School refusal | Imamother

amother

Wed, Oct 23 2019, 12:18 am

My 10 y.o DD has decided all of sudden that she is not going to go back to school after the holidays. I believe it's anxiety related to a new school and just anxiety in general rearing it's head during pre-pubescent period. (It runs in the family).

We just established with a psychotherapist last week for anxiety but the school refusal wasn't even an issue at the time. Now that returning from the chagim is at hand, she suddenly developed this.

Tips, success stories? She is very distraught.

DrMom

Wed, Oct 23 2019, 12:29 am

Is there some specific issue that is bothering your daughter?

A teacher who picks on her?
Bullying from other kids?
Gross bathrooms?
Scratchy school uniforms?

Without a specific reason, it seems difficult to know how to reason with her.

amother

Wed, Oct 23 2019, 12:32 am

She says the she doesn't like the english studies because her teacher is vague and she can't understand the math (she was previously a good math student). Also, she doesn't feel she fits in with the class.

FranticFrummie

Wed, Oct 23 2019, 1:22 am

I went through years of this with DD. She's currently a full year behind in credits, and will have to repeat her senior year of high school in order to graduate.

You are going to have to deal with a top professional to help her work through this. She is not "just being stubborn", she's not trying to slack off, and she's not being a bad kid.

Believe me, she would love to have lots of friends, and enjoy her classes if she could! Not being able to just makes her feel even worse.

Please get her into regular therapy ASAP, because the longer it goes on, the worse it gets.

I wish I had known all of this when DD was younger. Her school refusal and anxiety started when she was only in first grade, and I didn't understand anything at the time. We had SO many fights over the years, and it didn't have to be that way.

BTW, she's in a good school now, and as she's matured and has goals she's really applying herself and wanting to get all of her credits caught up as fast as possible. She's even taking of extra assignments just for the credits. (But she still hates math!)

DrMom

Wed, Oct 23 2019, 1:47 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Starting a new school can be a big adjustment. Sometimes it takes a few weeks to get one's bearings. But it's important that your daughter learn how to cope with new situations.

It's helpful that she gave you specifics. Have you tried to address her concerns one by one?

- English teacher vague: What does this mean?
Vague about homework assignments? Do other students share this opinion? Perhaps someone could ask the teacher to list the HW on the board at the end of class so students can copy it down.

- Can't understand the math: Can you help her with the math? What are they studying? Maybe there's just one or two simple concepts that are giving her trouble. She's only been in this grade for what, a month? She can't be that far behind.

- Doesn't fit in with the class: In what way? Does she have at least 1-2 friends? Can you have her invite a friend over to play?

amother

Wed, Oct 23 2019, 9:30 am

It’s common for kids who are refusing school to start after a long break.

She is making threatening gestures all of a sudden. She just feels there is no alternative if we insist she go to school. The anxiety is overwhelming.

I’m in shock.

STMommy

Wed, Oct 23 2019, 12:53 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

please have emergency numbers ready, just in case (number and address of local psychiatric emergency room, mobile crisis unit number, crisis hotline, emergency services a.k.a. 911 in US) etc

behappy2

Wed, Oct 23 2019, 3:40 pm

When I had this with my son I btibed him with toys or candy because nothing else worked. Try to work through each issue seperately. Maybe send her something exciting so the kids will be interested in playing with her. Talk to her teachers. The quicker she is back in school the better.

amother

Hotpink

Wed, Oct 23 2019, 3:53 pm

Back to PANDAS again...she checks off some symptoms just by school refusal and backsliding in math...(and when you add in sudden violent gestures...)
This is neurological...
Please swab her for strep, test her for Lyme etc...
And search imamother.com for more information or pandasnetwork.org
In my experience, psychological and psychiatric help didn't help till we treated the pandas.

amother

Pewter

Wed, Oct 23 2019, 5:58 pm

First, investigate every possible thing that could be harming her at school. Some children are abused at school and are conditioned to blame themselves or be ashamed to tell their parents.