Should I just accept what is and be easy ?

camp123

Tue, Oct 29 2019, 12:40 am

It is not OK to smoke in your house! You're allowed to have rules that you stick to. But, in all cases like this it depends on where your relationship is holding and the baggage that you have together. No one who hasn't met your son can tell you how to deal with it. You need to find someone irl to speak to. But in the meantime start looking for another yeshiva.. Maybe one that stresses becoming a mentch.

amother

Tue, Oct 29 2019, 7:55 am

FranticFrummie wrote:

Please remind him that not smoking in the house is part of "honor your mother and father."

What does DH think about all of this? Does he say anything when he comes home to a house that smells like smoke? Does he say anything to DS about it, and try to enforce the rules?

We both keep bringing it up to him. He does it basically in only one area in the house, (downstairs) yet but still leaves a strong smell in other areas . Yea, we decided this is something we will have to be strict and firm about.

amother

Silver

Tue, Oct 29 2019, 8:08 am

it can be a big renegotiation of dynamics and boundaries when your oldest hits the teens, especially I fall is not going smoothly. You sound very thoughtful. And aware of picking and choosing what to focus on.
I would make not smoking in the house a non negotiable -- this is a very common rule in most if not all homes for everyone. And a good lesson on many levels in and of itself.
I would focus on the big picture, that he needs a yeshivah (or some other productive way) to structure his days, life, and occupy him productively, and help him get to that environment right for him.

It is a really ongoing balancing act to determine what to accept and let go of and what to hold firm on. I would look for excellent frum parenting mentors to help navigate this stage with concrete examples, knowledge of context, and the like.

hugs and hatzlocha

amother

Tue, Oct 29 2019, 8:14 am

amother [ Silver ] wrote:

Thany you, with the yashiva situation im helping him immensely. He really has my support which keeps out relationships strong since he does appreciate my input. Ive spoke to professional do claim thst some teens rebel in much worse ways then smoking... so dont know anymore. ..

amother

Silver

Tue, Oct 29 2019, 9:16 am

Glad if I can be of any help.

Yes smoking is not the "worst" thing. You can realize, appreciate, and accept that while still not allowing it in the house.

thats what I would do. it doesn't have to be judgmental, just a fact, and second hand smoke is not good for anyone and he does live in your home and can learn at this age that he can be considerate, take care of his needs while being aware of others --you are treating him respectfully as a 15 year old becoming a young adult -- appropriate independence with respect for others and his parents and family-- a good life lesson and a good dynamic overall

theres a balance and its not about controlling -- if he steps out to smoke outside, well you can decide you do not have to see or look for that or smell it on his clothes and not bring up the subject of smoking.

wishing you much hatzlocha with the yeshiva situation and glad you have a strong relationship and you are helping and he appreciates that

this can be a rough phase and then onto much better things
espeically with a good relationship foundation trust you will get there IY"H

amother

Natural

Tue, Oct 29 2019, 5:54 pm

amother [ Jade ] wrote:

You sound upset and disturbed by a few things that your son is doing. And it also sounds like he is going through a rough patch. I hesitate to say this because I don't want to minimize your feelings or hurt you in any way... But he kind of sounds normal regarding the leaving the house to hang out with his friends. I mean he's already 15, he shouldn't really have to ask Mommy can I go. He sounds like a big mentch, letting you know where he'll be going so you know where he is and won't worry. The fact that he doesn't tell you when he's coming back... I mean if he's meeting up with friends and the conversation just goes and he's enjoying, I think that's pretty normal, no? At least, my 16 yr old son does that during bein hazmanim, and I kind of think its OK. I mean, yeah, its annoying that its late, but its part of being a parent and I'm happy he's having a nice time with friends and I know where he is. I'm sorry about the yeshiva placement and the smoking when you ask him not to... Just keep trying I think. And asking kindly and thanking him when he remembers. Life is tough for our boys sometimes.. Heck, its tough for all of us sometimes!

Gosh I couldn’t disagree more, this is totally not normal and it’s not helpful to tell her it is. The teenager smoking, going and coming without telling his mother anything, all of it is not normal and not acceptable. OP has allowed this to,go on and it’s her responsibility as a parent to lay down the rules, the teen doesn’t get to do it. She needs to get tough, lay down rules, and if he refuses to abide by them, have him pay consequences. And he should be put into therapy ASAP so he doesn’t get even worse Chas v’sholom.