What does it cost to support your young married couple?

shabbatiscoming

Wed, Dec 11 2019, 11:00 am

amother [ Orange ] wrote:

I don't get why people seem surprised here....Many quality guys will only consider a shidduch if there is girl's side commits to supporting a certain amount for an agreed upon length of time. This is news? I think half of the Lakewood boys operate this why. Why the surprise?

Just because something is the way it is does not mean it is not surprising (and shouldnt be that way).

watergirl

Wed, Dec 11 2019, 11:03 am

amother [ Orange ] wrote:

This really could be a spinoff. Its been discussed a million times.

It is all in how you define "quality". I know you aren't saying that HKBH makes anyone who is less than quality. So how are you defining it?

There are quality guys who will marry someone who will work to support the family. I know you are not calling Chayalle's husband less than quality. She works happily to support her husband in kollel and never got support.

There are quality guys who will work as well to earn money and help support his own family.

There are quality guys who want to work.

You are saying its a middah of quality to demand money from inlaws? Or he will not consider that the girl could be the one HKBH destined for him?

Funny. Then we sit back and scratch our heads and wonder why so many people get divorced. We are leaving Him out of the picture for "support" and we think we know better than Him.

Mommyg8

Wed, Dec 11 2019, 11:11 am

amother [ Orange ] wrote:

Everyone I know, everyone in my family and in DH's family started off in kollel, often learning for many years. NOT ONE, NOT ONE couple that I know was supported "in style" in Israel and the only one who was heavily supported here in America married into a very, very wealthy family.

No, this is not the norm. I hope nobody thinks so.

It's the norm for very wealthy girls to be supported in Israel for a few years, but it is VERY DEFINITELY not the norm for all kollel couples. This is VERY DEFINITELY not half of Lakewood, New York, or any other town.

Just thought this had to be said.

banana123

Wed, Dec 11 2019, 11:12 am

amother [ Blue ] wrote:

$3000 a month total sounds right plus the flying and other expense that come from living out of town.

The point is, if you are living in EY supported by your parents then maybe there won't be enough money to fly you back for every YT. That's part of the package. If there is money then there is money, if not then not.

Mommyg8

Wed, Dec 11 2019, 11:15 am

allthingsblue wrote:

3 k sounds right. Plus think about if your daughter will be attending college and if you'll be paying for that.

(It'll be harder for your daughter to find a job in israel, vs in America she could probably find a job to offset costs.)

To answer OP's question - I think the norm is about $3000, probably a little more (for those who are doing this).

Again, this is not the norm in kollel circles and plenty of girls marry kollel guys who are not asking for this level of support.

notshanarishona

Wed, Dec 11 2019, 11:16 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Its too late now.
I am wondering the difference of rent between Machal, Arzei and Ramat Eshkol for a decent apartment.

Those are all really expensive neighborhoods. We moved to Beitar because it was close to 5000 nis a month for a half decent apartment .
As far as how much it costs to support, a lot depends on if the wife has a job, if the husband gets a stipend, how frugally they are willing to live . The going rate for support is anywhere from 1-2 K from what I have seen and it's expected for the couple to bring in some money. Full support would probably be more like 3-4 K.

ShishKabob

Wed, Dec 11 2019, 11:17 am

amother [ Orange ] wrote:

They are not surprised, just upset about it.

notshanarishona

Wed, Dec 11 2019, 11:19 am

As 1 of 7 sisters , all of whom married at least short term learners, none of us went out with someone who demanded full support. With all of us , the plan was for the wife to work part time , the husband to bring in some form of a stipend as many kollels do pay something plus datot , and the parents to help out with the rest. Personally I would think someone who is asking for 3 K is not a serious learner and just wants the easy life. The kollels that pay stipends typically have a bit more demanding of a schedule and tests to hold avreichim accountable.

allthingsblue

Wed, Dec 11 2019, 11:21 am

Mommyg8 wrote:

Correct.
There are many, many wonderful guys who do small side jobs to contribute/are happy living simply and making do on the wife's salary, sacrificing materialism for the kollel lifestyle because they genuinely believe in it. (Obviously only women who are willing to be the breadwinner should look into these shidduchim for themselves.)

naturalmom5

Wed, Dec 11 2019, 11:27 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I know many of my friends that their daughters can’t get a date because they don’t want to follow this trend

Thats because the daughters only want " learning boys " These same parents spent tons of money on schools and seminaries that brainwash these poor girls!. They are indoctrinated into believing that this is the only way they can have Torah. They're deluded into thinking that their entire olam haba depends on getting married to a " learning boy" How sad for these girls and their families.

amother

Lilac

Wed, Dec 11 2019, 11:36 am

I earned around $2400 a month or more working online at an American job (the one I had before moving) plus a small home business. My parents and in laws each also contributed several hundred dollars a month which I greatly appreciated and never asked for. When we flew back for YT, we usually rented out our apartment to offset the tickets.

Most of the people in my neighborhood who didn’t have a job came from very wealthy families who fully supported them. Otherwise, it really is not common anymore for young couples to move to Israel unless they secure a job. Definitely not long term, anyway.

naturalmom5

Wed, Dec 11 2019, 11:51 am

amother [ Blue ] wrote:

Exactly!! I knew as soon as I saw your question that you would be made fun of on
Imamother.
Really not nice
Why is everyone so judgemental just because it’s something that they’re not used to.
If it’s right or wrong, this is how it is in a lot of communities now - and if you want your daughter to get a date there needs to be some sort of commitment on your part.
Unfortunately we will not change the ‘trend’
My sister has 4 married daughters that she helps support. And yes she runs from gemach to gemach. She said what is her alternative, to have 4 older singles sitting around her kitchen table? She bh Bh Rathers it this way.

I understand your question.
Supporting in Israel is more expensive thank supporting in town. Even if you give the same $1500 monthly, there are plane tickets for y’t, you going to visit them, after they have a baby or 2 and they come back from what I hear then it’s very expensive too because they have nothing. No furniture, car, car seats, housewares...

Hatzlocha figuring it all out!
I’m iyh getting into this very soon!

Once again, her daughters were brainwashed into believing that this is the only proper shidduch for them. And the bochurim are brainwashed into believing that this is their Hashem given right. It s rishis on the part of these boys rabbeim. Its chutzpah and gaivah on the part of the boys. And your sister bought into that.

That is why this is a norm. If people stop buying into this it will stop being a norm. Pure and simple. There is absolutely no excuse or justification for this. This is pure extortion and financial exploitation of girls and their families. Its absolute rishis.

Simple1

Wed, Dec 11 2019, 11:57 am

amother [ Blue ] wrote:

Many of us are in the shidduch system but don't agree with all the pressure and trends. I think it's ok for people to speak up and be heard, and not let everything be decided by those towards the top of the social ladder.

mommy3b2c

Wed, Dec 11 2019, 12:01 pm

amother [ Orange ] wrote:

Lol. “Quality guys”. How can you put demand support and quality guy in the same sentence?

First Lady

Wed, Dec 11 2019, 12:17 pm

amother [ Blue ] wrote:

I hope Hashem considers the Torah learning to be of any value more than my judgemental brain can fathom.
To have a Jewish mother running around from gemach to gemach every month so that these young men can sit and learn while she runs around worrying where and how to come up with the money, trying to tell herself that it's ok because otherwise she would have had her girls sitting home?
Um what?!
And in 20 years, these overworked women will be having to the same thing? Why do mothers want this for their daughters?
How has something so beautiful as Torah learning turned into this?

amother

Babyblue

Wed, Dec 11 2019, 12:17 pm

amother [ Azure ] wrote:

Well I'll just mention that DH and I would have LOVED to live in Israel for a year or two after we got married.
My parents promised to give us $1200 a month (don't ask me how they even have that!!), wherever we live, and the rest was up to us to figure out.

So instead, we live in Lakewood, where the rent is relatively cheap, and are putting away every penny of support, and then some, to be able to afford a house one day.

I don't believe that my financial future is my parents responsibility.

As someone who currently supports 3 married children, in Lakewood, I have to put my opinion out there. The support we give is meant to help the children live and meet their current financial needs - NOT to save up. If you are able to put away the support that your parents are giving you, and they are having a hard time getting that money to you - perhaps consider taking the burden of supporting you off their shoulders. I know many women that take on second or even third jobs just to support their children. That is on top of all the emotional and practical help they give their married children every day. I would not in good conscience take money from my parents unless it was absolutely needed to live.
This is coming from someone who is BH able to support by children without any additional stress put upon me.

allthingsblue

Wed, Dec 11 2019, 12:26 pm

mommy3b2c wrote:

Lol. “Quality guys”. How can you put demand support and quality guy in the same sentence?

To me, "quality" means a kind, thoughtful, responsible man with good middos who understands that life is a test and our job is to weather the storm with our emunah and shalom bayis intact.

To some, it means a guy from the alef shiur.