Does anybody else hate parenting

amother

Beige

Tue, Nov 12 2019, 6:27 pm

I have a relative who sounds like you OP. Except its her and her husband both. They are 2 of the laziest and least motivated parents ive ever seen. Also very selfish. 2 of their 4 children are adults now and they are so messed up . Other 2 are headed down the same path. They watched sooo much tv growing up they have no social skills. They were terrible students and can barely read or do basic math. They are rude and selfish and having them over at my house makes my head spin. They dont stop talking about themselves they are very loud and socially not intergrated into society at all. Just sad

amother

Orchid

Tue, Nov 12 2019, 6:33 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I've read every book. I hate having kids. I'm sure in an alternate universe I wouldn't have gotten married at all. They're almost 3 and a few months and I just hate parenting. Help

I'm curious what kind of a childhood you had. Was it a happy, easygoing one or a troubled one?

I had a very difficult & troubling one and I had my first ten months after my wedding. I never had a chance to breathe and to take some time to get a hold of myself. I hated parenting too. I loved my kids, but I found that being busy with their needs all day to be suffocating. I look back now and realize it wasn't really the parenting that caused my reactions. It was the fact that I never had the opportunity just to be, to be carefree, without major responsibilities. I needed to first have some time to take care of myself, to fill the needs that my childhood failed to to, before I was able to take care of others.

I had a few and then stopped. It was too much. Once they were all off to school, I began taking care of myself too and now my opinion about it is totally different. If I'd have a baby now, I would approach it with a totally different mindset. I think it's a real pity that we push everyone to have babies so early into marriage, without allowing proper considerations for it.

thunderstorm

Tue, Nov 12 2019, 6:35 pm

amother [ Orchid ] wrote:

I'm curious as what kind of a childhood you had. Was it a happy, easygoing one or a troubled one?

I had a very difficult & troubling one and I had my first ten months after my wedding. I never had a chance to breathe and to take some time to get a hold of myself. I hated parenting too. I loved my kids, but I found that being busy with their needs all day to be suffocating. I look back now and realize it wasn't really the parenting that caused my reactions. It was the fact that I never had the opportunity just to be, to be carefree, without major responsibilities. I needed to first have some time to take care of myself, to fill the needs that my childhood failed to to, before I was able to take care of others.

I had a few and then stopped. It was too much. Once they were all off to school, I began taking care of myself too and now my opinion about it is totally different. If I'd have a baby now, I would approach it with a totally different mindset. I think it's a real pity that we push everyone to have babies so early into marriage, without allowing proper considerations for it.

This is me exactly, word for word. I could have written it myself.

amother

Black

Tue, Nov 12 2019, 6:46 pm

amother [ Gold ] wrote:

I'm holding my nose and waiting for them to grow up. I am looking forward to the days when all of them will be off to school and I can just do whatever I want, whenever I want.

If I would've been more self aware before getting married, I would definitely not get married and not have kids. There are so many things a person can do and derive satisfaction and happiness from. It doesn't have to come from kids and marriage .

really? you must never have been an older single. What would you have rathered as opposed to kids and marriage-what kind of career or whatever, out of curiosity?

amother

Orchid

Tue, Nov 12 2019, 6:56 pm

amother [ Honeydew ] wrote:

I've thought for awhile that the rush in the frum world to get married so young has a lot of downsides.

Its not so much the rush itself - its more that EVERYONE is rushed into marriage. Rushing into marriage can be delightful for some, and awful for others. The issue I have with the frum world is that EVERYONE is pushed down the same path, no matter what. The child can or cannot be ready for marriage, the newly married couple can or cannot be ready for a baby, but it's done either way. Repercussions are ignored, & rationalizations are about like crazy.

If only every person can sit down and be allowed to choose from a framework of options (all in line with the Torah), that would work best for them. Living a life that really doesn't work for you and your circumstances, and doing the drudgery work of it day by day, is a heartbreaking struggle.

Shivim Panim L'Torah - why do we purposely overlook that?

amother

Tue, Nov 12 2019, 6:59 pm

amother [ Beige ] wrote:

Except my 2y is polite, independent and a joy to be around, objectively, according to teachers. Thanks 100% to my parenting so I'm clearly doing something right.

A few things. I do have an appt with a therapist this week to cover both possible ppd and my own childhood. It wasn't anything horrible but that feeling is definitely inherited from my mother like she could never stand having kids, still doesn't know what to do with herself when grandkids come.
Yes, I did not want to get married right away and given the choice, would not have, but I was 20 and my mother forced me to date dh. At least he's the perfect one for me, I think, though maybe not if my life had gone in a different direction.

I'm an educator, there are other ways to feel fulfilled than being a mother.

I've been in better places about this whole thing, but I guess this one now is just very bad.

amother

Smokey

Tue, Nov 12 2019, 7:10 pm

amother [ Honeydew ] wrote:

The problem with that is that your average 19 year old girl wants to be like her friends. Why wouldn't she want to get married? How can she possibly have a true understanding of the responsibilities she is undertaking? Life experience teaches you that, not sitting down and making a life plan/time line when you are in reality still a teen.

true
,when I was 19 all my friends were getting married and having kids right away I didn’t wanted
So I felt like something was wrong with me . I wanted to learn, have a career with art make money with it and then have a family later
I went to a psychologist to see what I had wrong and she said I was fine I just didn’t believe her .
Now I’m 30 , 3 kids (got married with 22) and one of the things that makes parenting so hard os the fact that I don’t have time for myself ,time to learn what I want ,I’m doing it slowly now
But I wish I had done it before

amother

Orchid

Tue, Nov 12 2019, 7:13 pm

amother [ Honeydew ] wrote:

This is true only if we keep on pushing only one life path for all, and rush everyone into marriage. But if we present options to our kids, and let them decide what works best for them, the peer pressure to rush into marriage will lessen.

And you've just highlighted a major flaw in how we prepare our kids for life. Marriage and bringing children into the world is not something you just do unaware of the responsibilities you're undertaking. Both boy and girl need to have a deep understanding of the responsibility to one another, and even more so, a full understanding of the responsibility of raising children. They may at first be inept at meeting those responsibilities, but that's what life experience will teach them.

You want experience to teach them how to meet their responsibilities, not what the responsibilities are. Because if its experience teaches them what the responsibilities are, they most likely hurt someone or messed up already. And you're dealing with people and lives here.

There's nothing wrong with setting up a general life plan, as long as you go with the flow and aren't rigid and inflexible about it. There's so much more wrong in trying to live a life that wasn't meant for you.

amother

Sienna

Tue, Nov 12 2019, 7:18 pm

I understand the horrified responses, but I understand OP as well. She’s going thru the absolutely most difficult stage. When mine were at that stage I hated it too. Everything was just TOO: too little sleep, too little money, too much balagan, too little help, too much to do, too little time to do it, too many kids, too much crying, too much “yuck” , too little patience, too much guilt, and no light at the end of the tunnel.

I wasn’t suffering from PPD, I was just an ordinary overwhelmed mom having a hard time. I didn’t hate my children (always) but I hated being their mother. What kept me semi-sane was telling myself two things: that all the aggravation was a kapparah, and that this was what I needed to go thru if I was ever to have grandchildren.

it got easier a few years later as the kids became more capable and independent. But those early years were absolute hell. interspersed with occasional golden moments, but still hell.

B”H we all survived that horrible era; none of us ended in jail or the loony bin, my dc dad and I are still married to each other, our dc appear to be happily married and to have way more patience for their children than I had for them.

So, OP, good for you for having the courage to admit to feelings that few people would be willing to admit to. Admitting your feelings is the first step to feeling better. Next step, list all the different aspects of parenting: feeding, bathing, taking to doctor, taking for walks, diapering, dressing, bringing to grandparents, discipline, teaching, talking, singing to sleep, writing mitzvah notes, etc. etc. Literally write down every task you can think of. Then, analyze how you feel about each, one by one. You may find that you despise some, tolerate others, and maybe even like some tasks. Next, remember to enjoy the tasks you like. Enjoy as in an active verb: you have to really think about enjoying what you’re doing, revel in it, imprint it on your memory. Finally, pull out those memories when you’re elbow-deep in the tasks you despise and when you’re spacing out doing tasks you tolerate but don’t enjoy. When you’re cleaning up the toys in the living room for the umpteenth time today, instead of thinking about how frustrated you are, try to remember how cute the kids looked playing with them.

And imagine the future. One day your so-aggravating kids will grow up and leave home. Your house will be quiet and neat, and you will no longer have small grubby humans clinging to your skirt, messing up your hair, dragging at your bosom and in general making you yearn for a desert island in the middle of the Pacific. Chances are this will be right around the time that you become a grandparent—and that’s the payoff! You can do the fun stuff like cuddling and making faces and teaching tricks, and then, when the going gets rough...give them back to their parents !

But seriously—is there any way for you to get some sort of respite away from your kids, for a few hours now and then or even a few days? Maybe hire a sitter or let dh play Mr. Mom while you go out or even just lock yourself in the bathroom and veg out? Respite is important.

sarahmalka

Tue, Nov 12 2019, 7:25 pm

I'm having a very rough time with parenting lately also, and mine are preteens. I get so fed up, I stress myself out making everything run smoothly in the household plus working plus going to medical visit after medical visit for each kid who has special needs or medical issues and the lack of appreciation from these kids just pushes me over the edge sometimes. I don't think it gets easier as they get older, maybe not until their 20's. For me it was easier when they were little because at least they went to bed at a decent hour and didn't have such mood swings. I guess I was lucky to have fairly mellow toddlers.
I'm annoyed at the responses of ladies on this thread shaming OP for struggling with this. HELLO parenting is hard work and can have some thankless times!

groisamomma

Tue, Nov 12 2019, 7:27 pm

Hang in there, OP. It gets better, I promise. I'm glad you're checking yourself out for PPD. Even if that's not the case it could just be you're overwhelmed. Many, many of us had a couple of kids quickly and found ourselves in a haze of survival for a few years, wishing we could turn back the clock and steal a few more years of freedom. I wish I had taken my own advice during those years: Take on more help with the kids. Send them out for a few hours or leave them with a babysitter and just go out. Yourself. Regardless of how guilty people will make you feel (emotional detachment yadda yadda yadda), it is in your children's best interest to have a mother that wants to spend time with them, even if it means not being around them all the time. Stick to your guns and stay on bc. You can reevaluate in a few years when you're breathing easier.

amother

Chocolate

Tue, Nov 12 2019, 7:34 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I've read every book. I hate having kids. I'm sure in an alternate universe I wouldn't have gotten married at all. They're almost 3 and a few months and I just hate parenting. Help

You may be mineral deficient.

Could you try a meal replacement like Sunwarrior. Take a tiny in a liquor glass.

dont let anyone make you feel guilty.

There is a reason your tolerance level cannot tolerate parenting. It may be the above. It may be something else. My MIL did very well with her children above eight but younger kids made her miserable.
She repeated the pattern with her grandkids and it is totally okay. she is a totally a wonderful person.

Kiwi13

Tue, Nov 12 2019, 7:35 pm

OP, you have a 3-year old and a new baby who is only a few months old? Please be gentle with yourself. Aside from all the postpartum hormones and sleep deprivation, the early years are HARD. I love my children dearly, but when they were in their infant/early toddler years, it was really tough and sometimes I just wanted to run away from it all. It hasn’t even been that long - my kids are 4, 2, and 2, and I’m already back to loving motherhood. Again, MOST of the time. Sometimes we all need a break and that’s normal. I hope you’re making time to care for yourself and not just your kids. Healthy kids need a healthy mom. Mazal tov, and hang in there. 💕