Son listening to parenting or adult shirim( lectures) on p

amother

Fri, Nov 22 2019, 3:22 am

My 15 year old ds confronted me today raht he listens to the v'keravtuni lectures and some parental lectures on phone .. I told him to be cautious with it because some parental lectures are not made for children to listen other then adults, he thought im nuts for telling it to him. I told him just to make sure when he calls hot lines he should make sure its age appropriate since not everything is meant for his age . Ds was upset with my response . How would u approach this? And what are your thoughts about teens listen to parental lectures? He claims friends gave him idea to call. My opinion is that its awful but could be I dont know.

yersp

Fri, Nov 22 2019, 7:28 am

I think you handled it correctly.
I would probably do the same as you. I would definitely not be thrilled that my child was listening to parenting shiurim, but if you don't let him and tell him he shouldn't, then he will for sure listen even more because you said no. If you don't make a big deal out of it then that takes away from the excitement and he might actually find the shiurim boring and stop listening.
Forbidden waters always taste sweet.
As a side note, make it clear to him that if he ever has any questions or doubts he should come to you and you only because if he will discuss with friends, they might steer him wrong. You as a parent who is actually parenting will understand better the points made as opposed to teenagers who have never parented before.

FranticFrummie

Fri, Nov 22 2019, 7:33 am

I would be open and curious. Why did he feel he needed to listen to parenting classes? What was his opinion of what he heard? Did he pick up any good tips on how to make the house more peaceful?

He needs to realize that information is good, but it's not his job to fix the shalom in the house. He can make suggestions if he wants to, but in the end you are the adult in charge, and you get final say.

Keep the dialog open. This may be completely innocent, and by asking these questions you may have some quality bonding moments with your son, and get to know him better.

Some parents would kill to have their teenage boys want to talk to them about things that are on their minds, so let him know that you are interested in him.

Congratulations on having a son that will tell you things in the first place. That means that you are on the right track, so keep going!

amother

Ivory

Fri, Nov 22 2019, 8:36 am

Idk what the hotlije is but in 5th grade I was reading the parenting brochures school would give us Bring home (it was a weekly newsletter from some society with games to play with kids, tips etc)
I read parenting books in 8th grade
I still read them
It's only helped me

renslet

Fri, Nov 22 2019, 8:43 am

Há ha, my kids' favorite book is "how to talk so kids will listen" maybe because of the comics inside. Doesn't bother me.
On the flip side as a teenager I read marriage and parenting books and it kind of made me lose respect for so many adults because "according to the books" they were doing everything wrong. It took a bit more maturity to realize that there was more to the story.
I think it's great that your son came to you and maybe he picked up pointers that he thinks would be a good idea. Always helpful to get constructive feedback.

seeker

Fri, Nov 22 2019, 9:13 am

What's in these lectures that's so inappropriate? I don't think I'd worry too much. Especially since he says he got the idea from a friend, it will probably fizzle because it's not a real interest for him. But if he does find it interesting, why not? Probably means he's looking forward to becoming a father and wants to be prepared. Seems like the kind of thing I'd do.

amother

Turquoise

Fri, Nov 22 2019, 9:54 am

I was that kid that was always curious and wanted to understand the way the world works and the more people told me it's not for me the more I wanted to know why.
As a teen I read any book I could get my hands on that focused on marriage and taharas hamishpacha. I knew there was something there and I wanted to know what. I was well versed in all halachos and I knew everything from A to Z. And yes, I was very taken aback at how the actual birds and the bees worked and decided that us yidden do things differently. I had no one to ask because I knew what an answer I would get.
I don't have to tell you how all this information (or rather misinformation) colored my perception of marriage and TH. To this day I struggle with having relations and whatnot related to marriage because I had such warped ideas. And I'm married close to 18 years.

As a previous poster mentioned, if I would've been able to discuss things with my mother I believe life wouldve been so different for me. I encourage my kids to always come and ask me any question they might have no matter how stupid. I give them enough info to satisfy them and point out that in the future when the time is right I will clarify some more.

amother

Lemon

Fri, Nov 22 2019, 10:08 am

Unless he's specifically seeking out shiurim on How To Tell Your Kids About Intimacy, I honestly don't see what the problem is. I say, all the better for him, he'll be more prepared for life than his peers.

I distinctly remember reading The Explosive Child when I was a teen. My parents were struggling with my brother and had bought the book. I learned some interesting things, learned to judge my brother less for his struggles, and when I was blessed with my own challenging child, I bought it for myself, because I remembered it had helped my parents.

The only thing I'd make a big deal of is if he starts using what he's learned to parent his siblings or critique yours and dh's parenting. The fact is, theory is nice and helpful, but you never really can understand until you have kids of your own, and he absolutely needs to respect that boundary.

amother

Fri, Nov 22 2019, 10:12 am

My thing here is if me and my dh do or act differently then what the information he hears, he will judge us that we parent wrong and he knows better because he listens... I dont want ds smarter then us parents happening here which is the case with the relationship me and dh have with ds that ds in general always feels he knows more and better... like if he will hear a father must love a certain way a kid . If my husband does it differently, he will prove us wrong... that is whats concerning me , cause I know my child he listens to it and on this chesbon he will try to correct us ... actually I think my house is running quite decent bh , no shulem bayis issues bh or restrictions going on... but he is a difficult child not from the typical ones, and he is like on his own whatever he decides , he wont count so much on me and dh when he wants something, he will just reach his goal without us which can be good but lots of hardships too, with that said he isnt in yashiva now , .... I guess he keeping himself busy.

thunderstorm

Fri, Nov 22 2019, 1:43 pm

Maybe he doesn’t feel validated by his parents. So when he reads the books or listens to shiurim he sees, “Oh really my parents should be doing such and such” and when he hears the correct approach he feels validated for the way he feels .it could be that he feels like his parents don’t “hear” him or understand him and he’s checking to see if HE is the issue or is it the way his parents are behaving that is the issue. It may just be a way for him to get some clarity, especially if he doesn’t have another adult to discuss this with.