5yo DS always complaining

amother

Thu, Oct 24 2019, 4:44 am

My 5 yo DS is always complaining and whinging about pretty much everything.

He gets frustrated very easily, for simple things like getting his foot caught in his pants while dressing, a snack not being as easy as he thought to open or dropping a small piece of food from his plate.

He is also very impatient, for example if he can't find something he's looking for or if he asks for a drink and I say I'll get it in 2 mins after I finish putting the vegetables in the pan, he immediately starts whining that I'm not getting it.

When he starts complaining, he really overreacts and uses a whining voice that is difficult to understand. He then gets even more frustrated because we can't understand what he's saying.

I try to be very patient with him, but I don't know how else to help him react more appropriately to things. I say thing like "oh dear, it's annoying when you drop a piece of food but don't worry, we can get you some more" but he seems to find it difficult to get out of the mindset.

Lately, he has been getting more angry about things. He asked to play with a particular toy when it was already time to go to bed. I told him we could play with it Tomorrow and he said "I'll hit you if you don't get it for me!" I told him I knew he was sad not to have the toy today but we don't hit people. He replied that we do, thought about it for a few seconds, then proceeded to hit me twice. He then said "OK, now get it!"

Obviously this is not appropriate behaviour but I dn't know how to deal with it. I don't hit him by the way so he has not learnt it from me.

amother

Denim

Thu, Oct 24 2019, 5:00 am

This may be unpopular nowadays, but in my opinion the kids that are getting all this validation for whining are only being encouraged to continue.

I say things like- I do not understand when you cry/whine. I'm ready to hear you when you can speak nicely and clearly. And it may take them a few times/tries until they can get their voice to a totally normal voice. I start that at age 1-2 in a simple 'we need to ask nicely' and right away respond when the toddler asks nicely and not give things when they are not asked for 'nicely'.

Hitting a mother? Absolutely not ok, and a 5 year old is old enough to understand consequences. "It is not ok to hit mommy to get a toy. You lost your chance of playing with it tomorrow like I offered before, if I see you behaving tomorrow you will get to play with it on Friday"

No, I never hit my kids either, but I have very clear boundaries and some things just don't pass.

amother

Thu, Oct 24 2019, 5:45 am

Yummymummy3 wrote:

After DS smacks you twice for that toy then does he get it?

I must have written my post very unclearly if you have to ask, but no of course not.

amother wrote:

This may be unpopular nowadays, but in my opinion the kids that are getting all this validation for whining are only being encouraged to continue.

All what validation?

amother wrote:

say things like- do not understand when you cry/whine. I'm ready to hear you when you can speak nicely and clearly.

I say exactly that when he is trying to say something. Often he is not actually trying to speak, he is just saying "uuugggghhhh!!" and similar when he's frustrated with something. He gets more and more annoyed when I tell him I can't understand him when he speaks like that.

amother wrote:

Hitting a mother? Absolutely not ok, and a 5 year old is old enough to understand consequences. "It is not ok to hit mommy to get a toy. You lost your chance of playing with it tomorrow like offered before, if see you behaving tomorrow you will get to play with it on Friday"

No, never hit my kids either, but have very clear boundaries and some things just don't pass.

Are you suggesting I don't have clear boundries? I am certainly not letting it pass, but what I'm doing doesn't seem to be working right now.

I did tell him he can't play with it tomorrow after hitting me, although I usually like to give a warning before handng out the sanction. This only happened last night so I don't know how it will play out today and Tomorrow but my guess is that he won't even think about that toy in the next couple of days. It only became a MUST DO after I said he can't play with it.

amother

cornflower

Thu, Oct 24 2019, 7:23 am

From the start (when they were 2 year old) I told my kids, "I don't understand you when you whine. Please speak clearly."

I also request that the child ask for things nicely, ie if D.C. says "I want cheese right now!" I'll say, "please ask nicely." Dc will say, "please can you give me cheese?" And I'll make an effort to respond to the nicely phrased request as soon as I can. (If I'm unable to and whining continues, I ignore the whining.)

I also say, "thank you for asking nicely!" And I try to show that it's much more pleasant for me to hear nice words than whining. If dc asks nicely on his or her own, I try to respond right away and point out, "you asked so nicely! I'm so happy to help you out right away!"

FranticFrummie

Thu, Oct 24 2019, 7:33 am

My DD was a really difficult kid between 5 and 6. She had many recurring strep infections because it was getting passed around all year in kindergarten.

Over the summer she got her tonsils and adenoids out, and she was literally a different child within 48 hours. She went back to her sweet, sunny, affectionate self, like magic.

Get DS to an ENT and have him checked out for tonsils, get cultured for strep, and ears checked all at the same time.

If everything is OK physically, then you need to work on getting a parenting coach and child behaviorist involved. The last thing you want this to be is a power struggle.