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Forum -> Working Women -> Work at Home Mothers
Everyone thinks I don’t work
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glowing1




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Nov 15 2019, 11:00 am
I work from the minute I’m done carpool until the minute my kids come home. No sweeping the kitchen, no doing laundry, no putting breakfast dishes in sink. Then I work from the minute my kids go to sleep until about eleven, often until midnight.

Yet nobody believes that I work straight; gets offended when I can’t help them, partake in event, or answer their calls.

Can anyone relate?
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zaq




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Nov 15 2019, 12:01 pm
Not directly, because I've always been a work-outside-the-home mom (WOHM), but yes. You can't control other people's thoughts. Make like a WOHM: don't answer the door or the phone while working at your job. If you were a WOHM you wouldn't be there to answer, right? Use a different phone # for business or use caller ID and respond only to business-related calls.

Be professional and make your gainful employment hours sacrosanct. Let people know your business hours and advise them that you are not socially available during those hours, period. If they get huffy, too bad. If you work for someone else, you can state truthfully that you get paid to work and engaging in outside activity during work hours would be dishonest. If you're self-employed, saying no is harder, but just as important.

if people can't or don't want to understand that--too bad on them. you do what you have to do. Explaining to them that if you take out two hours to chaperone the chumash party will mean working till 1 am will probably not help. People believe what is convenient for them to believe.

IOW--stick to your guns, girl!
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glowing1




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Nov 15 2019, 12:16 pm
zaq wrote:
Not directly, because I've always been a work-outside-the-home mom (WOHM), but yes. You can't control other people's thoughts. Make like a WOHM: don't answer the door or the phone while working at your job. If you were a WOHM you wouldn't be there to answer, right? Use a different phone # for business or use caller ID and respond only to business-related calls.

Be professional and make your gainful employment hours sacrosanct. Let people know your business hours and advise them that you are not socially available during those hours, period. If they get huffy, too bad. If you work for someone else, you can state truthfully that you get paid to work and engaging in outside activity during work hours would be dishonest. If you're self-employed, saying no is harder, but just as important.

if people can't or don't want to understand that--too bad on them. you do what you have to do. Explaining to them that if you take out two hours to chaperone the chumash party will mean working till 1 am will probably not help. People believe what is convenient for them to believe.

IOW--stick to your guns, girl!


Thank you!!! I am going to follow your advice! It is time to make some changes, and have open conversation about this with my friends and family, instead of just building up resentment.
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amother
Linen


 

Post Fri, Nov 15 2019, 1:12 pm
I tell people I am available between X:00 and X:00 Monday through Friday
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zaq




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Nov 15 2019, 2:57 pm
Thumbs Up
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amother
Sapphire


 

Post Fri, Nov 15 2019, 3:03 pm
I can really relate. I’ve always worked outside of the house and now that I work at home I have the same interactions, particularly from yeshiva.
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FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Nov 16 2019, 11:54 am
Ugh. If there's one thing I can't stand, it's what "everyone thinks." If you do what is best for you and your family, then you have no reason to make excuses to anyone, and they are not entitled to them.

I am chronically disabled, but I look very healthy (Google "but you don't look sick".) I was helping chaperone DD's class at the zoo once, and I needed to sit down on a bench for a while. I was chatting with another mom, and the discussion of work came up. I told her that being on this trip was exhausting, and I'd probably end up spending the next three days in bed.

She said "You're so lucky you don't have to work. I'd love to have a deal like that!"

Some people will never get it. They just won't. You have to not let it get to you or it will make you crazy. Just shrug your shoulders and let it go.
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ora_43




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Nov 16 2019, 12:22 pm
Honestly, no, this doesn't really happen to me. If people call I just say, "I'm working, can I call you back at X time?"

If they want me to come somewhere, "Wish I could, but I have to work until X time."

Etc. Nobody gives me any trouble about it.

(I do often work from an office, but sometimes from home, too. eta - used to work almost full-time from home).

Maybe in your community working from home is rare (ie, internet access is rare), so people are confused by the concept?

I think in any case, the key is to not discuss it with people. No "well, my hours are somewhat flexible, but I really need to finish X project" or whatever else. Just "I'm working then." If someone calls, don't even bother to tell them you're at home (if they call on the home line, if you have one, don't answer. Anyone important has your cell number anyway, right?). Just "I'm working."

Also important: always talk as if you expect them to understand. For maximum passive-aggressive power, you can even make this explicit: "I can't leave work in the middle of the day. I'm sure you understand." or "I can't take personal calls during work hours. I'm sure you understand. I'll get back to you as soon as I can."

Lather, rinse, repeat. And if people insist on being offended even when you're being perfectly clear, well, that's on them. You can't make all the people happy all the time, and you can't make some people happy ever, because some people like being offended. It is what it is.


Last edited by ora_43 on Sat, Nov 16 2019, 2:54 pm; edited 1 time in total
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FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Nov 16 2019, 12:27 pm
ora_43 wrote:
If people insist on being offended even when you're being perfectly clear, well, that's on them. You can't make all the people happy all the time, and you can't make some people happy ever, because some people like being offended.


If I were ever to get a tattoo, this would be it! Heart
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someone




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Nov 16 2019, 12:46 pm
Yes! I work all morning from when I drop my kids off until the minute I pick them up, and often again in the evening. I work Fridays and motzei shabbatot. I just went back to work from maternity leave and anyone I mentioned it to said things like "Well, it's not like you really work so it's not such a big deal." I don't really care, it's just annoying.
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banana123




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Nov 16 2019, 5:44 pm
someone wrote:
Yes! I work all morning from when I drop my kids off until the minute I pick them up, and often again in the evening. I work Fridays and motzei shabbatot. I just went back to work from maternity leave and anyone I mentioned it to said things like "Well, it's not like you really work so it's not such a big deal." I don't really care, it's just annoying.

You also work Fridays and motzei Shabbatot? Me too me too!!!
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aussie2




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Nov 16 2019, 7:20 pm
I know exactly how you feel. I've worked from at home and had ppl ask me to accept their packages (which I didn't mind that much).. watch their sick kids etc or get insulted if I didn't pick up the phone to shmooze w/ them.. for some reason since I was working from at home in their minds it was as if I wasn't really working..
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amother
Firebrick


 

Post Sat, Nov 16 2019, 7:24 pm
Do the same thing to them. Act offended when they aren't available during their work hours.
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amother
Aubergine


 

Post Sat, Nov 16 2019, 7:31 pm
I was just thinking this shabbos that our society became so judgmental to ppl who “don’t work” or “work from home”. Why would u need to make ppl aware of how hard u work? It non of anyone’s business what ur doing all day. SAHM’s became looked down at cuz “what does she do all day she doesn’t work”, women are busy bragging and complaining how hard they work. Why can’t everyone just do what’s good for them? And if u can’t take someone’s kid, make a salad or whatever just say sorry it doesn’t work now. Why all the judgments??
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glowing1




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Nov 16 2019, 7:31 pm
Thank you all for the validation and advice.

Two separate neighbors who were frantic to get to work asked me this month if they can drop off their sick toddlers by me. “He will go straight in your crib, I’ll bring linen, be back in 3 hours he will sleep the whole time anyways, he’s so out of it...ect”.
I replied that I can’t possibly, I am working and really can’t stop, even to make a call to you that he is up.
Unfortunately, while one neighbor understood and there is no hard feelings, the other is very hurt, and I know she suffered ramifications for not showing up to work that day...
Ugh, while I know I am right, I am so sad that our relationship is strained because of this!
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singleagain




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Nov 16 2019, 7:33 pm
glowing1 wrote:
Thank you all for the validation and advice.

Two separate neighbors who were frantic to get to work asked me this month if they can drop off their sick toddlers by me. “He will go straight in your crib, I’ll bring linen, be back in 3 hours he will sleep the whole time anyways, he’s so out of it...ect”.
I replied that I can’t possibly, I am working and really can’t stop, even to make a call to you that he is up.
Unfortunately, while one neighbor understood and there is no hard feelings, the other is very hurt, and I know she suffered ramifications for not showing up to work that day...
Ugh, while I know I am roght


But that's the deal when you are a working parent. If your kid was sick and you couldn't do your work at home, you would have ramifications also, no?
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glowing1




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Nov 16 2019, 7:40 pm
I just want to add that the fact that I bill by the hour weighs heavily on me. It’s hard to bill accurately and honestly, if I stop for say three to five minutes several times a morning...
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amother
Vermilion


 

Post Sat, Nov 16 2019, 7:43 pm
glowing1 wrote:
Thank you all for the validation and advice.

Two separate neighbors who were frantic to get to work asked me this month if they can drop off their sick toddlers by me. “He will go straight in your crib, I’ll bring linen, be back in 3 hours he will sleep the whole time anyways, he’s so out of it...ect”.
I replied that I can’t possibly, I am working and really can’t stop, even to make a call to you that he is up.
Unfortunately, while one neighbor understood and there is no hard feelings, the other is very hurt, and I know she suffered ramifications for not showing up to work that day...
Ugh, while I know I am right, I am so sad that our relationship is strained because of this!


Her expectation is unreasonable, I feel for her but you would also have ramifications for not working. It just doesn’t make sense.
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sky




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Nov 16 2019, 9:17 pm
Yes. Me. I’ve been working from home for years now. I put in 7 hours per day and have kids home which make the hours even harder.
But I find my family and neighbors very sensitive about it. Like on snow days or vacation they will offer to take my kids even though I’m home. I appreciate it a lot.
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chestnut




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Nov 16 2019, 9:23 pm
I don't know your line of work, but with some, working from home means they still cook and do other things at home, and even run out to shop or for quick errands (meaning, not 100% of the time strictly working). Could be, your friends know such people and think you can do it as well.
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