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Forum
-> Parenting our children
amother
OP
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Thu, Nov 07 2019, 9:14 am
I had one kid and it was really hard to parent just one. Finally I gave birth to another 2 1/2 years later. So now I have an almost 3 year old and a few month old baby. And I just don't know how people give enough emotional attention to more than one kid. Specifically in regards to attachment parenting.
I feel like I don't really have patience or energy for this baby to do all over again those little milestones that I've already been through. I'm worried baby doesn't get enough attention from me and that toddler smacks his head and it will be like a body memory for him. I have to force myself to smile and interact with him.
For reference, dh is one of 10 and I am one of 7. So you can say hey we all turned out OK right? Well not really, not if I list all the issues dh siblings have with their (sweet, normal, loving) mom. I myself do not have secure attachment with my own (capable and normal) mother and it has affected every single one of my other relationships in my life where I really struggle to form emotional connection instead of withdrawing as I do with her.
Is it really better to have lots of kids who receive subpar emotional attention? I'm kind of torn on this bc in theory I want a large family (then I have to ask myself, what for?) and am not on bc now bc I wouldn't mind getting pregnant again. But like, how can I have another baby if the current one doesn't get enough of my attention?
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Zehava
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Thu, Nov 07 2019, 9:20 am
It seems the amount of kids you have is not your biggest issue right now.
Not having patience or energy for your baby can be postpartum depression, or a result of your own poor attachment to your mom.
I’ll venture a guess that your mothers emotional neglect has little connection with the amount of kids she gave birth to (7 isn’t considered that much in our circles) and is more about who she is and what she’s capable of.
Your mother may be considered normal and capable by many people, but clearly she is lacking some fundamental parenting skills if you grew up with an avoidant attachment style. Probably would have even if you were her only child.
It’s time to break the cycle. Your kids deserve better.
Good luck!
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behappy2
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Thu, Nov 07 2019, 9:29 am
Please get yourself some help for possible depression and attachment issues. Also if you felt overburdened by your first to be with him/her every second of course you wouldn't want another. Kids should bring you joy, make you laugh and smile. It's not our job to produce perfectly healthy children.
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amother
Emerald
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Thu, Nov 07 2019, 10:53 am
This isn't an issue of amount of children, you sound burnt out. Could you have PPD? Can you try finding out? You're being very hard on yourself and have very high expectations, take a step back and work on being calm and present. Once that's done you can work on "parenting"
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amother
Turquoise
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Thu, Nov 07 2019, 11:16 am
I agree that you need mental health support- therapy and /or meds for depression and anxiety. Forcing yourself to smile and interact with your baby is worrisome and a sign of PPD. You are right that you shouldn't be bringing more children into the family at this time. Your priority should be to become a healthy mother, and to properly care for the babies you do have now. Once you are healthy and well, you can consider more. But it should come from a place of health, feeling like you desire and can bond and give love to another baby, along with all of your current babies.
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dankbar
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Thu, Nov 07 2019, 11:21 am
Two entertain each others, where with one you have to entertain for their lack of company.
You can do stuff with kids together, like baking, crafts, story time etc.
You can multitask, while baby is nursing, toddler can sit next to you with a book, that you read to him. This way, he won't have a need to smack the baby out of jealousy.
Right after you hold/ nurse baby, you can take your toddler on the lap for a hug/cuddle, so he doesn't feel threatened.
While baby is sleeping you can play with your toddler. Talk to your toddler.
While you are taking care of your baby's needs, you can talk & bond with baby.
It's not easy, when both are trying to get your attention at once, but will get easier once they get older.
Also it's good for children to know about sharing which teaches them so many social skills, which they get from having siblings.
Firstly how to share your attention, time & then later their toys, posessions, taking turns, negotiating, giving in, come up with solutions instead of fighting, communicating.
My toddler would smash my baby, once baby started doing some milestones, which he felt invaded his territory. Today they are best of sibs, a real team in everything. Play, shmooze, laugh together. Come up with bright ideas together. They aren't even interested in outside company all that much, because they have each others.
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amother
Mauve
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Thu, Nov 07 2019, 3:04 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote: | I had one kid and it was really hard to parent just one. Finally I gave birth to another 2 1/2 years later. So now I have an almost 3 year old and a few month old baby. And I just don't know how people give enough emotional attention to more than one kid. Specifically in regards to attachment parenting.
I feel like I don't really have patience or energy for this baby to do all over again those little milestones that I've already been through. I'm worried baby doesn't get enough attention from me and that toddler smacks his head and it will be like a body memory for him. I have to force myself to smile and interact with him.
For reference, dh is one of 10 and I am one of 7. So you can say hey we all turned out OK right? Well not really, not if I list all the issues dh siblings have with their (sweet, normal, loving) mom. I myself do not have secure attachment with my own (capable and normal) mother and it has affected every single one of my other relationships in my life where I really struggle to form emotional connection instead of withdrawing as I do with her.
Is it really better to have lots of kids who receive subpar emotional attention? I'm kind of torn on this bc in theory I want a large family (then I have to ask myself, what for?) and am not on bc now bc I wouldn't mind getting pregnant again. But like, how can I have another baby if the current one doesn't get enough of my attention? |
Is this your post?
https://www.imamother.com/foru.....71436
suffer from anxiety, so I'm not judging.. I just want to say, please get help! You can do this!
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