Haves and have nots

giselle

Tue, Nov 12 2019, 12:35 am

amother [ Lemon ] wrote:

I live in a 2 bedroom home with 6 kids and I agree with her. It’s not like I’m from the rich end.

I don’t really have ppl to ask questions to irl. I think for many women it’s the go to place for things you can’t ask.

And everyone has diff sensitivities. If someone wants to wear a 20k wigs who cares. Just because my wigs are from sales and I set them myself - let her have what is important to her.

Should you not discuss making meatballs for dinner or steak for your anniversary because another only eats ground beef on Yom Tov?

Personally I think it’s a lot worse to spend the money on a Florida or mid winter vacation or bungalow colony or pesach hotel then new wig that will last for years. But that is my preference. Ppl spend their money on what is important.

Maybe that women has no kids and no tuition and this will make her feel good. We really have no clue.

There’s a reason I responded differently to your post and hers. It’s the tone of the post.

mig100

Tue, Nov 12 2019, 1:14 am

thunderstorm wrote:

As someone who sometimes doesn’t have money for food, I’d like to say that I think it’s amazing that there are people blessed with an abundance allowing them to purchase $10,000 wigs.

Wow. Just.wow

Thunderstorm- I am truly honestly I awe of you.

May you be blessed with parnassa bnachas

DrMom

Tue, Nov 12 2019, 1:37 am

amother [ Teal ] wrote:

If someone has an intelligent answer please help me.
Why is this (rightfully so)discussion of jealousy only tied to money?
I understand it but don't know why. What triggers people so much when it comes to money?
We all lack something so why this?

It's not just money.

Do a search for the word "trigger" and you will find 3 pages of thread titles, including:

It's ridiculous.

Iymnok

Tue, Nov 12 2019, 2:16 am

Why should it be a problem for a lady to ask here for reviews on a luxury item or social benefits? It’s a great resource. If I had the money and desire for an expensive item, I may want to ask here, under the cloak of anonymity, rather than announce within my community that I am in the market for what they could only dream of. It can actually be more sensitive to post here.

amother

Smokey

Tue, Nov 12 2019, 5:46 am

giselle wrote:

Because, as others have said, this level of materialism and lack of modesty goes against Jewish values. Having many children or a happy marriage, while painful for some to hear about, are goals that are completely in line with Torah values. I don’t agree that it’s only about jealousy. I think it’s often those who like to talk about how much they have (new money is my guess) who get defensive and call everyone jealous.

I don't have money. In fact we have an insane amount of debt.
I still believe that people who don't tolerate threads about 10 k wigs are jealous.

I don't mind if someone wants a 10 k wig. Unless she buys it from tzedakah.

There's something frum Jews don't seem to understand:

Rich people can afford things that poor people can't. And they are allowed to, it's their money and NO you're not entitled to have the same.

Why is this so difficult for so many people to understand??? Why are frum jews so unbelievably entitled???????
If you want a 10 k wig you have options:
1. Get a good degree and get a good job
2. Marry a rich guy

If you didn't do this , don't complain!!!
And certainly don't ruin other people's fun.
Having expensive things isn't bad taste if you can afford them easily.
It's like me buying in Target, she can buy at Chanel. SO WHAT?!

If you don't like those threads leave this site instead of telling others to not post certain things. And get over yourself and grow up.

happyone

Tue, Nov 12 2019, 6:36 am

such is life. NOONE is dealt equal value financial security, family support, shalom bayis, health, nachas. if you can't appreciate that boards have people here from all walks of life and it brings out jealousy and pain, you may be better off skipping threads. dont forget you're just seeing a snippet of their lives. you may not hear about the struggling child, the heating husb, the mental health issues, the pain and struggles. money is NOT happiness. Neither are 10k wigs. bear that in mind. personally I enjoy the diversity of this forum and take most with an extra grain of salt!!

imasinger

Tue, Nov 12 2019, 7:07 am

The thing is, people may post looking for recommendations for purchases. But most people don't need ideas about where to give tzedaka, because appeals and meshullachim are everywhere in Jewish communities. So it doesn't balance out in terms of board attention.

Those buying luxury items are probably giving nice chunks of change, some of which may be supporting the very imamothers who are unable to feed their families without help. But we'd never know.

freilich

Tue, Nov 12 2019, 8:00 am

GreenEyes26 wrote:

The OP started with a straw man argument. I have never once seen a thread asking for a sale on Ferragamo shoes or 10k wigs (do those even exists?). She was using outlandish examples.

Yes, there are threads about say, $5k wigs (rarely) or sales on Venittini shoes (which I don’t buy but I think are still like $100 or so, not $600, and are apparently very important to some people).

Yes, there are people in the world who have more money than you. But on this site, it sometimes feels like even purchasing a Starbucks for $6 is the height of luxury. That’s not typical.

As I always say, imamother skews very young, very frum, and very poor.

ITA. People with high end lifestyles very rarely post such questions here.

PinkFridge

Tue, Nov 12 2019, 8:11 am

penguin wrote:

So here's my two cents.

Someone who suffers from IF and is triggered by discussions of pregnancy or BC can block those fora.

Someone who is single can block Shalom Bayis threads.

Perhaps we ought to have a forum specifically for Conspicuous Consumption, so that anyone who finds it offensive can block it from her view. (I would, not because I'm jealous, but because I agree that much CC is a lack of tzniyus.)

I liked your post but like I said, one woman's not cc is another one's cc.
I know wealthy people who live below their means, but it's still way above mine. Knowing how much more they could be flaunting makes a very positive societal statement, but they're still not setting communal norms.

amother

Fuchsia

Tue, Nov 12 2019, 8:11 am

giselle wrote:

No. It is the people with envy like you that appoint yourself the arbiter of what's modest. I never speak about money I give except as amother or anonymously. We have turned down naming things after us. That's flaunting. But if I have a genuine question about my reality, then that has nothing to do with you and your jealousy.

You are the defensive one. You get your nasty digs in saying it's new money or against Torah values. What Torah values allows you to sit in judgment of me?

It's jealousy plain and simple. You want what others have. That's against the Torah.

I get no jollies talking about what I have for the sake of flaunting. I feel good when I can help someone out. I had a Vking range. I shouldn't tell someone the problems with it? I should never discuss something because of judgy people like you? Can I talk about how much happier I am with a better brand if it will keep someone from an expensive mistake?

Please provide a list of topics which you consider off limits. You should consider not participating in any threads where people have more than you.

giselle

Tue, Nov 12 2019, 8:14 am

amother [ Fuchsia ] wrote:

How do you know what I have? I can assure you there is nothing about you that I am jealous of.

amother

Fuchsia

Tue, Nov 12 2019, 8:48 am

giselle wrote:

How do you know what I have? I can assure you there is nothing about you that I am jealous of.

You are judgemental. You may not be jealous of me, but you are envious of people who have what you crave. It's the whole class of haves. You need to get your nasty digs in. That's a person who is unhappy. You will try to console yourself that I am classless and against Torah values.

One thing I have that you lack is that I never been jealous of anyone or anything. It took me awhile to recognize this because it is alien to me. You are a jealous person; otherwise, you would live and let live.

amother

Lawngreen

Tue, Nov 12 2019, 9:24 am

Why can't we all just be happy for each other?

Who cares what people spend their money on?

If we can give advice that is being sought, why not give it?

Everyone spends on different things and everyone has different priorities.

No one, as much as they think they might, knows anyone elses true life behind closed doors or anyone elses true bank balance. And it is none of their business to.

I found the examples in OP post exaggeratted, however even so, if someone can spend an amount someone else finds a vast sum of money that said person finds extortionate, why not just imagine, wow if they can spend so much money on this how much more so must they be able to give easily to tzedoka - how wonderful!

Refine

Tue, Nov 12 2019, 11:44 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Is anyone here troubled by people posting “top 10%” questions like “where can I get the best shaitel for under $10K?” or “ who’s having a sale on Ferragamos?” on the same site where women are posting that they haven’t enough money to buy food? Explain your response.

No, I'm not troubled at all.
It the secular culture, society is somewhat divided by financial status. Middle income families live in middle income neighborhoods and send their children to middle income school districts. (More or less)
Yidden tend to live in communities defined by hashkafa and it will inevitably combine families from a wider range of income brackets.
I think it's beautiful to be able to interact with people who may have a very different gashmius lifestyle and still share other (more important) values.
Having said that, human tendency does creep in and we all have work to do.