but all very close. Same goes for my parents' families (ranging from ultra chassidish to not frum and many stages in between.)
Many parents of these types of families end up having lots of nachas from their 'mixed bag'.
Back to top

amother
OP


 

Post Wed, Oct 23 2019, 3:46 am
amother [ Scarlet ] wrote:
Hugs, OP. It's not easy.
Is it possible that you'll have more children, and that you'll have a nice mixture of all types? My family is like that, and we're all very different, but all very close. Same goes for my parents' families (ranging from ultra chassidish to not frum and many stages in between.)
Many parents of these types of families end up having lots of nachas from their 'mixed bag'.


As its now , I can tell my family will be of a nice mixture of all types . I do daven for erlich kids and they should grow in their yiddishkiet , and I do daven that I should become happy with what is and let the past go, its really not healthy for me to hold on , I have precious kids and a ton to be thankful for . Gourges, talented, amazing kids! and here comes mom regrets why her past believes didn't come true. Of course hashem wanted this , he wanted me to grow more, my kids are very innocent kids, I can tell they are special neshumes, they have certain innocence that is unreal, I need to heal and make piece and love the way it ended because yea, my attitude does and can affect my kids. I always try to hide my sadness and always hope they dont pick up whats inside of me ," then im in real bad shape"
Yea, true . I would want to lead a different path or style , but it makes me think who said it woulve been better, hope I will come to realize that this huge bother is a waste!
Back to top

amother
Royalblue


 

Post Wed, Oct 23 2019, 7:40 am
does it help to remind yourself that it is all a package deal?
that one cannot cherrypick factors and have the same outcome?

that if you had somehow taken a different path things would be different all around and not only in the ways you might think you want?

as you frame it your certain path lead you to have a wonderful DH and your innocent gorgeous erliche children B"H

hugs and hatzlocha
Back to top

amother
Teal


 

Post Wed, Oct 23 2019, 7:47 am
Many people have a way they've imagined things will be. Most often it's just that, imaginings. It doesn't usually come true. Whether it's because it's unrealistic or life gave them a different deck of cards or other reasons. For me, the best thing to do is to accept the reality. Realize which parts are in my control that I can do something about and which I just need to be grateful for and to accept. You sound like a thought out and caring person who only wants what is best for your family, right now that seems to be keeping them where they are happy and settled. Sometimes thinking 'if things turn out the way I'm afraid they will, what is the worst that will happen? What am I really afraid of?' helps me to overcome a fear or frustration. You sound grateful for the positives you have. Keep focusing on that and give your family the gift of acceptance. Realize that if your family was the way you imagined it doesn't mean there wouldn't be challenges or things that bother you in other ways. Good for you for being aware of what is bothering you and wanting what is best for your family. Hashem should help you find peace over it!!
Back to top

imasinger




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Oct 23 2019, 8:01 am
This is the reality of olam hazeh.

Not a single person has the life they imagined and planned for. Not me. Not you. Not your parents, your DH, your friends, your mentors, bosses, teachers.

Nobody.

It can help to keep a gratitude journal. Even for someone as aware as you are about the many brachos in your life, it's helpful.

It can also be helpful to think about the flaws in that imagined life. "If I had a DH who did X, maybe he wouldn't be the kind of guy who does Y, which was such a pleasant surprise about my DH." "If my kids behaved like A, maybe I wouldn't have kids with such wonderful B."

Remind yourself that the reality is better than your youthful dreams, and that the Eibishter has it all planned out.

For extra credit, see if you can find something to be grateful for even in the things that bother you. There are two sides to every coin.
Back to top

daagahminayin




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Oct 23 2019, 8:08 am
Hugs OP. You were denied control over important choices at a crucial point in your life and the way things turned out is a constant reminder of that. So even though you can see the good in your family and you love them, they remind you of how your basic autonomy was taken from you, and that’s got to be incredibly painful. Most of us take for granted that we will be able to choose the type of person we marry, and you did not have that opportunity. I’m so sorry.

Maybe it would help to work through the pain and anger you carry from when you first got married (perhaps with a therapist). Once you are healing your emotional wounds from this time it might be a lot easier to freely love and accept your family as they are.
Back to top
Page 1 of 1 Recent Topics




Post new topic   Reply to topic    Forum -> Parenting our children