IM THE WORST HOUSEKEEPER

amother

Forestgreen

Wed, Oct 23 2019, 2:43 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I have baskets but I can't have that many baskets. My home isn't big enough!

How about one basket per person? That way everyone can find their own stuff, and you don't have to waste time folding. About the only thing I'd fuss over more would be dresses or Shabbos shirts (ok , maybe school uniforms...maybe). Just put each person's basket in their room, if they want to put it in their drawers, they can, and if not? Then not :-)

amother

Wed, Oct 23 2019, 2:45 pm

Aylat wrote:

I posted above before I'd read the whole thread - now that I read it I identify in so many ways with you OP. Laundry? I have Mt Everest in my laundry room. Floors? I do my best to sweep and wash the public rooms on Fridays. Bathrooms? The toilet and sink get cleaned once a week by my kids - if they're in a lazy mood it skips a week. Dishes? Don't even go there. I also have DH not available to contribute practically but who cares about it a lot and has meltdowns every so often when it gets to him. (He does try to be understanding.) I also work full time, which to be honest, improves my self-esteem because I'm much better at my job than at housework.

But I refuse to feel like a failure any more. I have very challenging kids - and do my best to parent them. I've been blessed with skills in that area probably more than many balabustes. And housework is not my area of strength. I should probably outsource it and get cleaning help but I'm too embarrassed because a little voice inside me is still telling me I should be able to do it all myself. One day I'll get sensible and get over it.

Also I've found that it goes in tekufot. There have been times I'm more on top of it for whatever reason and times the house is almost a health hazard. Right now, as I said, we're on the way up - you will get there too.

I don't have a laundry room!
Thats why everything feels like it's front and center. Every mess. Every load. Etc.
My job is definitely *amazing* for my self esteem, but it also leaves me feeling drained.
& I love the bolded!!!

amother

Wed, Oct 23 2019, 2:51 pm

amother [ Slateblue ] wrote:

He might be right that house looks like it was hit by a tornado.

He's not right to yell at you.

Did you yell at him for not finishing his education before getting married?

He had a really rough day (it was raining around here,which didn't help things & he admitted that mess makes him lose it. That's the one thing that does him in"
Re the second part -
No, he does that for himself.
He is of the opinion that people should finish their education BEFORE they get married (& have children). That ship has sailed for him though. (He obviously didn't have that opinion previously, & I personally think it's about priorities and totally doable to do both)
He does try to reiterate to all the young adults around him not to get married yet LOL

amother

Forestgreen

Wed, Oct 23 2019, 2:51 pm

amother [ Saddlebrown ] wrote:

Omggg teach me how to be a chilled out mom! Ps I’m a first time mother and I want to just be chilled

The main thing to remember is that things will go sideways nearly everyday and you have to take it as normal! It's normal for a kid to forget to do their homework, it's normal for more food to land on the highchair than on the baby, it's normal for laundry and pots to be piled ridiculously high post Yom Tov...you get the idea.

It's not that you don't work on these things, because you do, it's just that you train yourself to look at the chaos as acceptable as opposed to terrible. That way it doesn't bother you as much when stuff goes "wrong"

;-)

amother

Forestgreen

Wed, Oct 23 2019, 2:54 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Laundry room? Ohhhh...you mean my couch! Got it!

;-)

amother

Slateblue

Wed, Oct 23 2019, 2:57 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Then he should "lose it" in a way that doesn't involve yelling at you.

If you think its doable to do both - then your DH should be doing more around the house - and you should be enforcing that.

amother

Wed, Oct 23 2019, 2:58 pm

amother [ Forestgreen ] wrote:

We're 3 ppl.

amother

Wed, Oct 23 2019, 2:59 pm

amother [ Forestgreen ] wrote:

Lol are you peeking into my house??

amother

Wed, Oct 23 2019, 3:10 pm

amother [ Slateblue ] wrote:

Then he should "lose it" in a way that doesn't involve yelling at you.

If you think its doable to do both - then your DH should be doing more around the house - and you should be enforcing that.

I don't recall posting that he yelled, did I?
(Although this time he did, he never does..)
You can lose it without telling, I agree with that.

Regarding your second point, let me clarify: I think it's doable for 2 young people (young = low 20's) to get married and start a family before completing their schooling. It depends on each individuals priorities. I do think you have to prioritize, though & I don't think the couple's should necessarily expect to do everything on their own, though. I honestly don't think he can do more around the house, I do think we can hire someone to, though (even if that requires a loan).

amother

Wed, Oct 23 2019, 3:14 pm

zaq wrote:

Honey, you need to erase the word “fail” from your vocabulary, and your dh needs to be smacked upside the head. His expectations are unrealistic. You are all sacrificing for the sake of his career. Fine. One of the sacrifices is a pristine house. When he finishes training and starts working normal hours, he can start picking up the slack. For now, you seem to be doing the best you are capable of. Constantly harping on your deficiencies and calling you a failure is verbal abuse. And it’s working, too: like all victims of abuse, you have come to believe every derogatory thing he says about you. This has to stop. Forget spending money on a housekeeper, you need to spend it on therapy to restore your self-esteem.

Zaq, I know I said this last week, & already responded to this list, but I need to reiterate.
Thank you for this post.
For a while now, I have been doing what seashell said to do, verbally though.
Listing all the things I do and what makes me, me. & why I'm so awesome

Saying the bolded verbally, & in a matter of fact way with zero guilt was very relieving.
I am sacrificing and something has to give.

Ive been spending my time doing one load at a time and focusing on what I can do.
(Oh, and getting household help!)
Thanks

amother

Slateblue

Wed, Oct 23 2019, 3:25 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

You wrote

Quote:

My husband just let loose at me

My brain interprets that as yelling. I suppose it could also be swearing.

I don't really know what you are talking about regarding prioritizing.

Get help with the tidying and cleaning.

amother

Rose

Wed, Oct 23 2019, 4:46 pm

I literally know NOONE in Brooklyn who works and commutes that does not have cleaning help. You can't do everything. Either someone else cleans or someone else works or you keep it a mess, that IS a valid option. Those are the options unless you have undue energy and a cleaning compulsion.

amother

Mustard

Wed, Oct 30 2019, 1:39 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

It is about the mess. Because come tomorrow the mess will start it again.
"Everyone together"? Who's the everyone? Me? LOL

I wrote that my husband is very capable bit unfortunately doesn't have the time. That includes now. He can't help me now. He can't do it. And I know you mean this kindly based on your other posts, but "give me the money?" He doesn't give me money. I'm the breadwinner (he is currently in the training part of his career) the money has to come from somewhere.

He does encourage me.

But this keeps happening.

I feel like I have one of those labels - I get distracted by stupid little things, everything takes me forever to do.. he'll just call it excuses.

I'm really sad.

I’m so sorry OP. Hugs to you. I’m in the same boat you’re in. You described my life- work f/t, breadwinner, no cleaning help- can’t afford it, no one in this house pitches in either because no one cares until they don’t have something to wear or eat. I’m so drained that I wonder if I have an iron deficiency. I get how it’s so hard to keep up with everything.

Don’t be hard on yourself... you’re only human and can’t work all day and all night and take care of kids and cook and and and... A mother’s responsibilities are never ending. You have to make sure your ok and able to function first.

My husband also says I’m full of excuses but I’m sorry not sorry because this isn’t on purpose it’s from being overextended. Please don’t feel down on yourself about this. Just take care of yourself and if he says anything negative try to stay strong and remember you’re not alone.