Shul only has Cholent at Kiddush if Sponsored - tacky?

amother

Jetblack

Mon, Dec 09 2019, 3:21 pm

amother [ Salmon ] wrote:

I'm with you on both of the issues. One is that DH is stuffing his gut, when I've worked hard to cook for Shabbos. And the second is - he is stuffing his gut while everyone at home waits and waits and waits hungrily for him to come home so we can eat the meal.

For fathers who have food and families at home, what is the point of having a hot kiddush every single week? If it's social camaraderie that they crave, they should do that either at shalosh seudos or melava malkah.

You can plan accordingly if you know he always arrives a certain time and cook less.

DH comes home a half hour to an hour later because of kiddish. I eat a late breakfast. I cook less - no tension.

amother

Wine

Mon, Dec 09 2019, 5:26 pm

allthingsblue wrote:

I have been in many communities, from yeshivish to out of town Kiruv to modern orthodox, in the US and Israel, and I have never been in a community where every week the kiddush is in place of lunch. In every place I've been to, the families have their own lunch after shul.
As a big believer in health and not wasting, I don't think another cholent in shul each week is necessary. Also, I and most people I know do not like shul cholent. I only like homemade (not everyone's) cholent. You yourself said you didn't like the cholent all that much.
Why can't you socialize over grape juice and kichel ? Why is cholent a necessary component to socializing?
Why can't you socialize at home- invite families for the shabbos seudah?
Personally I hate socializing over a bowl of hot or messy food. Too much potential for an awkward or messy situation!

My parents live OOT and every single week there is a sit down kiddush with cholent. They have a lot of singles and newcomers so it’s a nice way to make sure these people have a place to be for Shabbat lunch. I have no clue who pays and how this is maintained for so many years.

On the flip side, I work in the shul office with a very wealthy membership and the kiddush is basic. No hot foods unless specifically sponsored. The cost of sponsorship doesn’t even cover the cost of the kiddush. As the bookkeeper, I spend hours every week in collections so we can keep the lights on and bills paid. No one would ever think a shul like this would be struggling but we are. The sad reality is these men pledge all kinds of money but we don’t see it without consistent calls and follow ups and sometimes even that doesn’t work. It’s a whole job in itself.

amother

Coral

Mon, Dec 09 2019, 5:45 pm

amother [ Jetblack ] wrote:

You can plan accordingly if you know he always arrives a certain time and cook less.

DH comes home a half hour to an hour later because of kiddish. I eat a late breakfast. I cook less - no tension.

And if the kids are hungry, and want to eat with their father? And if mom has been watching them all morning by herself already? I don't know if these are factors in your house, but they are for a lot of people.

amother

Jetblack

Tue, Dec 10 2019, 5:35 am

amother [ Coral ] wrote:

Give the kids a later larger breakfast. Make kiddish yourself and give them something to eat.
The kids can eat with their father when he comes home. Little kids that need to be watched don't eat as much as adults. So if Totty is eating less, there's less time waiting for him to finish.

I have a different kind of marriage than you do. I never resented watching my kids. My husband arriving home half an hour or an hour after services is no big deal. I love living in a tight knit community. I love that he can enjoy socializing and then enjoy coming home to his family.

amother

Salmon

Tue, Dec 10 2019, 5:49 am

amother [ Jetblack ] wrote:

If he does it ever so often, I'm perfectly fine with doing the above. But on a weekly basis, this doesn't work. I can't always work out a later breakfast, because the kids wake up on their own schedule. And if they do happen to eat a later larger breakfast, then they're not really hungry by the time it comes to the meal.

What usually happens if the kids are not that hungry & neither is Tatty, the meal falls sideways. No one is too interested, cause they're not hungry. I also like living in a tight knit community and the socializing aspects, but I don't get why that's the only time they can socialize. They get together for shalosh seudos, they get together often for melava malkah & occasionally around Maarev during the week.

They all have warm, cooked food waiting for them at home, & they all have a wife and kids waiting for them at home to sit down and eat together. Why not put that first?

amother

Natural

Tue, Dec 10 2019, 6:50 am

OMG! Dh goes to shul to ... get this.. DAVEN! There is only a kiddush in shul if someone is making a simcha.
My kids are young. We stay home while dh davens in shul. Occasionally we know the people making the simcha and we go to say Mazel Tov. The ladies don’t really sit down and eat. There are some pastries, salad sometimes kugel but most ladies don’t take unless it’s close family... everyone goes home to eat.
Shul is not for socializing! I’ve heard of that in the conservative places where there is not much praying anyway so that’s how they keep busy there.
I have never heard of anyone choosing a shul based on the kind of kiddush they have!!! That is just too funny!!! How is their davening?? How is the rav??
Get your priorities straight in knowing what to look for in a shul!!!!
Maybe get a good Chulent recipe- it’s easy and cheap too...

Miri1

Tue, Dec 10 2019, 7:50 am

Wow there is so much variety across the Jewish world.
There are a lot of variables here.
In a kiruv shul, a hot sit down kiddush makes a lot of sense, to give over the warmth and spirit of shabbos.
In an out of town shul, where people walk far, this could also make sense.
In an area with many elderly people, this could be their one hot meal of the week.
But then I'm hearing about women and kids waiting and waiting for husbands to come home, how their meals fall apart because noone is hungry. And that is not a positive thing for family dynamics.

Don't know what the answer is - it just amazes me how there can be such positive and such negative effects from a kiddush cholent!
Or perhaps it's not about the cholent, but about each individual family taking stock of its own needs, and the community taking stock of the needs of its members (so that if there is no cholent, the elderly members are still taken care of!)

Ruchel

Tue, Dec 10 2019, 7:55 am

amother [ Jetblack ] wrote:

Why should he weekly make everyone one while she is alone with the kids?

amother

Mistyrose

Tue, Dec 10 2019, 8:09 am

amother [ Salmon ] wrote:

Because not everyone is you.

If you resent your DH coming home a little late from shul, or eating at kiddush, discuss it with him. You and he should reach some sort of accommodation or compromise. It's selfish of him to do something, week after week, that clearly bothers you so much.

But that doesn't mean that the shul should change a practice that people other than you clearly enjoy.

amother

Mistyrose

Tue, Dec 10 2019, 8:14 am

amother [ Natural ] wrote:

I don't know how to break this to you, but people daven in a Conservative shul. On Shabbat, with the exception of use of a microphone, its not really very different from Orthodox davening. Except that there's more "singing together" and less "saying it at your own pace, to yourself."

I, personally, would find a shul very very cold if the norm were to go, daven and leave. No socializing. No community events or projects or togetherness. To each her own, I guess.

amother

Plum

Tue, Dec 10 2019, 8:19 am

amother [ Mistyrose ] wrote:

If anything - the davening is longer not shorter....

Laiya

Tue, Dec 10 2019, 10:12 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

BTW, I really like how our shul does the Kiddish. We have a huge Kiddush every week and sponsorship is really affordable ($180 or $200 I think) and doesn't anywhere near cover the cost of the Kiddush. The idea is to make it cheap so that it's not a big deal for people to sponsor fairly regularly for minor simchas -- kids' birthdays, anniversary, just because. We often have 2-3 sponsors in any given week. Other shuls make a full kiddush sponsorship $500-1000, and that just makes people only want to sponsor for really special occasions.

I'm confused about this. Are you saying that the cost is covered because several people sponsor it each week? Or do shul funds chip in to cover a shortfall?

amother

Aqua

Tue, Dec 10 2019, 10:41 am

I'm a little late to the party, but I wanted to add my two cents because I have a very strong feeling the OP is writing about my neighborhood and my shul.

Yes, we had a cholent kiddush this past Shabbos, and we try to have one once a month. Yes, it's always sponsored. And yes, the cholent this past week wasn't as good as it usually is.

But when I read this part, I realized that the OP probably doesn't realize something true about my community and likely hundreds of others. I'm also guessing she didn't overhear the conversation my husband was having with several members of the shul board during the kiddush:
This is a fairly well off community that appears to have plenty of machers contributing to big capital projects. Also, membership dues for this shul are upwards of $2000/year.

Our shul does have plans to expand to accommodate the many, many families that are moving in, often on a weekly basis. We do have machers who contribute a lot of money to make that dream come true. And our dues are high. But we also have many families who are sending their children to yeshiva and can't afford to pay their dues. Our shul is desperate for money. And those plans to build have been pushed out while funds are being raised. It's an ongoing struggle.

There's a small fund for kiddushes, but not enough to have hot food every Shabbos, unless several families step forward to sponsor it. When we have a hot kiddush, we get a bigger crowd. But we also get a big crowd for the basic weekly chummus and crackers kiddush.

Because, you see, it's the people that make the shul great. Not the food.

amother

Turquoise

Tue, Dec 10 2019, 11:58 am

not all women want to make kiddush for themselves and wait for their their husbands to come home late. Really I went to a shul for awhile that had a sit down kiddush after shul, my kids wanted to stay, I wasn't so keen on the food. I wanted to go home and eat my healthy food in my own house with my own familly. I felt like by the time we got home it was soooo late.

My dh davens at hashkama, if he wants to stay for the kiddush for a little I'm fine with that because he's finished davening before 10:00 so there's plenty of time.

It could be that this shul has a lot of young families and having an extended kiddush for what ends up being the men doesn't work for their community.