Do you know anyone who got married frum after going OTD? How

Log in / Sign Up

List of Forums + New Post Recipe Box Usergroups Following My Posts Bookmarks

Private Messages Advanced Search Rules New User Guide FAQ Advertise Contact Us

Forum -> Judaism

Previous 1 2

View latest: 24h 48h 72h

amother

Tangerine

Mon, Nov 04 2019, 11:02 am

A childhood friend of mine went OTD in college, never found whatever it was he thought he’d find there and came back to frumkeit. Married a lovely frum girl from a frum family and brought up a fine frum family. I lost touch with the family but I assume he has a tribe of fine frum grandchildren by now. Several of his siblings went OTD and stayed there. I have no idea why he came back and they didn’t, but I assume he met his dw on his own and not through the shidduch process.

thunderstorm

Mon, Nov 04 2019, 11:12 am

thunderstorm wrote:

Yes my brother. He was OTD for a few years and came back. He married an FFB girl who always stayed frum and never changed in her Yiddishkeit. I always forget he was OTD because he’s more ehrlich than before.

My brother’s shadchan was Aviva Einhorn from Lakewood (don’t have any other info) but he was frum again for a number of years before he started dating .

amother

Gold

Mon, Nov 04 2019, 11:14 am

A girl I know went otd for a few years
She wore jeans, had lots of earrings, had a boyfriend...
I’m not sure how she came back but she married a very modern college guy who was into learning and growing...
It’s a little more than 20 years later and they have 10 children. The family has become chassidish although neither of them had chassidish relatives at all.
They are also quite wealthy and very respected.
Miracles do happen...

zaq

Mon, Nov 04 2019, 11:40 am

amother [ Gold ] wrote:

She wore jeans, had lots of earrings, had a boyfriend...
I...

Unless she stole the jeans and earrings and had relations with the bf, none of this spells”OTD.” Off YOUR d, perhaps, but not off THE d.

amother

Amethyst

Mon, Nov 04 2019, 11:52 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

**** Alert: Please, no saying that being frum has to come from the heart and whether they do or dont get married shouldnt be a factor in coming back or not coming back to frumkeit.

If we're honest, many of us frum people, come to the decision to be frum or stay frum on the benefits, and not because of a relationship with Hashem. No judgementalism or lectures or Mussar please. Im just looking for real experiences.

No judgement or lectures or mussar because I spent years and years being exactly like that. But for anyone other than the op who wants to stop just doing it for the benefits, try Judaism Take 2 course on JUniversity.

I married a guy who wasn't really religious but he became more so with me. We were both just 'for the benefits' people, just I looked religious through and through but he only looked religious til you got to know him the tiniest bit.

marina

Mon, Nov 04 2019, 12:00 pm

I’m unclear from your post if your relative keeps shabbos and kashrus now or if she’s waiting to be set up with some fabulous guy before doing that.

If she does keep those things now, she can present herself as a BT to any shadchan.

If she does not keep those things now, she should not date anyone orthodox at this time.

amother

Vermilion

Mon, Nov 04 2019, 12:35 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

OP here.

Thanks for the encouragement!

The singles with a past who didnt have a relative who knew other formerly OTD people, who did they approach for Shidduch suggestions?

How would my relative get introduced to people?

you could call shadchanim, ignore any underhanded comments, appreciate the time the kavod habrios ones give.
That's is all.
That is how my acquaintance who completely left the derech, drugs and all did it.
she is now married to a wonderful man who had some sort of hard background but was not off the derech.

Remember what the Devorah in the Bamboo Cradle said "you dont have to a Chinese and a giyoras to have it hard with shidduchim". Some of her friends who were talented and came from a healthy background had difficulties while she got engaged at 18.

amother

Goldenrod

Mon, Nov 04 2019, 12:43 pm

Omg amother amber, do you really think I'm that stupid?? Oh god!

chestnut

Mon, Nov 04 2019, 1:25 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Friends, single events, shabbos meals at families with tons of guests, FB groups, Shidduch whatsapp groups

amother

Lime

Mon, Nov 04 2019, 2:53 pm

yes-- I did BH

amother

Lime

Mon, Nov 04 2019, 6:28 pm

As far as the "how" I went to Neve after HS to give Torah one last chance basically (I had many questions I wasn't comfortable asking in HS because most of my teachers seemed intimidated by my questions, and I was pretty sure that there weren't good answers anyway, but I thought before I go on with my life, I should go to Yerushalayim and ask all my questions to the biggest experts, and then when I don't get good answers I can go on and live my bohemian life with a clear conscience and without any second thoughts that maybe I made a mistake, maybe there really is one objective truth and a divinely mandated system of morality?).

I ended up learning all over Yerushalayim for 2 years and then attending a high level BY type seminary for another 2 years, and then one of my roomates (from Neve)'s husband (she was a BT who married a BT learning in a major mainstream Litvish yeshiva in Brooklyn) redt my husband to me, who was also a BT learning in his yeshiva (BH my husband continued learning in kollel for 10 years and became a Rosh Kollel and then a shul Rav in smaller communities where we felt we could make a difference).

Before I met my husband, I went out with three other guys who were all suggested by good people who knew me and appreciated me for who I was. One was the wife of someone in the kollel connected with the yeshiva that my seminary was connected with, who I stayed with for yomtov, one was from my HS principal, a great woman who always liked me even when I was running away from everything she represented (I always respected her) and one was from the Rebbetzin who ran the talmud torah in the city where I went to seminary, where I taught on Sunday mornings. Her suggestion was a BT whose family she was close with who turned out to be crazy, but I don't blame her-- he seemed like an ilui brisker but she didn't realize he was a bit off.. But the other 2 were good solid learning guys. One was a sweet and very regular frum bachur with nice BT parents and the other was British from I think a less yeshivish background. He was actually learning in the same yeshiva as my husband and ended up marrying my coworker Smile

The point is people who know your friend and appreciate her for the quality person that she is, will have good ideas for her, b'ezH. There are lots of different people in the world.

amother

Maroon

Mon, Nov 04 2019, 6:36 pm

My husband and I met each other on our own.

I have a friend who met her husband on one of the dating websites.

amother

Wine

Mon, Nov 04 2019, 7:26 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I have a single female relative who went OTD and would return to being frum, but is hesitant to come back to frumkeit because they think no one would want to marry them with their OTD history. They feel theyd just be looked at like a reject in Shidduchim.

How do formerly OTD people find marriage partners? I assume most Shadchanim dont want to deal with them. Who does?

Who marries "returnees" who were FFB and OTD for a number of years?

Do you know anyone FFB who was OTD and came back, and got married?

**** Alert: Please, no saying that being frum has to come from the heart and whether they do or dont get married shouldnt be a factor in coming back or not coming back to frumkeit.

If we're honest, many of us frum people, come to the decision to be frum or stay frum on the benefits, and not because of a relationship with Hashem. No judgementalism or lectures or Mussar please. Im just looking for real experiences.

How do formerly OTD people who got married frum, find Shidduchim?

Well if you want to hear the truth, anyone who is making their return to Judaism conditional on being able to marry frum, their teshuva is not honest. That will turn off potential frum dates/ mates. On the other hand, if they were sincere about doing teshuva, and lived an honest Torah life for a while after coming back to Judaism, they could find someone who would look at what they are now, not what they were before.
And I take issue with your notion that plenty of people are only frum “for the benefits.” That’s not really being frum if it’s phony or dependent on selfish benefits.

Odelyah

Mon, Nov 04 2019, 7:52 pm

marina wrote:

This 100%. If she hasn't fully returned to observance and wants to marry someone who is observant, and is a solid, healthy person, she needs to wait, spend more time learning and working on herself, spending time, shabbosim etc with quality mentors (if she can't take off time from work to learn in a good program for a few months at least) before starting to date. Unless she wants to marry someone sort of on the fence like she is and hope for the best.. How old is she?

salt

Tue, Nov 05 2019, 12:26 am

I know someone who stopped being frum, married someone not frum, and then both came back to torah and motzvit together.
Not exactly what you're asking though, I know.

amother

Turquoise

Tue, Nov 05 2019, 3:02 am

After a childhood full of abuse neglect and upheaval I went OTD. I had a pretty bad name.I went to a post high school program catering to searching girls. I guess deep down I knew god was there I was just in so much pain. A roommate set me up with her DH's friend after she got married. My DH was a REGULAR yeshiva guy who was looking for a girl who had been around the block. BH we are good for each other.I still struggle to this day from the aftershocks of my childhood and teenage hood but we are there for each other. For years I would struggle with thoughts that DH got the shorter end of the deal. But as a maturing woman I realize that I am sensitive, accepting, non judgmental and supportive, Which is specifically why he is able to grow in his life.
I know you requested we don't address the fact marriage should not be the reason. Life is so much deeper than that

zaftigmom

Tue, Nov 05 2019, 3:21 am

I was OTD and so was my husband. We were both frum again for several years before we got married. I had no problem getting dates (or at least not any harder than my good bais yaakov girl sisters and friends). Most of the guys I went out with had similar stories. I was set up by family, friends, neighbors, the occasional shadchan.

Saw you at sinai is a good website for someone in this situation.

amother

Seashell

Tue, Nov 05 2019, 4:01 am

amother [ Wine ] wrote:

I don't agree with this. People marry for all kinds of reasons. As long as she is honest with the other person and he is ok with it, that's between the two of them. Anyway, specifically wanting to marry someone frum is a statement about wanting to return.
She is unlikely to be interested in a totally typical and sheltered yeshiva boy anyway, and vice versa.

naturalmom5

Tue, Nov 05 2019, 6:32 am

marina wrote:

Maybe she just dropped the ritual but not the bigotry towards BT
I know many people like that

Page 2 of 2

Previous 1 2