12 yr old DD hit me

Chayalle

Tue, Dec 24 2019, 12:34 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Until recently, DD has been such a sweet, cooperative, helpful girl. She struggles with a bit of anxiety, for which we take her to therapy and overall she's fine. But for the past few weeks she's been going through what seems to me a pre-teen phase where she is less cooperative and a little belligerent. I brought it up in therapy, but there doesn't seem to be any reason for this other than like I said - pre-teen stuff...

Well, over Chanukah, I have been appalled by her "spoiled" behavior. Aside from her lack of cooperation, when I would usually expect her to help much more, she has had such a disturbing attitude toward gifts. We let each of our children choose their main gift (we get small gifts for the other nights), and she has been whining for weeks that it's not fair that we only let her choose something for $30 - she can't get anything good for that amount, etc. and asking for all sorts of things that she claims her friends have (maybe one or two friends have, definitely not all) but that we won't let (like dvd players, etc.). Her attitude towards others' gifts has also been horrible. ("I can't believe Grandma bought me books; she should have bought me..." "Why did that guest get me arts and crafts, so babyish", etc.)

In the meantime, I've been overhearing her conversations with her friends where everyone is comparing their Chanukah gifts, so I understand she's having some anxiety about it. Last night, everyone was up late after our Chanukah party and when it was over and my husband was putting the younger girls to bed, she took the opportunity to badger me again about her Chanukah gift that she hadn't yet chosen. For the millionth time, I told her we are not buying her a DVD player or smartwatch, and that if she wants something more expensive than $30, she can contribute her own money. I also mentioned that since this seems to be becoming stressful and defeating the purpose of Chanukah gifts, maybe we should skip her gift this year. I also told her it's time to go to sleep (bedtime at 9:15 and it was 9:45) and she started crying that it's not fair that her younger sisters got to stay up later than their bedtime; why doesn't she get to stay up much later like them? And I'm so unfair to her - not "letting" her get a Chanukah present and making her go to bed. In her fit, she slapped me on my arm and stalked up muttering about how I'm the worst mother in the world and she wishes I wasn't her mother.

I was pretty stunned by her behavior. And not sure how to respond. We give her a lot of privileges and I'm tempted to take some of them away until I see an improvement in her behavior (though I'm not sure if that's even enough of a consequence for hitting a mother). On the other hand, I'm wondering if this reaction came from a place of her anxiety, and can see consequences just making her feel worse and escalating the situation. Also she has never reacted physically like that before. But this behavior is unacceptable.

Any advice?

I haven't read all the responses in this thread, but am responding as a mother of a girl in the same age range (she will soon be Bat Mitzvah B"EH).

OP, I think your daughter's whole attitude may be stemming from anxiety and peer -pressure. This is not about needing a DVD player, or a smartwatch....it's that she wants to be able to tell her friends what she got, and has a need to feel important or cool about that. For whatever reason, she feels like without "stuff" she won't fit in, or will be looked down upon if her gift is not cool enough, or if she doesn't come with the "right" accessories.

I don't think you should up the price of her gift, but what she does need is for you to express sympathy, like a broken record player, over and over, that you get her feelings and feel for her but this is what you are getting her, but yes darling, I hear you that you feel bad about it. Explain, if you can, that you get the peer pressure she is facing and how tough it is to see the kids who seem so cool with the stuff they got. If you can get there in the conversation, you can explain that all that glitz is not necessarily making anyone's world. But you need to first give her validation for the pressure she feels.

My sister is a social worker, and she told me once that some kids who are more self-centered, or sometimes it's just the age/stage they are at, have a hard time seeing outside of their own little world. The only way they will see past their own needs is if they get the feeling that you understand their struggles. IOW, they can't understand you or anyone else until they feel that that have been understood.

Your DD is feeling anxiety, and she needs that feeling to be validated. I would work at expressing tons of love, caring, etc...make her feel like you want that loving relationship with her, even though she's acting a bit spoiled and entitled. What she really needs is to feel that you get her.

Of course, you need to also make it clear to her that slapping her mother was totally and completely unacceptable.

amother

Sapphire

Tue, Dec 24 2019, 1:02 pm

OP, some children, especially high strung ones and anxiety ridden ones cost more money. A lot more money.
They need more stuff. One of my children got a lot of stuff. He wanted and wanted. I threw out all the voices of "spoiling him", "it is not good for him to have everything he wants","he needs consequences for his violent temper."
Often there is an a therapeutic effect to something a child craves and keeps asking for.
He is now entering his teens and he is less spoiled than my "regular" nephews, more considerate, is not hungry for things, fun and entertainment. he is SATED. I
ntuition, intuition, intuition is the call of the day.
Yours is not the regular child who has the pleasure of self-regulation born to most children. Try to get into her skin and feel how life is hard for her.
If I were you, I would get her the smartwatch and whatever else she wants..........
And as for chayov misa, she is not liable for her averios till 21. Read meforshim on the parsha of sara ameinus petira.

amother

Lemon

Tue, Dec 24 2019, 1:51 pm

amother [ Mistyrose ] wrote:

Expressing love to your child should never be conflated with approval for her actions.

A comment so true it needed to be repeated.

OP, you need to take a calm time and talk to your DD about what happened. You understand that she's frustrated. You understand that she's starting to grow up. But hitting is never the answer.

Let her know that if she expresses her opinions calmly, you will consider them. For example, the younger kids got to stay up later not as a treat, but because it was necessary for them to get Hanukkah done. And yes, there is something to be said for giving her the same leeway, but it wasn't necessary, and its a school night. But, if she wants, she can stay up 1/2 an hour later one non-school night of Chanukah, instead of a small present. You're making clear that you HEAR her, even if you don't agree with her.

Then, next year, you need to reevaluate your gifting policy. There's a difference between equal and fair. Equal is spending the same on each child. But that may not be fair. After all, you wouldn't demand that your 17 year old's shoes cost the same as your 2 year old's; that would get one an amazing pair, and the other a piece of junk. Fair is getting each the same type of gift. Also, and older child might not appreciate the smaller gift every night, and would prefer the money to be pooled into a larger gift.