Working Mom's Raise Their Kids

SacN

Thu, Nov 21 2019, 2:24 am

Quote:

This.
People who think being a sahm is difficult wouldn't even survive a week being a working mom. That's just the truth.

Oy, oy, oy.
I'm a full time working mom. 45 hours+, an hour + commute each way. My husband is the same. I have elementary aged kids, who go to aftercare.
My husband and I have some flexibility, so between the two of us, we do pick up from aftercare 3x per week, and have a sitter twice.
I have 3 hours a week of cleaning help.

I found being a stay at home mom with babies (which I did for 9 months with one, and a year worth my second+both kids were home full time) much much more difficult for me. I was bored. Exhausted. My body ached from schlepping, and eating less than I should have. I was anxious. So bored. So unfulfilled. I did it because I couldn't afford two in daycare.

Working part time helped a bit. I had one in preschool and one with a babysitter for just the hours I worked. I could breathe. Use the bathroom. It was a good balance-the baby home, me with some adult time, and lots of time with my kids. But I was still really bored and a bit lonely.

Now I work a full time corporate job. I'm not bored. I feel like I'm growing. My family has some savings put aside, though not a ton. I can afford a car, which makes my life much easier. My cleaning lady mops and folds some of my laundry-but I still do dishes and laundry and sweeping daily. I do homework--as does my husband. Tbh, I could live without homework. My kids make supper with me. We do chores together. We go to the park. My home isn't so messy, because we aren't home that much, and my kids help. They clean the bathrooms. My husband does a lot of parenting. I don't sleep as much as I should - but who does?

It's demanding. It's hard to squeeze in errands and appointments. But it's so much easier than being a stay at home mom with babies at home FOR ME. I value my work. And my kids. And my kids having real relationships with their father. I even value having a husband do dishes and laundry and grocery shopping- and need to work and earn well to convince him that it's his job too. It's SO MUCH EASIER for ME.

Being a SAHM was so hard.
The only plus was that I cooked and baked more. But I don't value that as much as I do my retirement funds.

If you gave me a month off, I'd love it. I'd totally spend tons of time with my kids and we'd remember and treasure it forever. By the end, I'd be crawling the walls ready for routine and adult company. My house would be spotless. I'd be ready to return to work.

amother

Denim

Thu, Nov 21 2019, 2:58 am

amother [ Copper ] wrote:

In general, you're right. But it really depends on the working mom and the SAHM.

Some SAHMs get a lot done, some don't, they just do everything at a leisurely pace. And that's fine too. It's not a mitzvah to run around like a chicken without a head.

Also, a lot of SAHMs accomplish a lot of housework - which is something a working mom often just outsources. It doesn't really matter who is cleaning the toilets.

I think the big issue is how much extra the sahm is giving her kids. I would say that if they are little, it's a huge bonus. Once they are in school (and where I live, that starts at age three), then I don't know how much more the sahm gives. Again, depends. IF the working mom gets home at six p.m, she is seeing her kids a lot less than if she gets home at three pm.

I personally think that sahms of school age children aren't necessarily contributing more to their children than working moms. Sorry, that's the truth. HOWEVER, and this is a big one, I think working moms are often frantically overworked, and it is just not fair that society expects them to keep track of the entire household, emotionally, physically, socially, while also working.

I agree with this.
If a mother is constantly overworked and doesn't have patience for her kids because she has a huge headache or almost a burnout of course that's problematic.
But the more than perfect sahm that's portrayed here who cleans her home OCD style, runs to 5 different stores to get stuff on sale and bakes and cooks everything from scratch most probably also has no patience and a headache.

And like you said once kids go to playgroup which is usually age 3 if not earlier there's no reason to think one is a better mother staying home. Your kids don't care where you are when they're not home.
Is it comfortable to have the whole day to yourself? If course it is.
But it doesn't make you a better mother or person.

amother

Navy

Thu, Nov 21 2019, 8:04 am

SixOfWands wrote:

Because they do.

You want people to say that you're a better mother because you don't work outside the home. Not only is that just plain old not true, its most deinitely an attack, and absolutely lacks respect for others.

No I don’t. In fact I usually work part-time but now I’m on maternity leave. But what you are saying is an attack. While you are at work someone has to watch your kids and take care of them, play with them, educate them, clean up their messes. That’s what SAHMs do and saying that working moms do everything SAHMs do completely discounts that.

amother

Navy

Thu, Nov 21 2019, 8:06 am

amother [ Copper ] wrote:

Yes I agree with you. I’m specifically referring to SAHMs who have at least one child home full time.

amother

Blonde

Thu, Nov 21 2019, 9:17 am

I have been a SAHM and a working mom juggling a bunch of jobs so I have a pretty good perspective on this. A lot depends on if the working mom had an in house babysitter / nanny who is doing the laundry and making the beds etc; Because then the work isn’t something she needs to do. All the spilled milk from that day, all the diapers that were changed, all the laundry and tidying and serving lunch - Is work she didn’t do and doesn’t need to do. That cycle of just taking care of kids that doesn’t have a permanent result( obviously the result is well taken care of children) is a tremendous amount of physical and emotional work that she isn’t doing. BUT the working mom who is running to drop off at this sitter and this playgroup who has zero help and no extra babysitting time - who when she comes home has to clean up from breakfast spills and do all the laundry and cleaning the toilets just after hours - is working pretty ragged. But she still isn’t doing all the work of taking care of small kids during the daily hours which can really take a toll especially if one has a baby and toddler home.
The SAHM who has extra funds for cleaning help and some babysitting to go out out is definitely having it easier as she has a lighter and less stressful life in terms of the daily grind. BUT the SAHM with a newborn and 2 toddlers with minimal cleaning help and zero coverage ever in terms of babysitting is working really really hard. It’s exhausting physically and emotionally taking care of little ones who are so needy and doing all that without adult stimulation is really hard.

So the bottom line is,it isn’t clear cut who had it harder. It truly depends on circumstances, what a mom enjoys doing and a lot had to do with how comfortable they are financially.
Everyone has to do what they do best and the judging others doesn’t help anyone.
Ok rant over Cool

urban gypsy

Thu, Nov 21 2019, 9:56 am

ora_43 wrote:

So what are you imagining SAHMs doing, doing the work 3x slower just to have something to do? Finishing early and staring at the wall?

Betty Friedan wrote that "work expands to fill the time available"
That is the nature of American productivity culture
A SAHM will either work slower, busy herself with extra nonessential tasks, or rest
Which is actually no different than an employee in the workplace
Studies show that the average corporate employee only works about 2 hours out of the 8 hour workday. The rest of the time is filled with administrative paper pushing, chatting, phone calls, and wasting time online
Productivity culture tells us we need to PERFORM the image of "working hard" from 9-5 so we can feel worthy and valuable
Getting our jobs done quickly and efficiently in 2-3 hours and resting for the remainder of the day is so abhorrent and obscene to the American mindset
That's why technology is making us busier and more stressed instead of more leisurely
We objectively have it so much easier than our ancestors ever did yet we all work 10 hours a day like we used to in the fields and factories
Blame the mommy wars on productivity culture which has made child rearing just another task to "hack" and "optimize" like the rest of our jobs

urban gypsy

Thu, Nov 21 2019, 9:59 am

amother [ Honeydew ] wrote:

Many SAHMs take over for what would otherwise be their husbands' responsibility.

Yes. Raising a family requires a team effort.
You can cooperate by splitting your responsibilities into separate spheres (one spouse works and one spouse takes care of the domestic tasks)
Or you can both share the task of earning money and caring for the home
Families fall apart when husbands expect wives to earn their share of the income but they don't perform their share of household labor
Whichever way you choose, it must be fair to both spouses

Ema of 5

Thu, Nov 21 2019, 10:32 am

I stopped reading midway through page two. I just can’t. Why does everything have to be a contest?

No, stay at home moms don’t all waaaaaash dishes and dooooo laundry and cleeeeean the house. No, stay at home moms don’t always get to go the park, and go for walks, and whatever else.

Being a mom is about quality, not quantity.

Any mom who is trying her hardest to raise her kids is raising her kids. THE END You don’t garner any sympathy by putting someone else down. (That goes both ways) just do your best, and let’s just cheer each other on, rather than having these mommy wars.

SixOfWands

Thu, Nov 21 2019, 10:56 am

bigsis144 wrote:

This. I am not a supermom who can do it all!!

BH it works financially for me to be home now with my baby and run the home front while DH works long hours with a long commute and frequent travel.
I remember when I worked full time after DS1 and DS2 and how I was literally falling apart physically, mentally and emotionally. This time around, I avoided debilitating PPD by knowing my limits.

But there’s a part of me that still feels inferior to the moms who can juggle it all. That says I stay home because I’m weak, I’m lazy, I’m not trying as hard as I should. That if I somehow still need help - from my husband, hired help, etc. - that I’m a failure, I’m inefficient, I’m “entitled”.. That maybe the most important thing I can do is make money because everything I do can be outsourced, right?

You're not "inferior." You're not weak or lazy or a failure. Everything that you are doing is good and valuable.

Why can't we all just accept that everyone is different, and everyone takes different roles at different times of their lives. I bet you were an amazing mother who did all kinds of things with and for your kids when you worked outside the home. I bet you're an amazing mother who did all kinds of things with and for your kids now.

No one should diminish someone else to make themselves feel better.

urban gypsy

Thu, Nov 21 2019, 2:54 pm

amother [ Gray ] wrote:

I was actually feeling really guilty and bad for not giving my kids enough attention due to my work, and for not earning enough money despite all the time I put in.

Then I overheard dd 7 playing house. She stood straight and said to her sister, with all the happy confidence in the world, "I get to be the mommy. I'm a [named my profession] and I make lots of money. You be the daddy."

SICKKKKKK this story makes me so proud LOL

zaftigmom

Thu, Nov 21 2019, 8:00 pm

I've been home and I've worked. When I was a stay at home mom, I got to take a nap while the baby napped if I had a hard night. I also got no help from anyone ever. Not my husband who had to work extra hours so we could afford for me to not work, not my mother, mother-in-law, friends, neighbors etc. My kids came with me on every shopping trip, to every appointment, on every errand. I was on call for my family 24 hours a day every day. Date nights were nonexistent because we couldn't afford babysitters and no one would do favors for someone who was clearly less busy then them. When I had a high fever and was barely able to take care of my own basic needs I had to hold a tantruming toddler who was frustrated that her mother wasn't paying attention to her.

Now I'm working. Honestly my life is easier now. My husband is more helpful. I have a bit of cleaning help. I get a short lunch break and that time is my own. Missing my kids during the day makes it easier to deal with them when I come home. My bank account is starting to recover a bit which reduces stress. My house is cleaner because we're not in it all day. I get to see other adults during the day. It's definitely harder to find time for errands and appointments but overall my family is thriving.

If I had the opportunity to stop working again I probably would. I'm just saying it's not so simple. Everyone's situations are different in so many ways I'm not sure why we think we could compare.

As long as you are taking care of yourself and your family I'm not sure why anyone would have a problem with how you choose to do it. Let's all just live our best lives and stop looking around us so much.

happyness

Thu, Nov 21 2019, 9:22 pm

Ema of 4 wrote:

Best line of the thread Applause