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Forum -> Pregnancy & Childbirth -> Baby Names
Family has a say in baby names?
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amother
Jade


 

Post Mon, Oct 28 2019, 10:14 pm
amother [ Denim ] wrote:
It is natural to WANT.
It is NOT natural to ask, or worse, expect.

I named my daughter after my grandmother. Not the first one I had, but when it was the right name at the right time.

I would rather my children not name after me than have them do so resentfully.


Yes it is natural. It is part of every culture. It part of all humanity. It is not just a jewish thing. In some cultures you give a name while parent is alive. In fact I have sefardi friends who were named after a living grandmother( not all עדות מזרח hold like this)
But wise parents also know when to take a step back.
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amother
Jade


 

Post Mon, Oct 28 2019, 10:24 pm
amother [ Bronze ] wrote:
Ummm no. My kids are not named after grandparents but there is a very specific reason I chose each name and I am proud to share the reasoning with them. Do you think people just pull names out of a hat? My kids are very proud of their names and who cares if it doesn't come with a picture?

So you are starting a new tradition. But you do not have a continuation. That is my point.
And yes some ( not all ) people pull names out of a hat. I know this for a fact.
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amother
Denim


 

Post Mon, Oct 28 2019, 10:29 pm
amother [ Cerulean ] wrote:
but that's the point. it shouldn't have to be done resentfully.

It is not natural to ask? uh It is very natural to ask. what is not ok is to create a fight and ruin the simcha no. but very very normal to ask. the answer will either be yes or no and at that point the grandparents accept whatever their kids decide.
you know how many parents are afraid to even ask because they know their kids will throw a royal fit? THAT is what is not natural IMO.
Its like parents are afraid of their kids these days instead of the other way around. but I guess I shouldnt be surprised. Parents are also afraid of their 8 and 10 year olds.

If you never mentioned that Bubby Faigy's name is Tzipporah Faiga, yes, you might want to say something.

But otherwise, I think most kids consider family names on their own, without their parents needing to ask. It creates an uncomfortable situation if you need to now weigh your parents' disappointment against your chosen name.
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amother
Aqua


 

Post Mon, Oct 28 2019, 10:36 pm
When I do genealogy it is really beautiful when its a tree of repetitive names. However noone wants to name their baby after someone who was mean and nasty or comfort someone who is currently being very hurtful. The grandmother doesn't sound as bad from your description.
I used a name but had the tanach role model as the intention in mind.
I wonder though, younger generation people please weigh in. If parents mentioned only once during pregnancy by the way I just want to mention these are the names from our family that could be options if you want. Would that be bad? If its the inlaws, would that be bad? Or are we just resenting the really bad ones who aren't seeming that uncommon?
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amother
Denim


 

Post Mon, Oct 28 2019, 10:50 pm
amother [ Aqua ] wrote:
When I do genealogy it is really beautiful when its a tree of repetitive names. However noone wants to name their baby after someone who was mean and nasty or comfort someone who is currently being very hurtful. The grandmother doesn't sound as bad from your description.
I used a name but had the tanach role model as the intention in mind.
I wonder though, younger generation people please weigh in. If parents mentioned only once during pregnancy by the way I just want to mention these are the names from our family that could be options if you want. Would that be bad? If its the inlaws, would that be bad? Or are we just resenting the really bad ones who aren't seeming that uncommon?

Mentioned or asked?
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amother
Aqua


 

Post Mon, Oct 28 2019, 10:58 pm
amother [ Denim ] wrote:
Mentioned or asked?


Mentioned, not ask
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amother
Bronze


 

Post Mon, Oct 28 2019, 11:11 pm
amother [ Aqua ] wrote:
When I do genealogy it is really beautiful when its a tree of repetitive names. However noone wants to name their baby after someone who was mean and nasty or comfort someone who is currently being very hurtful. The grandmother doesn't sound as bad from your description.
I used a name but had the tanach role model as the intention in mind.
I wonder though, younger generation people please weigh in. If parents mentioned only once during pregnancy by the way I just want to mention these are the names from our family that could be options if you want. Would that be bad? If its the inlaws, would that be bad? Or are we just resenting the really bad ones who aren't seeming that uncommon?


If parents mentioned I have a list of family names if you are interested in looking and the kid knows it's ok to refuse then it's probably not an issue. But married kids are adults, they know they have ancestors and they know who has the list of names, so technically it comes as off pushy.
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amother
Coffee


 

Post Tue, Oct 29 2019, 12:51 am
We got a horrible diagnosis when I was pregnant with DD. (Basically told that the chances of her having cognitive abilities were very very low) my grandmother had passed away a few months before and I wanted to name for her. It was me who asked my father if he would be ok if I used the name. I didn’t know if he would want me to because of the diagnosis. My father said of course he would be happy if I named it, regardless of what my child’s mental abilities were.
P.S. my child is an adorable 2 year old with a few medical issues but 100% cognitively fine and brings much nachas to her grandfather running around with her great grandmothers name Smile
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little neshamala




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Oct 29 2019, 1:03 am
amother [ Jade ] wrote:
Scene1: child asks “ who was I named after?”
Parent answers “ no one, we just chose a random name”
Child: oh
Scene 2: child- who was I named after?
Parent- great grandfather so and so
Child- where did he live? Did you know him?
Parent gives info and discussion continues
Child- do you have pics?
Parent- yes, here
I know who I was named after. What their middos were what was special about them.
We all agree that if the name brings negativity with it then leave it alone. But naming after family members is important and not always this horrible thing that many are saying.


This is ridiculous. A lot of thought went into my childrens" beautiful names. A lot. We did not just choose a random name like drawing a lotto.
Somehow, by some sheer miracle, my children are aware of the names and unique qualities of their deceased relatives. Just because we didnt name after them doesn't mean we never mention them!!
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amother
Slateblue


 

Post Tue, Oct 29 2019, 4:02 am
Family has no say. I'm a grandmother and never said a word to my kids about what names to use. Never hinted, nothing. Their children are theirs to name as they please (and, of course, to raise as they please).

That said, naming a child for a grandparent is one of the few things that only a child can do for a parent. So if the name isn't horrible and doesn't come with terrible associations, try to use it. You're showing kindness and respect in a unique way.

If you are dealing with parents who don't know appropriate boundaries, however, all bets are off. Do what you need to do.
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amother
Violet


 

Post Tue, Oct 29 2019, 6:52 am
Hugs
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amother
Ginger


 

Post Tue, Oct 29 2019, 7:21 am
Op, you might want to join the group "Growing Up With Severely Abusive Parents."

I relate to so much of what you write, and so can most of us on the group.

Hugs! Wishing you strength.
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amother
Aubergine


 

Post Tue, Oct 29 2019, 10:02 am
amother [ Ginger ] wrote:
Op, you might want to join the group "Growing Up With Severely Abusive Parents."

I relate to so much of what you write, and so can most of us on the group.

Hugs! Wishing you strength.


Yes, this.
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amother
Amber


 

Post Tue, Oct 29 2019, 10:49 am
Read your response Op and my heart really goes out to you.
Yes speak to a rav but do give him this full story.
I hope you and your family continue to have much hatzlocha in happiness and health.
Keep doing what is right -- you can have a line ready like "DH and I discussed this and this is what we decided." Rinse and repeat.
hugs and hatzlocha
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amother
Khaki


 

Post Tue, Oct 29 2019, 11:16 am
amother [ Aqua ] wrote:
Mentioned, not ask

My parents did this and I thought it was perfect. They told me they will be happy with any name I choose and if I want they will email a family tree so can have all the options. It was very calm with zero expectations. One of my siblings actually had a baby immediately following the death of a grandparent and my parent in the middle of shiva was worried that my sibling should know that they have no obligation to use the grandparents name.
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allthingsblue




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Oct 29 2019, 11:17 am
amother [ Khaki ] wrote:
My parents did this and I thought it was perfect. They told me they will be happy with any name I choose and if I want they will email a family tree so can have all the options. It was very calm with zero expectations. One of my siblings actually had a baby immediately following the death of a grandparent and my parent in the middle of shiva was worried that my sibling should know that they have no obligation to use the grandparents name.


Your parents seem kind and thoughtful, ideal parents/in laws/ grandparents.
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amother
Brunette


 

Post Thu, Feb 06 2020, 12:12 am
Growing up my parents had always discussed the names of various family members so when it was time for me to name my first child I knew several of the family names available and personally felt that having family names to use made picking the name a lot easier than having no names to choose from.... which happened after we ran out of family names.

Not every name available did we like or were willing or able to use. As much as I wanted to make my parents happy when giving the name I knew that as my grandparents had died young some hold add a name and my fathers Rabbi had told him when he named me and my siblings one name and one name only.

Unsure of how to please everyone in the situation me and my husband sat down with my parents and said if you want us to give any names for family members then we are going to call our rabbi together and what ever he says is what we will do.

We were told to add a name for each grandparent that died young.
We were also told that changing the name from Yiddish to Hebrew counts as naming after the person. As my parents were present during the conversation with the rabbi they ended up okay with our decisions.

The rabbi was also very clear that we the parents should not give a family name we didnt like just to make the parents happy as it can have a negative influence on the parents relationship with the child.

We told my mother in law the same thing and explained to her what the rabbi had said and sometimes shell agree that my children who we gave the hebrew version of the name instead of Yiddish is named for her relatives and sometimes shell say that version just wasnt their name. As the children we try to please the parents and it is very hurtful when after speaking with them and coming to a mutual agreement they later on get upset. Of course we had spoken with her before giving the name and she was okay with the hebrew version vs nothing yet sometimes no matter what children do it will never be enough.
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graphic613




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Feb 06 2020, 12:15 am
The Ruach hakodesh goes to the baby's parents AND NOT TO THE GRANDPARENTS OR ANYONE ELSE!!!!!
You name that child whatever you want and nobody gets to tell you that you cannot!!!
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amother
Pumpkin


 

Post Thu, Feb 06 2020, 12:18 am
amother [ Coffee ] wrote:
We got a horrible diagnosis when I was pregnant with DD. (Basically told that the chances of her having cognitive abilities were very very low) my grandmother had passed away a few months before and I wanted to name for her. It was me who asked my father if he would be ok if I used the name. I didn’t know if he would want me to because of the diagnosis. My father said of course he would be happy if I named it, regardless of what my child’s mental abilities were.
P.S. my child is an adorable 2 year old with a few medical issues but 100% cognitively fine and brings much nachas to her grandfather running around with her great grandmothers name Smile


This made me cry!!! We had a scare during my pregnancy and I kept wondering what I would do. (Bh everything was fine)
I know somebody who has a couple of disabilites and was named after a relative and then afterward nobody in theat family wanted to use that name becahse the disabled girl has that name. And I was quite mad whwn I heard that so hearing this is just beautiful!!
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amother
Red


 

Post Thu, Feb 06 2020, 12:24 am
Rav Moshe Weinberger has a series of lectures on naming babies. I highly recommend you listen to them. I listened to them when I was in a similar quandary and it helped me so much.

http://www.ravweinberger.com/s......html

I hope you can keep your eye on the goal to bring another neshama into this world without worrying about interference from your parents or anyone else regarding what to name your child. Hatzlacha!
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