Home
Log in / Sign Up
    Private Messages   Advanced Search   Rules   New User Guide   FAQ   Advertise   Contact Us  
Forum -> Chinuch, Education & Schooling
Send son from yeshivish family to MO school?
1  2  Next



Post new topic   Reply to topic View latest: 24h 48h 72h

amother
OP


 

Post Wed, Nov 20 2019, 12:11 am
He's in 8th grade and is really struggling where he is. I feel like a yeshivishe derech probably isn't right for him even though it's been a good fit for my other kids. We're considering sending him to the MO school in our town for high school, which of course would be a huge culture shock but I think ultimately would be a good place for him. But, I'm worried about the boy-girl aspect. It seems like there's a huge range in the families that send there, in terms of what's acceptable for relationships. Some kids have boyfriend/girlfriends, some don't. Some are shomer negiah, some aren't. Some are doing way, way more than just a hug or holding hands. I really don't want to be michshol my son by putting him into such a situation. I'm also really nervous about the technology aspect, and the exposure to all kinds of media and pop culture that my kid knows nothing about. I'd really like him to soak up the Torah im derech eretz hashkafah without the boy-girl stuff and the technology stuff, but of course that's impossible.

Do you know anyone who's switched to a MO school for HS and thrived? I'd love to hear. And if you know of cases where it was a disaster, I guess I'd like to hear about that too so I can learn what not to do. Thanks!
Back to top

DrMom




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Nov 20 2019, 12:21 am
Is this a co-ed school, or a boy's school with some students who happen to have girlfriends?
Back to top

amother
Lawngreen


 

Post Wed, Nov 20 2019, 12:27 am
I feel like there may be a middle ground here that you're not thinking of. Maybe a Chofetz Chaim?
Back to top

Frumwithallergies




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Nov 20 2019, 12:35 am
The MO HS in my city is not co-ed. There are no boyfriends - girlfriends. Girls and boys go to yeshiva / sem after HS. Families are vetted before admission.

It sounds like the school you are describing isn't MO in my books. Are you for 100% sure of your description ?
Back to top

naturalmom5




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Nov 20 2019, 12:39 am
My younger son was in a very yeshivish school in Lakewood .
He was getting into fights daily and starting up with other boys constantly
He won mishnayos contests so he got away with it

A rov and a therapist advised us to put him in YNJ. In 3 months they calmed him down.
His behavior did a 180 and he got all As

It was the smartest thing we ever did
Back to top

amother
Mint


 

Post Wed, Nov 20 2019, 12:43 am
naturalmom5 wrote:
My younger son was in a very yeshivish school in Lakewood .
He was getting into fights daily and starting up with other boys constantly
He won mishnayos contests so he got away with it

A rov and a therapist advised us to put him in YNJ. In 3 months they calmed him down.
His behavior did a 180 and he got all As

It was the smartest thing we ever did


Do you mean Yeshiva of North Jersey thats 1 hr and 25 minutes each way? If yes, did he board or did he travel daily?
Back to top

naturalmom5




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Nov 20 2019, 1:11 am
amother [ Mint ] wrote:
Do you mean Yeshiva of North Jersey thats 1 hr and l25 minutes each way? If yes, did he board or did he travel daily?

Stayed with a family
Back to top

Ruchel




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Nov 20 2019, 4:39 am
You're right that co-ed is a possibility in MO (me, I'm against - some ok - some for). It may or not mean bad things. Some co-ed places are extremely on top. Lo alenu, some non co-ed places aren't. The bf/gf craziness is much more problematic.
Back to top

amother
Chartreuse


 

Post Wed, Nov 20 2019, 5:05 am
It sounds like you know what your son needs. Is it an option to send him to an all boys not super modern mo school (like mta)?
Back to top

chanchy123




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Nov 20 2019, 5:31 am
OP, you said there is a wide range of observance among the student body. Your son can be one of the kids on the stricter side of the spectrum. It's not like he's going to be the only one. There always is a chance of him lowering his standards - but as you can see on this board, that can happen to kids in yeshivish/chareidi schools too. In the MO school your kid will know that it is possible to be MO and still be strict on boy/girl things. There is less of chance that your son will just throw the baby out with the water and decide to leave all Orthodoxy or become very lax in observance. By moving him to the new school you are taking the sting out of any rebellion, you are supporting him in his choice and there are more chances of his keeping up with many values he sees at home and adapting them to his new surrounding, instead of just chucking it all out.
Back to top

imasinger




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Nov 20 2019, 6:43 am
There is no substitute for current information.
For you, that means talking to parents (with a similar hashkafa to you, you can ask the admissions person for contact info) whose kids are there now. For your DS, that means going to the school for a few days of trial.

The same school can have a 9th grade where the majority are all into sports, and a 10th grade that are full of drama, boy girl stuff, and an 11th grade that's very Torah focused. So your question depends, not only on the school, but on the particular grade within the school.

Besides the boy girl thing, here are some other questions to consider. Note what a difference there would be if DS had a couple of strong friends to keep him connected:

- Does anyone have filters on their screens? Will it matter to us if DS sees things that we otherwise would filter, on someone else's phone?
- Am I comfortable with how everyone there dresses, particularly in the summer?
- What is the general student attitude towards the kodesh learning? Tolerated, or enthusiastic?
- Is there an issue with kids skipping davening? How seriously is attendance taken?
- How tolerant is my community? Would my other kids lose friends because people looked at us differently for sending DS to a MO school?

Hatzlacha with your decision!
Back to top

amother
Beige


 

Post Wed, Nov 20 2019, 7:01 am
What area of the US is this? As others have mentioned, there are MO schools that are not co-ed. I can only speak for the NY/NJ area, but you have schools like MTA, DRS, Rambam, TABC etc which are most definitely MO but all boys. If your son is struggling where he is, then yes, you need to change schools and hashkafah does take a back seat to other considerations at this point. But I would advise you to look into options that are, to use the shidduch term, "MO Machmir" which should minimize some of what you're concerned about.
Back to top

amother
Khaki


 

Post Wed, Nov 20 2019, 7:01 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
He's in 8th grade and is really struggling where he is. I feel like a yeshivishe derech probably isn't right for him even though it's been a good fit for my other kids. We're considering sending him to the MO school in our town for high school, which of course would be a huge culture shock but I think ultimately would be a good place for him. But, I'm worried about the boy-girl aspect. It seems like there's a huge range in the families that send there, in terms of what's acceptable for relationships. Some kids have boyfriend/girlfriends, some don't. Some are shomer negiah, some aren't. Some are doing way, way more than just a hug or holding hands. I really don't want to be michshol my son by putting him into such a situation. I'm also really nervous about the technology aspect, and the exposure to all kinds of media and pop culture that my kid knows nothing about. I'd really like him to soak up the Torah im derech eretz hashkafah without the boy-girl stuff and the technology stuff, but of course that's impossible.

Do you know anyone who's switched to a MO school for HS and thrived? I'd love to hear. And if you know of cases where it was a disaster, I guess I'd like to hear about that too so I can learn what not to do. Thanks!


I am MO. MO high schools are often good options. But if you live in the DC area think many times before switching from Yeshiva of Greater Washington to Berman Hebrew Academy. There have been tons of administration switches in the last 5 years. You don’t just have to worry about shomer negiah. You have to worry about drinking. YGW is a warm environment. If it doesn’t work for your son try Baltimore. If you are not talking about these schools I I can’t advise you but be aware that you should looked into drinking and drug issues in every school.
Back to top

amother
Saddlebrown


 

Post Wed, Nov 20 2019, 7:37 am
It depends on your son. Is he rebellious at all? Is he very concerned to always do like everyone else? If yes to either, he will probably go to where your concerns are. If not it would probably be a wonderful and amazing thing for him. I applaud you for your al pi darko approach. Can he be strong to learn home based Torah values and not be influenced by peers?

What are you thinking about that would be better for him there? Btdt, so I can try to answer more specifically. But I send to not co-ed. But they have girlfriends.
Back to top

amother
Puce


 

Post Wed, Nov 20 2019, 7:50 am
Op, we were just dealing with a similar situation.
I would highly recommend that you call rabbi Strauss from Lakewood. He is an expert at pairing up a boy with the right high school. He doesn’t charge for this.
Last year, my husband spoke to him about our son ( who sounds similar to yours) and he also asked to meet with our son afterwards.
He recommended a high school I would have never thought of. It is far from where we live and our son dorms , coming home for shabbos. (I never thought he could handle dorming as he never even went to sleep away camp.. but bH he is managing very well.)
The high school R’ Strauss recommended does not have a group of yeshivish boys however the rebbeim and the Hanahala are yeshivish with yiras shamayim. They are gentle yet firm with the boys and give over acceptance and warmth. My son doesn’t feel the pressure he used to feel because he is surrounded by boys similar to him.
You mentioned that you had a school in mind. I would highly recommend that you speak with R’ Strauss before you do anything. Let me know if you need his number.
Back to top

DrMom




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Nov 20 2019, 7:53 am
amother [ Puce ] wrote:
Op, we were just dealing with a similar situation.
I would highly recommend that you call rabbi Strauss from Lakewood. He is an expert at pairing up a boy with the right high school. He doesn’t charge for this.
Last year, my husband spoke to him about our son ( who sounds similar to yours) and he also asked to meet with our son afterwards.
He recommended a high school I would have never thought of. It is far from where we live and our son dorms , coming home for shabbos. (I never thought he could handle dorming as he never even went to sleep away camp.. but bH he is managing very well.)
The high school R’ Strauss recommended does not have a group of yeshivish boys however the rebbeim and the Hanahala are yeshivish with yiras shamayim. They are gentle yet firm with the boys and give over acceptance and warmth. My son doesn’t feel the pressure he used to feel because he is surrounded by boys similar to him.
You mentioned that you had a school in mind. I would highly recommend that you speak with R’ Strauss before you do anything. Let me know if you need his number.

What a wonderful service!
Back to top

Simple1




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Nov 20 2019, 7:53 am
The culture might be a difficult adjustment. Especially you said your son is struggling, though you didn't say in which area. I'd rather send to a "yeshivish" based school geared for kids like him.
Back to top

mommyhood




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Nov 20 2019, 8:04 am
There are so many options in between yeshivish and co-Ed. Many boys dorm for high school why not consider that rather than such a huge hashkafic jump. I went to a more modern high school and it was a huge culture shock from my bais yaakov elementary. I can’t even imagine adding the co-Ed aspect.
Back to top

PinkFridge




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Nov 20 2019, 8:05 am
Simple1 wrote:
The culture might be a difficult adjustment. Especially you said your son is struggling, though you didn't say in which area. I'd rather send to a "yeshivish" based school geared for kids like him.


This. If it's a possibility.
Back to top

Ruchel




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Nov 20 2019, 8:40 am
It is true that the culture is different, the "cool" is different (I see what is cool at my dd's middle school and what is cool at the community school). Also will he be the only not MO or is there every type
Back to top
Page 1 of 2 1  2  Next Recent Topics




Post new topic   Reply to topic    Forum -> Chinuch, Education & Schooling

Related Topics Replies Last Post
S/o Top BY school for girl with HFASD
by amother
18 Today at 1:11 am View last post
How to avoid vaccinating my baby until school
by amother
141 Today at 12:35 am View last post
Did anyone get accepted to girl’s high school?
by amother
8 Yesterday at 8:14 pm View last post
Family planning cuz of financial stress
by amother
6 Yesterday at 6:08 pm View last post
Looking for Sunday Hebrew school
by amother
9 Tue, Mar 26 2024, 9:00 pm View last post