What would u do in this case?

amother

Sun, Dec 22 2019, 9:07 pm

My ds 14 announced today that he wants me to do my chanuka party on a day he won't be able to join. special when he is not there. Now this child is a complainer and never happy with his chanuka gifts so he complained that he doesnt like his gifts usually so he rather not join @ all . I felt it was chutzpah, I dont feel bad @ all since his behavior isnt the best @ home lately, if things go not the way he likes it to be he drives me and dh crazy. He is upset, he asked for something very expensive and my dh said he's not ready to get it for him yet but we can start think about it but it will take some time... ds is very angry about it and is acting out for this reason . He's become very chutzpa to me he talks very disrespectful to me . Do I need to show him that I will only do the party when he can join or because his behavior is bad and he is trying constantly to put me down and make me feel bad that he not interested to join should I show him its his choice if he wants to join and make it while he wont be able to join ? Hes having one day this week a class chanuka party and he asked me to do it then when he cant join. I know, he wants to make me feel bad for some reason, I decided yes I will do it as he said when he cant join. If he gets upset inside of him he will learn not to talk the way he did , though I know my ds he will never admit to me it bothers him because he is this type of kid that has to win his way . My opinion is to make it anyways without him, of course I would love him to join but he behaved like a real wise guy and I dont have to show him that im the weak one and I need to beg him for something he doesnt wanna show interest in . Im just here to hear your input in this . Thanks!

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amother

Wheat

Sun, Dec 22 2019, 9:29 pm

I would consult with a Chinuch expert on what I can do to start repairing our relationship.

This isn't about a Chanukah party, or chutzpah, or complaining. It's about a child who is not responding to your standard parenting method and needs a different approach. The sooner you begin that approach, the better.

(I have an 11-year old that we are struggling with, also not a bad kid, but totally needs a different type of relationship than the methods I use successfully with the rest of my children.)

amother

Blush

Sun, Dec 22 2019, 10:07 pm

It's the age/stage. Try not to get into that power struggle tit for tat. Try to read between the lines- what is this child trying to tell me?
Make the chanuka party for when he's available. Make him feel included and wanted. Serve his favorite foods and tell him you'll be so happy if he can come even for a few minutes. Get his opinion on how to decorate, or fun games, etc. He may even be willing to help set up or organize. Let him feel needed and important.
And if you are buying gifts, I'm sure there is more than that one thing he mentioned that he would like. Try to rise above his attitude by supplying him with what he's really looking for- love and attention. The more love and attention you give him, the faster his defiant attitude will disappear.

groisamomma

Mon, Dec 23 2019, 12:33 am

Amother blush, why oh why do people think "age and stage" is an excuse to hurt parents?! We have feelings, too! Of course love him, that's a given, but his mother worked hard to make Chanuka fun for the family and he's throwing it back in her face because he can't get what he wants.

"Read between the lines-what is this child trying to tell me?" That he wants the gift they said no to. Nothing else between these lines here. Loving a kid does not mean being a doormat. Sorry, I think this child needs to be called out on his behavior and OP should go ahead and call his bluff. "Make him feel needed and important"? He already sounds full of himself. Mr. My-Way-or-the-Highway needs chinuch now.

Definitely call a chinuch expert for the future but I don't see how deliberately thrusting a knife in a mother's heart (at an age when he should know better!) should be rewarded with his "favorite foods" and "ask him for ideas for fun games."

There's chinuch and love, and there's teaching your child that the best way to get love and attention is by being chutzpa'dik. Love and attention should not come at everyone else's expense because if he does come he will no doubt sulk and ruin the atmosphere for the other children.

dankbar

Mon, Dec 23 2019, 12:51 am

I think you should make it whenever it works for you & tell him that you wold love for him to come.
Don't bring the emotions in...dont beg him...dont davka do when he is not around.
Just matter of factly tell him when the party is, and you would love to have him join. Then it is his choice if he does or doesn't join, don't show rage....just act & "feel" neutral.

amother

Blush

Mon, Dec 23 2019, 9:30 am

groisamomma wrote:

I have a 13 yr old I can so see acting like this. Age/stage is not an excuse, it's reality. They are a little wacky, doing their best with their teen hormones.
Show him love and support as much as possible and he settles down to the pleasant child I know he is.

lifesagift

Mon, Dec 23 2019, 9:46 am

Oy that's tough... it's a stage that'll pass iyH but right now you need to be cool as a cuke just not a doormat, that'll only make him more obnoxious with you and eventually with others. Like others mentioned, you just keep saying as calmly as possible that this is what your doing and you hope he can join you. I'd even mention that he'd better behave, in a verrry cheerful way, because as others mentioned, he knows better. He's trying to get you, you gotta keep strong. You can remind him that you love him but there's no kindness in letting him get off with bad behavior. Speak softly and carry a big stick

thunderstorm

Mon, Dec 23 2019, 10:05 am

I would be as unemotional about it as possible and just state facts. “I am making our family party on this and this day at this and this time. Totty and I and the kids would really love for you to join and be part of this special moment. You can decided whether you want to join us or not , and we will respect whatever decision you make.”

And leave it at that. If he doesn’t join it’s his loss and you still showed that you are still the authority here and he’s not going to “rule” you around.

Let’s hope that this is a passing teenage stage and that he’ll grow out of it. But perhaps after Chanuka you should find a mentor in Chinuch that can assist you in guiding you. Shlomo Ehrlich in Monsey deals with teens and teenage issues a lot. He may be someone you can reach out to.

amother

Cyan

Mon, Dec 23 2019, 11:32 am

Make the party whenever you planned on making it. Say to him we are keeping the party on it’s original day. DS think about it a little bit more and decide if you’d like to join. Either way the party will go on.
Tell him that for the gift, the timing is wrong and you agreed to think about it and revisit it in a few months(or whatever amount of time). If he will act sulky and ungrateful about it, he won’t get it at all and in a few months the answer will be no.

amother

Aubergine

Mon, Dec 23 2019, 5:19 pm

thunderstorm wrote:

Great approach.