DS wants to take me out to dinner for my birthday

zaq

Wed, Oct 30 2019, 9:53 am

Congratulations, you’re bringing up a real treasure of a young man! Wow! Too bad my granddaughters are way too young for him.

By all means you must accept his offer graciously. Choose the medium-priced eatery, let him order first and take your cues from him.

Then, some time later, because he’s such a wonderful young man and you feel bad that he’s spending so much of his hard-earned money, find a way to let him recoup, such as hiring him to do extra chores, giving him more generous Chanuka gelt or rewarding him for some accomplishment that would normally just be its own reward. Or let dh reimburse him, also somewhat later, just because he’s so proud of his fine son.

ShishKabob

Wed, Oct 30 2019, 11:32 am

amother [ Wheat ] wrote:

I would not split the bill with the cashier discreetly. he is old enough to read a menu with prices he will surely figure it out. its part of the experience for him, a night out with mom but also a chance to feel like a man and study menu options and prices- calculate the totals. The only thing id do is have your husband approach your son as if they are conspiring together, have your husband give him a 20$ bill or however much dessert will cost and say I want to be a part of the birthday present can you get her and yourself a dessert from me as a surprise? and you can keep the change ... he is entrusted with the extra 20.

go to the 50$ place and just enjoy! Let him feel the pleasure of having treated you!

This is terrific well thought out advice and spot on!

happyness

Wed, Oct 30 2019, 12:15 pm

thunderstorm wrote:

I think it’s beautiful that he wants to do this and that you should accept it wholeheartedly without any negative comment about price and what the money is being spent on.
When I was 11 my older brother and I took our money we had and went to a Florest where we purchased a massive bouquet worth hundreds of dollars for my mother . It was her birthday and mother’s day together. We scrubbed the house down while she was out and about. And displayed the blooms in a huge vase we always had in the corner that was never touched. We were so excited to surprise her. This was done from our wholehearted love and care for our mother who had recently divorced and we wanted her to feel special.
She walked in and didn’t notice a thing . She didn’t notice the house beinf spic and span and she didn’t notice the flowers staring at her. Then we sort of hinted “Ma, do you see anything different in the room?” And then she saw this bouquet (bigger than you would see at a vort) and she started screaming “Are you crazy?! How can you spend your money on something that’ll be in the garbage in a week? What a waste of money”. No thank you, no wow, no I love you , nothing ....it was one of the most horrible memories. We sacrificed so much for our mother because we wanted to show her how much we appreciated her and how much we cared about her and instead she threw it back in our faces. I never bought her a gift again after that.

Wow. I feel for you. Who's cutting onions here???

Teaches me that it is SO SO important to know how to receive and accept,, no matter from whom. Or perhaps especially from our children...

amother

Jetblack

Wed, Oct 30 2019, 12:58 pm

To the poster who's mom did not appreciate the gift and was critical, I send you my love..

To the OP, I was telling this to my husband and we both thought your son is awesome! Great husband material. I also told my husband that it is something I can see my son offering me as he tried to convince me to get a manicure erev yom tov!

I was unaware that my 10 year old heard the conversation and repeated it to my almost 15 year old son. He came to me and asked me if I would like to be taken out for my birthday, with a smile. I laughed and asked him how he knows and he told me his sister told him what she heard me telling my husband about your lovely post. I then asked my son what he thinks of the story and he gave me a big smile and said, "He's an awesome kid!" Sending some love from my son to yours!

Rappel

Wed, Oct 30 2019, 1:10 pm

amother [ Jetblack ] wrote:

This thread is absolutely the best! Please, everyone, keep complaining about your generous and adorable sons. It's making my day! Smile

))

banana123

Wed, Oct 30 2019, 1:36 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

DS is in 6th grade and very into money and gifts. He participates in a local learning program for pre-Bar Mitzvah boys who get $100 each year if they come enough times. With my birthday approaching, he decided that instead of getting me a present, he wants to take me out to dinner and pay for it with his money.

I'm torn. On the one hand, it's really nice that he appreciates all that I do for him and wants to show it by taking me out on my birthday, just the 2 of us. It's not like he needs the money or has it earmarked for something specific, as we're B"H able to give him what he needs and get him presents for his birthday and Chanuka that he enjoys throughout the year.

He also loves to go out to eat and wishes we would go out more often, so he will definitely enjoy the experience as well. He also can sometimes be quite selfish, so we try to encourage him to be giving and think about others as much as possible, and definitely don't want to discourage him when he came up with it on his own.

At the same time, it feels weird to have him take me out and spend his hard-earned money on something so transitory, but the other gifts he came up with and mentioned to DH it seems like were not on target, so this is the best we've got.

What would you do if you were in my situation?

Also, if you would let him take you out, the next issue is where to go and what kind of budget is reasonable. We're obviously not going to a steakhouse, but he's already enthusiastically presented me with 3 options, a milchig place that would probably come to $30 with tax and tip, a fleishig one that would be more like $50, and a nicer one that could come closer to $70. I definitely wouldn't go to the most expensive one, but while I'm tempted to just go for the cheaper place to let him feel good and save his money, I honestly would have a much better experience at the middle (fleishig) option. WWYD?

Let him do it, thank him, and take a photo of the two of you at the restaurant, print it and write a thank-you on the back, and frame it for him.

Let him feel good about it. You don't want him to think this is something negative - he's almost bar mitzvah, in about 6 years you'll be thinking about shidduchim. How he treats you and his sisters is how he'll treat his wife. Let him learn that taking a woman out to eat and paying for it and being a mentch and thinking about others is a positive thing and earns positive (intangible) rewards, that it makes you proud of him. Let him feel like a man for a few minutes and copy his dad in a way that isn't negative or inherently inappropriate.

And it is his money. He can do with it what he wants. This is what he wants to do with it. Respect that.

banana123

Wed, Oct 30 2019, 1:46 pm

thunderstorm wrote:

Oh no. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. hugs